Is this considered to be selfish?

Question

Not wanting to date someone who has kids from a previous relationship

Answer 1

No. It takes a strong person to be able to handle it. I'm in this situation or maybe worse, married. It's definitely been difficult or a roller coaster. I've been on here asking for advice, usually when I'm at my wit's end or it just feels like it. One thing though sometimes you can't help who you fall for. I love my husband very much. In time, I am loving his kids more and more. I think they are adjusting better to me. We had a great weekend and a great Christmas together. It wasn't perfect but it feels like it's getting better. But it is not for the faint of heart. If you find yourself in this situation then do whatever you can to read and talk to other women who are in the situation already. But if you can avoid it then do. You're life will surely be easier.

Answer 2

Not if you're absolutely sure that you don't have or want kids. Parenting is not for everyone these days, and not all people are up to the task, especially if the kids are infants. For starters, there is a chance in which someone grew up in a home where spanking/whipping/beating was all they knew, they don't want to repeat the cycle and yet, they can't provide a loving home for a child. That's perfectly understandable. Plus, some people don't feel comfortable raising someone else's kids. The only exception (besides actually wanting kids, of course) would be if the single parent tells the story about how his/her partner just up and left, saying (s)he didn't want the baby, and the mate is heartbroken and angry.

Also, raising kids to college age does not come cheap. Picture a childless businessman who is wealthy and looking to retire young. Then, all of a sudden, bang, he gets married, and suddenly he has three young children to support. He would not be happy, and would be very resentful, having to alternate his life like this. This is why some married couples are choosing to remain childless these days, whether they earn enough money or not.

Without children, couples can be free to pursue their own career goals and travel abroad well, and go out and spend time with family and friends whenever they want. Once they have children, however, all that has to be sacrificed. Some people/couples may not want to deal with this, as they would have to make great sacrifices for the children, especially in finding a sitter.

So no, if you absolutely feel you can't handle the package, it wouldn't be selfish to not want to date someone with kids from a previous relationship. It is a decision that should be respected.

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Answer 3

I don't see it as selfish at all. Everyone knows what they can tolerate and what they can't. If you see problems down the road, you are being smart by avoiding getting into a situation like this in the first place.

The only thing you need to watch out for is that if you are older and desire a relationship with someone else, you may not be able to "pick and choose". People in the older age group usually have a "history" of some sort. It is rare to find someone over 30 who does not have children and rarer still to find someone over 30 who has not been married at least once.

I do applaud people though who realize limitations early on and refuse to make things any worse. Its very sad to see someone marry into a family and have to divorce because they of step-children. Yet, it happens all the time and its a terrible emotional strain on everyone involved.

Answer 4

If you don't want to be a stepparent, then it's the best choice to make - not only for the kids, but for the parent who shouldn't waste any of their valuable time dating someone who isn't interested in a relationship with someone in their situation.

Selfish? Not really. Just not interested in dating someone who's priority is their kids. Some people need to be 'put first' in a relationship, get all the attention - that's important to them, makes them feel loved. A parent can't always give that kind of person the attention they want. Why date someone who doesn't make you feel loved?

Answer 5

NO not at all is it selfish. Getting into a relationship with a person who has a kid is a BIG change. You need to be ready for it, much less kids. If you feel uncomfortable with the situation, then don't do it. Not only are you getting a boyfriend, but a kid also.

Answer 6

No. Individuals have free choice. it would be selfish to date someone who has kids from a previous relationship and not care or give any attention to those kids.

Answer 7

I have a girlfriend with kids, and she dated this guy she wanted a relationship with, but it turns out when she wanted him to meet her kids, he dumped her. He said he couldn't date someone with alot of baggage. So I guess in a way it was selfish of him, considering he did like her before he knew about the kids.

Answer 8

Not selfish at all. It's better if you get out when someone else has children that you don't want to take care of. If you stayed, the kids would have hatred towards you and it would just rip you and the guy apart.

Answer 9

No not selfish, just personal choice. At least you are aware in your mind that kids can complicate a new relationship but they can also enhance it. As I said, it's all down to personal choice. But I can fully see where you are coming from as well ..... and you are absolutely right to have that option as many people want a new love all to themselves and not to have to share. That view is commonsense and I believe can lead to a stronger relationship. Good question!

Answer 10

I'd say that if the other person wants to have a relationtionship with you, then I think it's okay, but if you're pressuring them into having a relationship with you then I think that you should back off. But the one with the kids will do what she thinks is best for her child, and if that means being with you then it's not selfish.
-Hanna