How has your opinion of adoption changed since visiting Y!A?

Question

Most people have pre-conceived opinions about adoption. Have your ideas changed since you've read questions & answers here?

If so, how?

Answer 1

My opinion has not changed too much. I know that adoption is an unregulated business and children are the commodity. No question or answer has challenged my knowledge of that. I have been really shocked by the number of people who have not heard (and don't want to hear) about the abuses in the US adoption system.

I have a deeper understanding of how adopted persons are hurt by closed record laws. I also have a better understanding of pre-birth bonding between the mother and child and now know how harmful it is to deny a newborn contact with his/her natal mother. I feel that in the case where the mother chooses adoption, there needs to be a gentler transition.

I have a deeper respect for people who foster special needs children. There have been some very moving answers about the real heroes in adoption who provide nurturing for handicapped and abused children.

Last, I have been very surprised by the number of people who come to Y!A thinking that there is a plethora of expectant parents who "don't want" their babies. Many seem mystified that struggling to provide for ones children does not negate their parental love.

Answer 2

I was more surprised than anything.

Surprised that many people classify all natural mothers as crackwhores and heroin addicts. My mother was and is neither.

Surprised that people go so far as to post their own websites trolling for a baby on Y!A and even use it as their id so they can try to get a baby without having to do a homestudy.

Surprised that adoptees are viewed as bitter and mean if they question anything about adoption or adoption practices in the US.

And the thing that surprises me most is that so many people wanting to adopt acknowledge that there are problems with the system and think reform needs to happen but are more than willing to adopt from the very same system they claim needs reform. Why would someone want to compromise their own morals and standards that way? If you know something is corrupt and dishonest and unethical, how could you ever use that system for your own personal gain?

I don't get it. It baffles me honestly.

So no, none of my opinions have changed whatsoever. A lot of what I see here just makes me really sad.

Answer 3

The main thing I have learned is that adoptees should have the right to know their ancestry and medical history. I am torn between letting them know their birth parents names. I say this because when I gave my daughter up, we were told that she could not find us and we could not find her and that's the way we wanted it. We were told this was the way it should be and best for everyone. We believed what they said at the time. Now that I have found her, I know that her adoptive parents were told that they couldn't be found either and that's what they wanted too. When we found her, her adoptive parents were very mad. We sure were not thinking about our baby's rights as an adult. That was 36 years ago. My bdaughter said she never was going to look for us, she figured we had our reason's right or wrong and she would just live with that. I'm sorry that adoptees are not allowed to know their history they should know it. I'm just not sure if they should know the birthparents name. Only 6 family members knew about her. She was a big secret, I didn't want anyone to know about. I thought it would destroy my life if people found out.

Answer 4

I don't think my opinion of adoption has changed much. I always knew that adoption was a complex, problematic scenario. Not always wrong, and not always bad, but always complicated. Never something to take lightly.

What has changed, for me, was the belief that most people would understand the complexity of adoption if adoptees simply spoke up about their experiences. It turns out, I've discovered, that if adoptees do speak up, they stop being the cute little babies everyone wants to adopt, and start being ungrateful, anti-adoption, ********. Those people who have experienced adoption cannot speak out against it without being chastised. I have been told that I had a bad adoption experience. That is upsetting, since I love my aparents, and they did the best they could. My problem isn't my aparents, it's adoption as such. But few here want to hear that. I'm surprised by how many people want to hold on to the myth that adoption is wonderful.

Answer 5

I have learned a lot. I thought it was simple. Now I see that there are a lot of factors, good & bad, that can make a huge difference. I feel blessed for my family, and I want what's best for them. I've started reading the links and books that have been suggested, and they've shown me how complicated it is and what I can do to help my children grow. I think I can be a better parent because of all this new information.

Answer 6

My personal opinion about adoption hasn't changed from the positive view I've always had. I have, however, learned that there are far more adoptees out there that who were not happy with their adoptions than I ever would have guessed. Since my experience was positive, I never considered there might be negatives to adoption for other people or that there might be people who didn't have a good experience. I've learned a great deal on here.

Answer 7

I will say this that I have come to understand that there are good and bad adoptions. I use to think that adoption was oh, so good and wonderful and nothing ever bad happened. I came to see that some kids are adopted by abusive parents, that some deal with issues of adoption. So, even though I do not see anything wrong with someone adopting a kid that needs a home. I also see the need of reforms so the best interest of the child is taken into consideration.

Answer 8

I've become MUCH more aware that there are people out there that are angry, bitter, devastated, etc... from their adoption experience. Call me naive..maybe even stupid...I had NO IDEA that was out there. I just assumed everyone was like me...happy and all. So..I guess its good I came here...this is something I think I needed to know. I didn't realize there was so much coercion and stuff with bmoms either..as I'm one of those too and I came to that decision totally on my own. I'd have to thank everyone here for opening my eyes to the plight of others - my experiences were good but now I know that adoption DOES need reform and that lots of people DO need help and counseling and it should be more available.

Answer 9

my opinion of adoption hasn't changed at all.

what i can say has changed, is that i've noticed more people who are less willing to mark in lock-step with the "adoption is always a loving choice" banter.

i have also "learned" that not all aparents feel the same way about b/f/n-moms and adult adoptees. yet, actually wish to learn how best to provide for the children they have adopted.

and to address a previous comment, i would disagree that those who question adoption practices are simply being "contrary"; and have little experience with adoption. it's most common that those with little experience with adoption don't quite understand the loss, coercion and profit motives involved with "newborn" adoption. as such, they are more likely to stick to the party-line propaganda that made it acceptable to tell generations of young, unmarried pregnant women, that the best thing for them is to give away their children.

i am a believer that no social program is perfect (welfare, social security, public education, medicare, et al); hence, they can all use a little reform, in my opinion. adoption is not exempt.

Answer 10

My opinion on *adoption* has not changed, HOWEVER, my eyes HAVE been opened to understand that not ALL adoption stories are "happy" ones. I have learned to see some other sides to things that I may not have been fully aware of in the past. Most recently I have come to understand the concerns regarding pre-birth matching vs adoption plans made after a child is born.

That being said, I think what has changed the most for me since visiting Y!A is that my eyes have also been opened to the cruelty and disrespect that people throw at each other when they have a difference of opinion. It saddens me greatly that adoptive parents and people who have positive adoption experiences are "ganged up on" in here and in some respects "bullied" because they care to refer to adoption as a positive thing.

I understand that not everyone has had a great experience, and I understand that there is loss associated with adoption. My heart bleeds for those who have been coerced into doing something that they didn't want to do or not given the support needed to parent their child. I think its absolutely horrible that adoptees are denied access to certain info. What I don't understand is why some people have to get so nasty when voicing their opinions. Insults abound in this category and it's completely uncalled for. Not all Adoptive Parents are baby stealers (as I've been called numerous times) just as not all birth parents are drug dealers. I hope that with the New Year we can all remember to "play nice" with Y!A and use it for its intended purpose - to share our experiences and knowledge - NOT to beat each other up over differences in opinion.

Thanks for asking the question, Sunny. I think it's a good one!