...it doesn't mean they were given with any less love?
My finance's eight year old girl is with us, she just got her Christmas presents. We spent quite a bit on her but not as much as her mum who has far more money than us.
She's really unimpressed with what we got her. She looked at it all and wandered off to play with the ipod her mother gave her. She seems to think we put no effort in to it all and that the stuff we got her is crap.
How do we explain to her that even though these things cost less, they were still given with as much love?
2007-12-27 19:26:19 · 30 answers · asked by . 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I am somewhat bummed that she's so uninterested in what we got her. She is somewhat spoiled, but I honestly feel like that's her mother's fault not hers.
Her mother turns birthdays and Christmas into competitions to see who can get the most expensive gift. I'm stuck on how to explain the situation without bad mouthing her mother.
2007-12-27 19:53:21 · update #1
Explain to the child that love is not about how much someone spends on another. Love is about caring and thought and intentions of good, you can not put a price on that. Go ahead and explain the thoughts that go with the gifts. Example, if you got a beautiful outfit for her, tell her when you saw it, you thought of how wonderful she would look in it.
If I were the father, I would have a talk with the mother. You are right, the mother is making birthdays and christmas a competition and also buying her daughters love, for now. When this child gets to be a teen, she will demand more and more from her mother and have no respect for her mother as well. Stick to your ways! You and her father may not be the popular choice right now, but in her teen years, you both will have a better discipinary control on her, as you have not tried to buy her off. Her mother is making a HUGE mistake in doing this.
Assure the child that she is loved all the time and unconditionally, but stay firm and in control.
Kids can really put a hurting on the heart of parents sometimes, especially in circumstances such as these.
2007-12-28 06:08:00 · answer #1 · answered by Gardener for God(dmd) 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Tash, you have a really tough situation here and I feel for you. I'm not sure you can really do anything more than tell her, at some point, that your gifts were chosen with love. The problem here is her immaturity and selfish focus in her life. I'm not sure how long her Dad has been divorced, but that causes kids all kinds of issues/emotional upheaval. Besides the pain of divorce, many kids learn to "work" the "guilt-feelings" of the adults around them for their own selfish gain.
Over time, sometimes much time, she will see the truth of this for herself. She may be an adult before she ever admits the truth to herself and you.
Tash, this child also seems to have more presents than is good for her if she ignores/is unimpressed with so many of them. Can you say "spoiled" here? If there is some way you can get her involved helping someone else who has less than she does - like the homeless....she will begin to see her own benefits. Age 8, is awful young and she just needs time to grow up. You may not be able to even see her real thoughts about her gifts as she may have some conflicts going on with your role as a step-mom to be! If she bluntly states that they are crap, I would consider taking them away, boxing them up for a while and re-gifting them to her, down the road, after she gets over her bad attitude!!! I wish you all the best and hope you will be able to blend yourselves together into a loving family unit!
2007-12-27 19:40:27 · answer #2 · answered by LeslieAnn 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Aww.
It's nice that you put so much thought into it.
I honestly don't know what to tell you. But I know how it feels -- just from the other end of it. Growing up, my parents gave me whatever I wanted. Mommy's shopping trips yielded tons of great gifts, and I almost always got what I wanted.
But you know what?
My parents didn't give a damn about being "loving" or "caring." In fact, my dad doesn't even know what he supposedly gets me until I open them Christmas morning, both of my parents glancing at their watches all the while, waiting impatiently for me to finish, so they could get on with their lives.
The gifts, I loved. Always exactly what I asked for. But that's just the thing -- they got me exactly what I asked for, or what they knew I wanted. They didn't ever go out and try to find the perfect gift, something that would really have meaning.
Don't get me wrong, gifts are great. But just once, when I say "thank you," I'd like them to actually hear it, rather than having already left the room, after running out of patience.
Some kids really don't know the value of the gifts.
Just make sure she knows you love her. Don't make it a competition about who loves who more, or who has the most money. It seems like she's got what I always wanted; she wants what I always got. It's odd, how things always work out, like that.
