Dating a married man...?

Question

We've been very close friends for about 11 years. The attraction has always been there but the timing was always off. Still, we remained the closest of friends. When he began dating his wife, he brought her around and no one, including me, thought it was going to last. Until she got pregnant. He is a responsible guy and he did love her so marriage was the next logical step. And all of our friends, including me, supported him. We continued to support him even after she changed into this controlling, mean woman after the wedding, not allowing him to see his friends and even preventing him from seeing his own family on occasion. This has been going on for three years. He is fed up but can't leave his daughter behind. One innocent evening, on one of the rare occasions he got to visit the old neighborhood, we were talking about his situation and our attraction and loneliness got the better of both of us. We want to continue seeing each other, but I don't know how to behave around him.

I am not being duped by him. I have seen with my own eyes how his wife is but have never voiced my opinion to him before (nor will I do it in the future). For my part: I do know this is wrong, but I can't help how I feel. I understand his situation having been in a similar one before (but I didn't have to divorce my husband, he passed away last year). I don't want him to leave his wife or child for me. I truly don't. I just believe at this point in time, we can help fulfil a need for each other.

Answer 1

wow, well if he isnt going to leave his wife. spare yourself the heart ache. if he is. give him the time and space to get himself together and see where u 2 go from there. but from the look sof it, it seems like he isnt gonna leave her because of his daughter. tell him dont waste him life on someone whom he doesnt really love, but if he does love her. u need to remove urself from the picture

Answer 2

There is no specific way to behave but than to stay away from him. You are a grown woman and you should know better than to come in between a marriage. Typical mistresses will always say that the wife is the problem and that's she a *****, but regardless of how she is it doesn't change the fact that he's still married and still goes home to her every night. He has a child and you are really playing with fire. If he never wanted to stay with his wife he shouldn't have married her in the first place, but you seeing him on the side will never last and you'll end up will 20 more questions on how to get through this when you should've chosen to walk away. You're the only one who's gonna get hurt if you choose to see him because he will not leave his wife until he leaves his wife. He'll promise you everything and things will be the same. Just think about it. It's not worth the future you could've had.

Answer 3

Clearly this woman who has turned into an awful person is not right for him, and I think it's stupid for people to get married because its "logical."

I think it's right that you supported him in a time of need. That's what friends are for. As far as to handle the situation, you ought to cultivate whatever is there between you and this other person and create an environment where he will make the decision for himself to leave him.

Feel the situation out. While it sounds like to me that he should leave her for you, I think it would be bad for you two to continue seeing each other while he is still married for a long period of time. It would be bad for you, him, his wife and his kids.

I mean him divorcing her would be bad for her and the kids of course, but you are the person with the most power in this situation. So if you're gonna make it happen, try to do it as painlessly as possible. If you guys are meant to be--and it sounds like you are if you've known him and gotten along together so well for so long--then it will probably just all naturally play out in your favor.

As far as behaving around him, eventually at some point you have to "pop the question" and force him to make a decision. Because again, it's not good for anybody if you drag this out. You might start to fall in love with him and he may never leave her and then you're screwed.

Some people think divorce is bad and evil because it's in the Bible or whatever, and they will call you a homewrecker. I think being called a homewrecker should be the least of your concern. It sounds like the relationship between your friend and his wife is not very pleasant and you'd be doing him a favor. If people have never been in an abusive relationship, whether through marriage or by blood, then they won't understand that separation is sometimes the best thing to alleviate a harmful or stressful situation.

