I have a feeling my boyfriend may propose soon...how do I let him down gently?

Question

It's not that I dont want to marry him...but I want our situation to be different...for him to find some sort of financial stability and be out of debt...for us to live in the same town would be nice...for me to graduate college first. How do you handle this situation?

Answer 1

Why not a long engagement instead? Just because you're engaged doesn't mean you have to rush into marrying or planning right away. If you know you love him and do want to marry him, then consider being engaged for two years before getting married.

Good job on being smart enough to want stability and a good job but don't give up on love just because nothing is ideal. Even the least ideal of situations can be exciting and worthwhile. Enjoy it!

Answer 2

Get to work before he proposes. Slip him hints, or flat out tell him that you're not ready for marriage yet. This will let him avoid the embarassment of being turned down. If he doesn't get the hint and proposes anyway, start with the college angle first and mention that you want to get a start on both of your debts before planning a wedding. Its probably best not to mention the financial stability so he doesn't think you're calling him a deadbeat.

Once you get married, you'll probably be living in the same town, so that one shouldn't really be an issue.

Answer 3

Have you had a discussion with him about the future? I would try that first. If he has openly said you are the one for him, then it opens a great way to plan the future out. Tell him what things are important to you to take care of. If you really think he's the one, you can try having an extended engagement or wear the ring as a promise ring. Tell him what your concerns are and he might get the clue that its not going to be next year. Be as open and honest as you can with him. If you have this conversation before he proposes, it would help with the letting him down gently part and not kicking his self esteem in the gut. Good luck, and use your communication - its essential for any long term happy relationship.

Answer 4

you should have a long long long talk with him about your financial insecurities and about your college gradaution thing first.. tell him and assure him that you do wanna marrry him but you also have to make it clear that you need your financial stability and what not.. Talk it out gently so he will not get hurt and hopefully you'll come to an understanding and he'll strive for the better. Tell him you don't wanna spend your married life eating cucumbers everyday because you are in debt and all that so yea.. Good luck! [:

Answer 5

You have to cut this off at the pass to avoid a potentially disastrous situation.
Sit him down and talk to him about your relationship, your expectations, your goals (as in school) and your vision of the future.
If you're at the "potential engagement" point, you should have had this conversation already, although most couples don't (hence the high divorce rate).
Do this very, very soon or else you could find him on his knees in front of you, holding out a ring. Would you rather say "no" then or have this conversation with him now?

Answer 6

You obviously are not communicating well right now...let alone later...and it is not good to be leading him on. You need to get clearer about what you want to do...and clearly be letting him know how you feel. My granddaughter just got engaged, and she clearly told her boyfriend...I'm not getting married until I am finished with college...he had a career to work on as well. Now, two years later they are finally ready to start planning the wedding and cementing the career plans.

A true, right relationship can wait for things to work out for the benefit of both of you. It is wisdom for you to finish college...suppose you had to support him? And to be out of debt....with school loans, that is not always possible. Everything doesn't have to be perfection....but you do need to plan together.

You can say "don't ask me to marry you until.....and that will tell him where you are at...and you need to be talking and agreeing about it. If you can't do that...don't get married!

Answer 7

Do you want to marry him? If the answer is yes, then you could always say yes, and have an extended engagement...and your yes could be conditional on the things you stated. Or, if you're not sure he's the one (if you're not sure, then the answer is probably no) Then explain that you love him, and that you are flattered that he asked you to marry him, but that, although you are willing to make a committment, you are not ready for marriage yet. Hope things work out for you!!

Answer 8

Well, don't wait until he proposes... You need to sit down with him and discuss your future/possible future together. Tell him exactly what you put here, that you want to get married when you're out of college, when you're both stable financially, etc. If he knows these things before hand, he'll know to wait.
Hope I helped, good luck! =)

Answer 9

Well ... there really isn't a gentle way to do something like that. One thing I would suggest is to not make it too personal. Instead of talking about his financial situation, perhaps you can talk about your ideal for your future. perhaps something like; when I am stable financially and career wise, I would consider settling down. But before then I would like to explore and experience the world blah blah blah.

This type of idealized pondering might help motivate him to work towards your ideal. If he cares about you and your hopes and dreams he'll take notice.

Good luck.

Answer 10

my boyfriend did the same thing. ... he proposed to me, he was not financially stable, i was in my 1st year of college, i really didnt trust him, etc. I just told him no...straight up. I didnt feel bad at all because i knew i was doing the right thing and i felt he was just proposing to me to keep me around. I figured, i wasnt planning on leaving and i was gonna give him time to get his life together so why rush the situation.