Anyhow, hope you had happy holidays : ]
2007-12-28 12:09:30 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
you sometimes can't win even if you do spend more money, I have a 13yr old stepdaughter that lives with us. (her mother threw her out of her house when she was 8 yr old cos of an argument with the mothers new boyfriend)
anyway we put a lot of thought into what to get her for Christmas, spend quite a bit of money too......Her mother seems to put very little thought in, will grab some dirt cheap make up set and get a pair of cheap boots from a discount shoe shop.......... but she seems to treasure these gifts......she does like what we get her but makes such a song and dance about what her mother got her.......
um mind that changed this yr,, her mother promised her some nice jewelery that she had her heart set on, and because her mother said she'd get that we got her other things.......Anyway Christmas day her mother sent her gifts over and there was the usual cheap eye shadows (in gory colours she'll not use) some spiral hair curlers and hair crimpers, which she already has and her mother must know that cos she often takes them with her when sleeping over....There was none of the jewelery as promised...(it was not expensive stuff she'd been promised)......... she had a look of disappointment on her face as she'd been looking forward to getting what was promised........
2007-12-28 01:32:55 · answer #4 · answered by Fluffy Cheryl♥ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hey - do not beat your self up for trying DO NOT!!!- you are dealing with a child that you dont know-REALLY KNOW - dont worry about it - You bought what you felt she would like and now she needs to know what to do with it--
could it be that she was always given things and then no one took the time to 'appreciate' what she was given?
She does need a lesson in appreciation though, and You and her father need to make her understand that YOU WILL NOT compete against her mother - you do not have to prove a thing..
(.my sister is kind of dealing with the same thing - except it is her "husband and fiance" the kids dont know if they are coming or going -- (ages 13, 8 and 5) and talk about jealousy!! )
HONESTLY- I think she is taking directive from her MOTHER to maybe not appreciate what you have given-- I encourage you to take the lead and ask her to play...even for 30 min.
I truly believe that Deep down she is probably confused and needs time! -
Idea is next year @ christmas take her to the mall and show her all the names of children that are on a tree and tell her- remember those gifts that you didnt like last year- every one of this kids would be happy to have ONE thing for christmas..
and bring it up- say would you like to take something off your list and give it to a little girl? You will really make them happy -
Of course buy her that gift anyway- but it is just the idea...
IT WORKS!!!
2007-12-27 19:51:35 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes it takes something unique to make a child "see". I would highly suggest you have her read a book called the Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster and Jules Feiffer. It is about pretty much the scene you just described in your house. A child that gets too much and doesn't appreciate the smaller things in life and tokens of true love and sharing. My grade school teacher read it to us in 5th grade and it really made an impact on the class. Do not give in on the big ticket items because down the road she will see her mother was only buying her. Love will win out, I promise!
2007-12-27 23:20:17 · answer #6 · answered by Elphaba 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that if you could, you can get her something far better than you got her now. Don't be scared to explain to her that her mom has things better financially..she might understand! I know I did when my parents told me.
Explain to her that she needs to be thankful for whatever she gets despite how much it costs because others who don't have the opportunity to have what she has wish to be in a position like hers.
I used to be in somewhat the same position as her, she will get used to the fact that you guys might not be able to provide her with all of the things she wants, but the necessities and love from her family is all that matters.
2007-12-27 19:34:00 · answer #7 · answered by Riley 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
These are a life lesson for her to learn.... not showing gratitude for a gift, whatever the cost, indicates poor social skills. She will have fewer friends because of it. The fault lies with her parents for the girl has learnt that the value of something equates to price of the article retail... she needs to learn that the value of any gift is the consideration and love that passes with it... considered this way... a $500 ipod can be a very cheap present.
Sorry Tash.. I don't think it is a lesson for you to teach her... and seems she is destined to learn it the hard way... she is destined to be "Nancy no friends" until she works it out for herself.
EDIT: My neighbour split with her husband during the year. Every Sunday he arrives with "gifts" for the kids. It seems very common to try to over compensate for absense in this way. The little kids across the street are funny. They bought a little puppie named Banjo a month ago ... They (3 kids) have all taken turns sleeping with mummy... "Banjo can be the dad tonight".. I heard the 3 year old say... lol!
2007-12-27 20:24:20 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
She's eight, so she's not likely to understand it. The best angle I can think of is if you let her know that her father did the best he could and she really hurt his feelings by acting the way she did. Kids can be remarkably selfish if you let them. If that doesn't work, you'll probably just have to wait it out and hope it's just a phase.
The only other option if she just doesn't get it is to take the gifts away. It's harsh and will lead to much drama, but eventually she might learn to appreciate what she gets.
2007-12-27 19:33:23 · answer #9 · answered by rohak1212 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Hello,
You saved the receipts right?
Take them back to the store, if this spoiled brat is going to act like one, then she doesn't deserve anything!
Some kids do not get anything!
If it were not for the guy I have my kids would not have gotten anything, I could not afford it this year! I sure hope you two can teach this girl something other then money is everything. Eight years old hu? Good luck.
2007-12-27 19:34:41 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