How can you disown a grown child who constantly asks for money, verbally abuses you?

Question

I have tried to help him with jobs (he quits or loses hours), college (quit, owes money), moving to another city (OK for a while, then failure and more money must be sent). He repeatedly hooks up with a girlfriend who is a bigger a loser than he is (jail, shoplifting, drugs, borderline personality disorder) and she makes the situation worse. Now her parents have kicked her out of the house and I refuse to see either one of them. Fortunately, I get to see my grandson (whom he doesn't support) because I'm on good terms with the mom, who is wonderful. I'm scared about the time when I get too old to defend my house, or my retirement income. (I'm not currently retired, but looking down the road.) What should I do?

Answer 1

you seem to be talking about your own son.... nothing harder than seeing your own son who was one day all your hope for the future, hurting himself and hurting you...
and of course it must hurt you more to see and read insulting and sarcastic hurtful and insensitive answers and advices form people
but believe me, there is no way to help him other than stopping your help for him.. he has to get hurt to learn, and grow up.. it is difficult for you to do that .. but let him learn from the school of life...
regarding defending your own house in the future nothing you can do but they have to defend themselves, same as he does to care about himself...
we have only 2 duties towards our kids in their life time.. give them roots, then give them wings..... you probably did or did not do your first part, but you cannot do anything now but give him his wings... that has nothing to do with your love for him,.. you love him and will forever love him...he should know that....

sad but true....good luck

Answer 2

it's time for tough love. It's one of the hardest things a parent can do. Cut off all communication with him after this conversation.
Son I have helped you until I am blue in the face. You need to grow up and support yourself! You have survival skills that need to be explored. My help financial emotional and physical have stopped as of today. Don't come back by call or communicate with me until you have a full time job, nice home of your own, support your child and have a sable relationship. There are homeless groups that will help you out there and there is good ole common sense that I've tried to teach you all your life. Get out there and make something of yourself. Don't push me to do something that you will regret..I will put you in jail if you ever even THINK of doing me harm. I am doing this for your own good. Good luck son and I hope to see you soon with a new life!
Now the hardest part is when he will call and cry and beg...at this point HANG UP!!! You MUST NOT GIVE IN!!! He needs a good dose of grow up and you've allowed him not to for years! It's hard you WILL CRY you WILL feel sad BUT the verbal abuse will stop ( should have never started really) and he will grow up and do the right thing good luck hun!

Answer 3

It seems that the more you do for him, the less he respects you. It can be very hard to say "no" to someone who has come to feel "entitled" to help.

I would stop giving him money or helping him out of situations so that he must help himself. If he is verbally abusive, don't talk to him ---tell him that he cannot talk to you that way or you will hang up the phone. If he is visiting you, try to have a friend with you to help you tell him it is time to leave.

If he ever even acts like he MIGHT be physically abusive, get a restraining order and keep him away.

Let someone know if he threatens you. If there is an agency on aging in your area, talk to someone there to find out what you can do legally to protect your money and your house.

Answer 4

Hello,
Make your will out now. Make sure you update it.
This child of yours is this way for you made him this way. The constant money, the constant giving.
We owe our children help, but help sometimes comes in other forms then money.
It is nice and all to blame others people such as the girlfriend who is a bigger looser then your son, but our children are a reflection of us.
We have to take some of the responsibility. Not all of it.

Have you thought that maybe, just maybe your son has mental health issues? That maybe the family has mental health issues? Why not get some mental health help from a professional, ask there opinion.

Wish you well.

Answer 5

Lay down the rules:
1) You will no longer loan/give money.
2) If he verbally abuses you or Anything like that, he's NOT aloud in your house. Don't give him a key, if he has one, change the locks.
He needs to GROW UP. If you have a relationship with your grandchild's mother that's great, because you won't have to go through your son to visit him. Don't feel guilty if he phones you needing money, etc. He's capable of working, I'm assuming, and if he can't, he needs to find a program or something to get him help.
WARNING: You need to do these things. My father is like, 49, lives with my grandparents (his mother and husband) he pays no rent, borrows money constantly-even used her credit card and racked up a $4 000 bill she now has to pay on old age pension. She won't kick him out; even I have suggested she do it! Anyway, what I'm saying is, if you allow this behaviour to go on, it likely won't stop until there's nothing left you can give.

Answer 6

Just do it! It's called detaching yourself with love. Sometimes we have to do it for our own sanity. It's good to think ahead. you have time to fix that now before it actually happens. with a Will. You don't have to leave him everything especially if you know it will be squandered and lost in drugs or casinos or what ever else.! It would be sad to leave your home but if it's best then when you get older you might think about selling and going to a retirement community. I think I'd like to live in one, with many fun people around. Leave your son something & the majority of your stuff to your grandson or someone else who will be responsible.

Answer 7

It sounds like he has a mental disorder. Seriously. If he won't get help or help himself then he is doomed to this lifestyle forever. Get a restraining order. Make sure he is not on any of your medical contacts, don't put him on any of your insurance policies, and get a living will and specify that you leave nothing to him and he has no rights to you. Call the police if he calls or shows up at your home. I am sorry you are in this position. Don't bail him out anymore.

Answer 8

Tell him he needs to see a therapist , he and his girlfriend need to go to a mental or family health clinic for couples counseling, tell him to look in he phone book, if he or she doesn't have insurance the clinic goes by a sliding fee scale, tell him if he doesn't go then you can't help him any more. Then if he gets harder to handle go to the police and get an order of protection.
If you don't want to do any of those perhaps if you sold your house without telling him you are selling it, then move a few states away he won't bother you anymore.
Good Luck.

Answer 9

fist you should protect yourself and your assets legally..invest in a lawyer NOW.

then look inward and ask yourself why you think he turned out this way..a child doesn't just turn out "bad". there's a reason for it..what do you think was the reason? the earliest time frame you mention is his college days..what happened before that ?? i wouldn't give up on him until i've exhausted all venues..maybe there should be an "intervention" by those who care for him ( if any exist ).. the fact that he has a son of his own might be a reason for him to shape up, and if it's not, then he's on his own.

Answer 10

Wow. I am so sorry you are having to deal with such a situation. Have you tried to tell him exactly how you feel? If not, I would try. If that doesn't work, just flat tell him until he can straighten his act up, there will be no more money or any support until he does.
Good luck to you.

Answer 11

Sounds like he has a Drug Problem. Talk to him, ask him to get help, if he refuses throw him out and get yourself an order of protection from the local police dept. Use it when necessary. You are not dealing with your son, you are dealing with the drugs. Be careful and get help. Bring another adult or counseller into it when you talk to him. Let him know how serious you are. Be strong and use "tough love" or he will dominate you in you elderly years. Good Luck and God bless.