Answer 4

First let me start off by saying, unless you are in their home for a considerable amount of time, you don't fully understand why she is controlling. He could have cheated on her (kinda like he is doing now, so there's reason number 1 why she could be controlling) 2, could have been having online chats with random women, or looking at porn a lot. Women usually aren't that controlling without a specific reason. My husband used to do this, once he knocked it off he had all the freedom in the world.

you may have known him for 11 years but until you live with a person you don't get the full spectrum of how they are in a different type of relationship, I would never date a married man, one because I have a little more respect for the wife, because I can put myself in her shoes, 2, if he's cheating on her, he will probably cheat on me as well, and 3, when kids are involved I wouldn't want to be the reason that the child has to go thru a divorce...

stop thinking about yourself and think about the wife and child. If you can break their world and live with yourself then go ahead, but I have no respect for cheaters and home wreckers.

Answer 5

So you start seeing him and 5 years down the road he's still saying he doesn't want to leave because of his daughter. You let some real relationships go by waiting for him to deal with his marriage because he says hes going to leave but can't right now. You keep your hopes up.
Or you go forward and don't look back. If your really meant to be together a few years from now he would have dealt with his issues and then you can do what you want to do but you didn't put you life on hold for a remote possibility and you didn't become the other woman in the middle of a real mess.

Answer 6

Basically you are jealous of him having a wife and you are still unmarried. This is one of the desires of humanity and most believers called this evil.

I'm an atheist so I don't really care about these sin or good things. One thing is for sure, you might be breaking this marriage. His wife was just being protective. Any women would have the same emotions. That is how society was created.

One thing is true is that man likes to mate with many female partners. That is their nature. So, we continue to follow the urge of nature except there are a few men who can control that urge. This is why we only have 50% divorce rate in the good old USA. If we cannot control our urge we could see 90% divorce rate in the future.

Religion played a big role for this 50% of men who never divorce and also some cultures do not accept divorce as a solution. Females are being submissive servants of the man like in Islam. Women in those cultures have no say about anything. They are slaves of men because of the Men who created the religions in controlling their wives minds. In fact, these muslim women accept who they are. Even if they are raped they accept it is their fault because they didn't cover their faces. Their faces attract men to rape them. Even the Courts agree if one lives in the middle east. Lucky, we are in America!!!

Answer 7

at this point you are the other woman. Do you want that.
He should figure out what he wants and what's best for his family/ daughter in the long run. If he chooses to leave the wife then get involved with him. How would you feel if you're husband was cheating on you. Granted the wife isn't good to him but that is his business to deal with it. All you can do it be a good loyal friend at this point. Not the other woman he is cheating on his wife with. Its make a bad situation worse with momentarily pleasure. and added guilt.

Answer 8

Do you want to know whether or not you should keep seeing him? No, not as long as he's still married. Even if you two care deeply about each other and his wife is a total buttmunch, you should respect each other enough to not do this while he's bound to someone else. Either he get a speedy divorce or you two just wait and pray about this situation. This man could be the greatest guy in the world, but if he puts you in a place where you become "The Other Woman", he may not be worth it. If he wants to be with you, he needs to show you he's willing to do whatever it takes to be with YOU, i.e., getting a divorce. Pray a serious prayer and the answer will become clear : )

Answer 9

He's married, with a child. For the sake of his daughter, encourge him to work out the bumps in his marriage. Otherwise, the poor girl (daughter) is punished for things that she had nothing to do with, she deservs a loving family that is together. If for some reason, in the end they get a divorce then go for it. But don't force the divorce or have an affair with him, that will cause too much trouble!!! Good Luck! and do the right thing... for his daughter.

Answer 10

OK sweetie, just because the wife is a *****, DOES NOT under any jurisdiction give you the right to mess around with a married man...especially one with a child. Jesus, what the hell is wrong with you? Girls like you are always asking strangers opinions and you're all gonna get the same answer- DON'T DO IT. Put yourself in the other womens shoes and stop being such a selfish *****!

Answer 11

You say this like it just happened, like you couldn't help it. You both had control over the situation and you crossed the line. If he's staying with this woman for the child, then that is his business. You coming into that relationship is only going to mess things up even more. Act like some adults here and realize that whatever you choose, you have to accept the consequences. It sounds like you both are being very selfish.