Can your give me some suggestions on the mental health of a retired Husband??

Question

My Husband and I have been retired about 18 months. He barely talks. He almost never gets up before 10 or 11 or 12. He stays up until about 3 on the computer every night.

I considered that he is watching porn. But honestly I don't think that's it. He has been doing research for a motor home for about 6 years now and since retiring its mostly on the internet.

He barely speaks to anyone and if I ask for any help to do anything that might need two people, he just never even responds. It's as if I never spoke. I just don't get it. He has never been social. Although he is great on the phone, that's how we met and his work was most always on the phone.

Our children are grown and he forced me into being interested in traveling by motor home. Now that we are almost there he refuses to do anything to contribute to getting the house on the market. HELP HELP HELP. I desperately need some input. Thank you one and all..

Believe it or not many retirees live and motor home for as long as health will allow. It let's you see the country without worrying about the house.

I have thought of depression and withdrawal from work. And the fact that his Mother and two other sisters died of side effects of alzheimers, I have seriously considered that also.

Thank you all for your polite answers and helping me to think about other ideas. Sometimes we are too close to the subject.

Most of the reason he closed his office was to help me . I still have a seasonal job. and have developed Rheumatoid arthritis.

Although he still works a little out of home when he has clients.

Most of the reason he closed his office was to help me . I still have a seasonal job. and have developed Rheumatoid arthritis.

Although he still works a little out of home when he has clients.

Thanks so much for almost all excellent information.

This morning after sleeping on the subject I have the beginning of a plan.

Thank you all again.

Answer 1

There's a lot of information missing here.

My own experience has taught me that when I relied on others for my personal happiness, I became frustrated and angry because someone else's mood was dictating my own. When I detached a bit, I found I was more content and happier.

My suggestion is that you seek some personal counseling for yourself.

It doesn't appear that your husband thinks there's a problem and if he does, it sounds like he doesn't want to talk about it.

You can ask him if he'd like to talk about a time table for getting things done; (in 6 years he could have built his own motor home) or plans for selling the house. If he doesn't have one, then you should suggest to him what you're going to do in the meantime...Then do it.

There's also a book called New Passages by Gail Sheedy that's definitely worth reading.

Answer 2

When a person retires there is an adjustment period. Some people cant wait to retire, others feel a sense of loss when it happens. Men and Women can both suffer depression when they retire...maybe that is what your husband is suffering from. Maybe he no longer feels a worthwhile person.

I knew this woman I worked with, she had been working for this company all her life....she was 65 when the company had to force her to retire. It was a very sad day. She was a healthy woman, not a sick day in her life....she had never been married and working was her life. Two weeks after she retired, she died. She didnt kill herself, they said it was a heart attack. I believe she died of a broken heart...she no longer felt useful.

Its going to be hard though for you if he has shut you out to get him to talk about the way he is feeling.

He forced you to be interested in travelling by motor home, and now you are wanting help to put the house on the market. Does that mean you are now genuinely interested in travelling with him? I think its a fantastic idea. Now your kids are grown and off your hands you can spend the rest of your lives getting to know each other again, and travelling around together while you are still healthy enough to do it, is something a lot of people dream about doing but never do.

If your husband is suffering depression and he wont admit it, or talk to you about it, then you need to understand when a person is depressed for whatever reason actually doing something positive is very hard for them to do, and in the majority of times they dont think they have a problem, so they wont ask for help. And with him being a man of his age, he is going to have a lot of pride, and probably would not admit to you that he is feeling "redundant" as a person.

Maybe the best thing you can do is just go ahead yourself, put the house on the market, show him that there is life after retirement and you are getting on and DOING what needs to be done to get your lives back together. Once he sees you actually doing something he may become interested and excited again about making plans. If you really do not want to go travelling, nor sell the house then you have to find something else that will interest the both of you. He needs to be getting out and feeling useful again. If he wont admit there is a problem, then maybe you could go to a counsellor yourself who may be able to give you some ideas. If he knows you are going to see a counsellor then he is going to realise there is a problem, so just by making an appointment might snap him out of the way he is feeling.

The problem is his, dont let anyone tell you anything differently. You must be a wonderful wife to actually go through with something that was a dream of his. You obviously want what he wants. Go talk to someone, if he wont admit there is a problem, then you need support yourself.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Most men's self esteem and self worth revolves around their work. Retiring is a huge life change...and yes, I would agree it does sound like he is depressed. Help him get involved in something he enjoys, or encourage him to get a part time job to keep himself busy. You could also suggest he see a doctor by expressing your concern, but that often doesn't go over well the first try, especially with men!

Maybe he has decided he doesn't really want the motor home since he is not helping with the sale of the house?? It sounds like he's in a very confusing time. Try to be the loving supportive wife you always have been and things should turn around.

Good luck to you!

Answer 4

Your husband sounds like he would need some purpose in his life. Often, when men retire they find that there are too many hours in the day and not enough purposeful activities to fill them. My father went through this when he retired from the Air Force in the 1970's. He was having problems coping with hours of sitting at home and watching television. He then made a second career of working as a prison counselor for maximum security inmates. Although this was a dangerous career, the purpose in his life now gave him the ability to view each day as a new adventure. He retired from the prison system at the turn of the millenium and now finally has retired. He now actually still wants to work, even though he is 76. Hopefully he will be able to get some part time work to fill his hours and give his life purpose.

Although western customs are changing, still men often feel that they are the main "breadwinners" in the family. When older men retire, often they feel that they are not fulfilling their purpose. My life-mate is 55 now and swears he will never retire. I probably will never retire, either. We will probably both work at least part-time well into our 80's. We are both vigorous and hard working people. We can't often sit still, even though we are "middle aged".

Maybe your hubby could get a part time job or even volunteer with the boy's club or coach Little League. Maybe he could help tutor some students or help some young people who need a good, solid man to give them advice and assistance.

My prayers and positive thoughts are with you both, dear.

Answer 5

Similar situation to my parents. My mom is going through some of the same things with my dad. My opinion is that he misses working and some of the social aspects of being in the workforce, maybe he could get a part time job and see if that helps.

Answer 6

It does sound like it could be depression, but I would have him see his DR. to rule anything out. Retirement does make drastic changes, which are very hard for some people. I would do that before I put house up for sale. Best of luck to both of you.

Answer 7

It seems to me that your husband is depressed and misses working. He thinks he has nothing else to do with his life, which just adds to the depression. Just sit down with him and tell him straight up that he is worrying you and make him get out and start interacting with other people before he gets to the point where he has a serious illness like alzheimers (pardon my spelling) or something worse. Best wishes to you both.

Answer 8

Neither one of you should have quit working altogether. Why don't both of you take part time jobs to stay busy or better yet go to school and learn something new. Either way you minds will be the netter for it.

Answer 9

You are going to agree to sell your home and live in a moble home?

You are just as crazy as your husband.

Put a stop to the madness and learn how to say "NO!"

The only reason why your husband is ignoring you is that you let yourself NOT count.

You need to realize that you may be facing a divorce or spousal abuse. Seek help from your local women's abuse support group.

Answer 10

Sounds to me like he has retired completely from life. He needs more social interaction and some more kinds of activities to keep him busy instead of sleeping and surfing.'