Can't accept my 19 yr. daughter's 32 yr.fiancee?

Question

My daughter is barely 19 and shacked up with a 32 year old with a kid. My daughter is VERY immature and weeks before she moved in with him she was having tantrums about having to do chores at home. She refuses to have anything to do with me if I can't accept him. My prob is that I have to wonder how screwed up he has to be to see anything in a messed up kid. I have to consider my other kids and their emotional safety also (she is the oldest of 5). My other kids are an autistic 13 year old, 7 year old boy/girl twins and a 3 year old. I worry about what kind of example she is being for them. They so far don't know anything except they were hurt that their older sister wasn't here on Christmas (she preferred to be with her new family). What do I do

Answer 1

let her go for now...she will return on her own.

Answer 2

YES YOU CAN!!!!!!! I am 20 years old and have been with a man 13 years older than me for 3 years. That makes me 17 at the time we hooked up. There is absolutly nothing wrong with it. You've probably heard this saying Age is just a number" and it's true. Put it this way....if she was 30 and he was dating a 42 year old man it would not be a concern for you at all. I am deeply in love with this man and my parents were a little nervous at first but know they accept him and his 2 kids. So if your daughter is happy and he's a nice guy you should support her 100%. You WILL be asked by friends and family "why are you letting her date him?" but just tell them that it was her desision and she's very happy. Plus she is 19 .

Answer 3

Well damn thats nothing.

I'm married for almost 4 yrs, with the same guy for 7 years and a week now, and there is 21 1/2 years age difference between him and i, and 9 yrs age difference between his oldest daughter and i.

I'm a step mom and get respect from his 3 kids 20, 15, and 13.

Except him. Be polite. No one said you had to like him if you except him. She'll either stay or he'll get over the lust thing with her and send her packing back home to you.

If you want your daughter around, change your attitude and quick other wise you wont have her around at all.

Answer 4

The forbidden fruit!

You daughter is 19 and has the legal right to choose who she wants to marry. Like it or not, she is an adult. If you ever want a relationship with her, you need to respect her.

I do sympathize with you and I too feel (from what I read in your question) that this relationship with this older man is not the best thing, but as I said, she is free to make her own decisions.

You on the other hand, have the right if not the moral duty to make your opinions heard. Talk to you daughter (don't yell or get angry this will make matters worse). Let her know how you feel, but remember the decision is hers to make.

If you push to hard, you will push your daughter away. Cooler heads MUST prevail or a feud will ensue.

This Christmas should have been a wake up call for you. Push her man away and you push her away.

Sorry that this is happening to you.
I wish you luck.

Answer 5

Wow, this really is a tough situation. Especially when she won't listen to you. Really sit down and talk to her about the cons of marrying a 32 year old--what it could do to her family, and such. If she refuses to listen, there's nothing you can do, sadly. It's her life, and if that's what makes her happy, then let it go. You did your part. You talked to her, you tried to persuade her. As a mother of a 19 year old, that's pretty much all you can do. And you never know, maybe he's a nice guy. Maybe they will turn out to live happily ever after. If her life turns out to be miserable, she will come back on her own. If otherwise, she'll be happy.

Hope everything works out.

Answer 6

Personally, I think that you should just let her marry the 32 year old. She's already a legal adult, and as an adult, she should be able to make her own decisions.

But in this case, it looks like she's still acting like a 10 year old child. (Sorry.) And if she ends up getting a divorce and messes up her life, well, her parents warned her and she wouldn't have anyone to blame but herself.

Truthfully, yes, I believe that she is setting a terrible example for her younger siblings, but then again, they can also learn from her on how not to become.

Let her go through with it. I think that she needs to see that everything won't go her way. Hopefully, her fiancee could help too... But I won't put any money on him.

Answer 7

Yikes...that's a sticky situation. Well, seeing as how she is 19, you really have no power over her anymore. She's gonna learn life the hard way. But give this guy a chance, he might not be so bad, you know? My parents always incouraged me to date older men, they seem to have it more together. They always gave my boyfriends a chance. It was the younger boys who hurt me the most. Just give him a chance is what I'm trying to say, he may surprise you. It's either try or your daughter will be outta your life until you can work something out. 19 year old females have alot going on in thier heads than most people assume. And women matture faster than boys too.

Answer 8

You drew the line by making her choose. Would you rather have her with someone her own age that beats her or treats her like crap? If she is happy let her be. Kids act differently than they do when they are at home, even 19 year olds. You are judging him and you do not even know him. Why don't you give him a chance? What does his age have to do with the emotional safety of your other children? Her new family does not give her ultimatums.

Answer 9

There is really nothing you can do. She is over the age of 18 and considered an adult. Although you are not comfortable with the situation, she may be right where she needs to be. If the gentleman in question treats her well and is willing to take care of her and loves her then you have to accept it. Or loose your daughter forever. Remember our children are usually very different when not at home...maybe he is what she needs to grow up. You don't have to hold her up to the younger ones as a good or bad example...she is their sister, not a saint.

You need to be honest with them, yourself and your other kids. You should be able to tell your daughter that although you do not approve of the situation you love her and want her to feel free to come home to visit her family. And tell him that although you aren't happy with the situation as long as he is good to her and truly loves her he is welcome as well. That is all that matters anyway. Tell your other children the truth, but don't paint her in a bad light...remember they are all that each other will have after you are gone and you don't want to come in between them.

Suck it up and make the best of it, it may be the best thing in the long run, only time will tell.

Answer 10

I know that this is very difficult for you but you cannot do anything about the situation unless she wants to admit her mistake. This is not going to happen. She is over the age of eighteen, so you no longer have any say in what she chooses to do with her life.

This guy may be terrible for her, or he may be fine; that is something that only time will tell.

You wish her the best, and if you absolutely cannot accept this guy, you are going to be pushing your eldest daughter out of your life. You have to decide what you want the most, your daughter with someone you don't approve of , or no daughter.

Good luck, I hope everything works out well for your family.

Answer 11

Does your state have a law about minors having sex?

There isn't much you can do about your daughter. She will make her own messes before she grows up.

Your other kids can learn about her mistake to not do it again. Your kids are young enough to not be directly affected by this. Keep positive with them.

Maybe meet her someplace in public for lunch. Tell her you love her and you won't tell her what to do or not do. (this will destroy anything you have left with her) Meet her and treat her like an adult. An adult who has chosen a way of life. Don't give in to your need to yell at her and tell her what to do. You also don't have to give her permission to do what she is doing.

Keep the conversation light. Let her be her own person.She will expect you to cry and tell her what she is doing wrong. She will respect you not inteferring. And with that, eventually she might come to you for help. It is your choice. Alilenate or love.

These lunches can inculde your kids.

Don't make the mistake and talk about her mistake in front of the kids or with other people. If your younger kids don't know surely won't make them fallow what she has done.
Don't expose them directly to the drama.

Then pray that she grows up. Let go.