How do you grieve the loss of someone who sits across the table from you and sleeps beside you every night?

Question

I love my husband, but because of his illness and depression, our relationship is platonic. Not my idea, he's just overwhelmed. The doctors say there is no physical limitation. He's seen two counselors who think he's making progress. Once every year or so, doesn't seem like progress to me.

I won't be unfaithful, but I am lonely. And I honestly don't know what to do about that.

How do you decrease or redirect that drive?

I really hate feeling like this, and I have no idea what to do.

The marriage I hoped for is no longer a possibility. How do I grieve it and move on with my husband without dying inside?

How can you make yourself honestly okay with something you would never choose?

I find myself just shutting down, and I don't want to do that. But when I'm open and vulnerable I end up angry with him and I cry a lot. I know that just makes him feel guilty on top of his depression, and I hate that.

What makes the loneliness go away?

This has been going on for 6 years. I've tried to take the lead, I am supportive of him and his therapy - both nutritional for his diabetes and emotionally I'm there for him. I just don't seem to be able to compete with his fear.

Dear Howlingcyote,

I'm sorry you are ill and sex is no longer a part of your marriage. Kudos to your husband for honoring his vows. I'm sorry if this question was hard for you. But I didn't ask it to make you feel guilty. I'm not being whiney. I'm being honest.

Sex is not just sensation. And it's not a perk of marriage. It's a big deal. One I waited until marriage to be eligible for. Now that I am in the right relationship where that should be able to happen, it isn't. You say, anyone can have sex. The point is that we can't. And not because of any physical reason.

I have not abandoned my husband or pouted and blamed him. He isn't withdrawing from me because I'm such a shrew that he can't stand me, but thanks for your judgement. I know this is hard for him, too. I hide my frustration, such that he accepts that it's okay. Maybe even to the point that he doesn't feel compelled to work through what he needs to in order to be part of our marriage on that level.

I'm young. I may never have children. I have no suitable outlet for my sexuality. I haven't for 6 years. He doesn't really want to kiss or cuddle. He's shut down that way. It's not just sex. It's intimacy. I don't think you read the question before you answered.

I've been to his doctor's appointments (except his counseling sessions, just because I thought it might be easier for him to talk about it without me there). I insisted he get a check-up because I knew something wasn't right. I figured out his eating plan as soon as we got the diagnosis. The dietician said it was better than the one they used, but I went through the training with him. We've done so well with diet and exercise that he's come off his medications and is keeping the diabetes under control.

I am very supportive of him and his heath. So much so, that I am getting lost in it. I'm sorry you think that me wanting to have a sex life makes me selfish or petty or whatever. I'm glad it's not a big deal to you. I was looking forward to sharing romance and intimacy with the man I love and keeping that aspect of our marriage alive. Not going to happen. Not because he physically can't, but because he's afraid. I get that. I hate that for him. I know it hurts him and affects him too. I love him. We have a good relationship in other ways. I respect and admire so many things about him.

I know so many women would envy me. Don't most men complain that their wives never want to? I wish I was like that. I wish it didn't bother me.

I get that for better or worse means that you don't always get what you want. When I say I want to grieve it, I'm not asking permission to have myself a nice pity party. I want to accept it and move on. I just don't know how to honestly do that. So how to I lop off that part of myself so that he can be okay? How do I redirect that so that it's positive and not just frustrating? That's my question.

Answer 1

How do you "grieve" the loss of a person who is still living? It sounds like you are slowly killing yourself, that you have been killing yourself over the past six years. It must hurt... not feeling loved, nor cherished for so long.

I don't want to make you feel bad, but how can you redirect the need to feel loved? How can you decrease the need to be touched? Many women go through periods of "neglect" from their husbands (it may go both ways) where they are taken for granted and thedir physical need for hugs and cuddling are basically ignored. But rarely does it last for six years.

Even if you had children, a dog, or a hobby... the loneliness will persist. It may lessen the pain, but the loneliness will be an undercurrent that will become a part of your day to day activities. So, if you can deal with that, and only want to take the edge off the pain, then take up a hobby you can develop a passion about, and get a pet.

Answer 2

Hi, first of all i want to say thank you for answering my question. When i read the answer that you posted to me i felt very sorry for the things that happen between you and your husband. I'm only 22 and never married before. But i always remember this: The perfect love is unconditional love. I think you have shown how big your love for your husband and i admire your strength and commitment. You just have to be patient, things will be okay if you keep your faith on it.

Sex is not a main thing in marriage. Try to change your loneliness by focusing your attention more to your husband. I always think that when you give your love, even though it hurts you so bad but there's a healing feeling inside of you. Maybe you're crying now bec' you feel hopeless and distress. But giving love for others won't make you feel lonely. But if you do, you can do things that you like such as reading, watching movies, or call you friends or go shopping, or just sleep. Just pray. I like this quotation: Where there's Faith, there's Love. Where there's Love, there's God. Head up and smile, cause smiling make us beautiful :)

Answer 3

You are not supportive of him that I can see.... so he can't or doesn't wish to have sex.... is that what your marriage is based on, then you may as well end it now... Did you ever think that he knows exactly how you feel and that really doesn't help him. Is he on medication???? That also can affect libido...
Why do you feel like you have to grieve for sex? That is nothing more than a physical sensation... you sleep with him, why don't you hold onto him. Stop being so selfish and show your man that you love him. Sex shows nothing, everybody can do it and does and most times it has nothing whatsoever to do with love.
Go to a support group with him, become a part of his life.
You are being extremely selfish and childish, maybe some counseling for yourself wouldn't hurt. The marriage you hoped for is not possible, of course not, change happens, stuff happens, but love goes on if it is there.
Get some professional counseling and IF you love your husband, let him know, cuddle, watch movies together, go to flea markets , something... what does he like to do? Be a wife and stand by your man or get out now before you screw him up but good.

I just noticed he is diabetic!!!! HAVE you not studied your mans disease, most diabetics, men specifically are unable to have sex.
I am truly sorry, but you are not doing all you can for this man... please if you love him then do the research and learn all you can... there is so much more to love and loving than sex....
I am sorry if I sounded harsh , but you came off sort whiny and that really got to me. So please accept my apology if you are offended in any way....

Answer 4

Several years ago my husband suffered a nervous breakdown, it was a very traumatic time and altered our relationship completely (although it had always been difficult), when he came out of hospital I felt forced to take him back because I was his wife and we had two children, though we never had intercourse again.
We shared the same bed for five years, ate at the same table, went on holidays etc- but our marriage was a sham. I neither loved nor hated him, he was just someone living in my house!
Eventually, I came to the realisation that I couldn't live my life this way, and that we both deserved the chance to be happy- so we separated.
Six years later we are both happy, he has someone else in his life, we still speak on the phone and he sees the children regularly.
I have had some new relationships but no one permanent, and remain lonely... but I know I did the right thing.
Maybe it made a difference that we no longer loved each other, but you have to make a decision for your own future happiness.
Speak to your friends, get things to enjoy doing outside the home, find satisfaction in other ways (not always sexual!), and most of all, be honest with yourself and your partner.
I hope all turns out well for you as it did for me, but it won't be easy.
Take care and God bless.

Answer 5

I am sorry to here that you feel this way, but my boyfriend also has diabetes 1 and is going through similar things. The best thing you can do is be supportive , try to cheer him up the most as possible. And try to do things together that will keep his mind off his illness. It is a very hard thing to go through, but they cant do it alone.
My boyfriend is waiting for a kidney and also goes through big mood swings. Sometimes I get depressed too, but I remember that I love him and he needs my support.
Maybe it would be a good idea for both of you to go to counseling, it might help.

Answer 6

I get residence round 10 and consume/bathe after which I'm most commonly in mattress via eleven, and I get up at 6:50. It turns out like plenty of sleep, besides just a couple hours are truthfully great sleep... I get up most commonly five+ instances each night time for no truly rationale. I suck at drowsing. I'd wager that I get might be three/four genuine hours of sleep.

Answer 7

Lady be very thank-ful that your husband is still alive, and that you can still see him every day. You will feel that much worse after he is gone. Make the most of the relationship while he is still here with you in THESE LIVING YEARS.

Answer 8

The only thing I can say Bless YOUR HEART it must be really hard for you but just pray and I will pray for both of you...

Answer 9

wow i am sorry for your situation
just try to love on him alot
make him stuff, make him cards, etc

he needs meds, have you tried any anti-depressants?

Answer 10

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