How do you tell a parent that their kids need to be disciplined?

Question

I asked a question earlier about my niece and nephew being disrespectful and rude, and many of you answered that I should tell my sister, their mother, to do something about it.

How do I go about doing that in a way that won't cause discord amongst the family?

My husband thinks saying something to my sister wouldn't do any good. It's not like she will go from a bad parent to a great parent because I had a few words with her. I'm thinking he's right. Sadly, it will probably be a situation where we will just have to distance ourselves if we want peace and quiet.

These kids are in 6th and 4th grades. They have punched me, thrown stuff at me, called me names, when I tell them what they need to do, they argue or purposefully do the opposite. They trash my house everytime they come over, I spend the entire time chasing after them. My sister does nothing. Seriously, it's to the point where I can't have them at my house anymore. They are totally out of control and disrespectful. So I need to either say something or not have them over.

Answer 1

There is no way to tell a parent their children are being disrespectful and rude. They won't believe you. Everyone wants to believe their child is perfect and they are perfect parents. I'm not saying they are right but the only thing you can do to insure there won't be discord is to keep your mouth shut and either endure it or stay away from them.

Answer 2

I have a similar problem. The difference in our problems is that it is not the kids. My niece and nephews are great kids, they just lack structure. Their parents are very self centered. They spoil their children, but pay no attention to them at the same time. Their house is always a mess. You can't get the kids anything nice to take home because it will be destroyed. I honestly feel bad for the kids. My brother-in-law is lazy and thinks that the kids are fully capable of cleaning up their rooms and other parts of the house without any help. Their are 5 kids, the oldest being 8 and the youngest being 1. When the kids are at my house, they know their limits. They know what they can and can't do. When it is time to clean up, i get down and help them. They are pretty good when they are with me, which just shows that at home they have a total lack of supervision. Their parents are so self-centered, they do everything for themselves. The kids get alot, but i think it is more so the parents can brag about it to others. My sister volunteers to help with baseball, soccer, and boyscouts, but i think it is all about image. She wants to make it appear that she is such a good mother by juggling all these activities while raising 5 kids and helping manage their own business.
Sometimes i can only stand their crap for so long before i tell them that they have to make a change. There comes a time when ya just cant ignore things, and if it creates a family conflict, it is just something ya have to deal with in order to make an impact.
It may be painful, but telling the parents that the job they are doing isn't the best, could be the best thing you can do for them. Maybe then they will wake up and realize that a change needs to be made.

Answer 3

You shouldn't have to distance your self from your sister just because she has unruly kids,,,,This is a touchy subject that maybe other family members can help you with,,,but she needs to know before nobody wants to have her children around.Especially at family get-together{{ this can ruin a good time for everyone}}depending on how close the two of you are will determine if it will be easier for you,,,Maybe the last time you asked this question ,the people who answered was right. Also ask your mom or another family member to help you have this talk with you (be prepared that at this point she may think that your all ganging up against her,,surely she knows her kids are "no angels" already.I would try to get some help in this and start out by saying how much you love her and her children and that your only thinking of what will be better for the children for when they get older and will be trying to make AND keep friends,,Good Luck, this is a touchy subject,,and you may also add in to her that the whole family feels the same so ALL the blame wont be directed just on you.

Answer 4

I understand completely what you're going through!! My husband and I have been together for 5 years now and we've been married for 1.5 of that time. Now that I'm officially part of the family, I feel like I should be able to step in and knock one of the kids upside their head! What I do when my nephews start acting up, I tell my husband to handle it. I've told my sister in law several times about how the kids need to be disciplined. What I would suggest you do, is be honest with your sister. You should be able to tell her anything. If she gets upset, it's only because the truth hurts. The next time the kids start acting up, be honest with her and tell her this- "I've been pretty patient up until this point. If you don't do something with these kids, I will. I'm telling you this because I'm your sister and I love you and if they're not dealt with now at this age, when they get older, they'll walk all over you." If she doesn't do anything then, go upside their heads & put them out!!
Also, the worst thing you can do is not be active in their lives. They need some type of discipline. It's a hard world out there and if they live life not knowing right from wrong, you'll have a hand in their failure.

Answer 5

This may not be the advice you want to hear, but it needs to be done.

First, YOU should discipline the children when they are under your care. If they hit you, call the police and report abuse. Give them one warning - then follow-through. If I was a dear friend, but stole from you, you might warn me once. The second time, you might call the police. The same is true here. Most likely, they may face some juvenille court actions.

But before you do this, tell this all to your sister. She's your sister! This is more than "being sassy". Those terrors are destroying your house and physically abusing you. Most likely, they do the same to your sister. But tell her that she's free to tolerate it in her house, but it's not going to happen again in your home. That the next time they hit you, you will call the police and press charges.

The threat of the police might be enough to wake up your sister and those kids.

Another alternative is tell your sister that her children are no longer welcome in the home. These aren't 3 year olds. They are somewhere between 9 and 12 years of age - more than old enough to know what their actions mean. It's time someone taught them responsibility.

Will this alienate you amongst family? Yes. Will it ultimately help those children? Hopefully. But doing nothing is not going to solve any problems. The abusing 12 year old today could start on a path to real destruction at 14. Someone has to step in - I hope you have the strength to do so.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Since it's your sister then maybe you can take her out to lunch or go shopping so you guys can talk. Approach her like a friend. No one likes criticism so I wouldn't go that way. I would try to keep it positive and tell her things that you have been seeing. Ask her if they are bothering her as well or if she thinks they are a problem. Be upfront about your objective. But don't make it all about you. Try to see things from her point of view. I think if you approach it from that way that you will have more chance of success. Discipline is a necessary thing for kids because it sets limits and boundaries. They will encounter this when they become adults. They will have an easier time adjusting though if they get it at home. Kids want to know what they can and cannot do because it adds to security and stability. It also lets the kids know that their parents really love and care about them. They may "hate" their parents but it won't last. They won't if they know the parents do listen to them and treat them with respect. You know your sister pretty well I suspect so go with your instincts on how to talk to her. Show her respect and don't be too hard on her. It's not easy being a parent.

Answer 7

IMHO, I think the most important part is being open to a negative response from your sister because you can't really receive a "yes" without being willing to hear a "no". What I mean by this is that if you have it in your head that it will go a certain way then it certainly will not go that way.

However, if you come from just a place love and acceptance with your sister without making her "wrong" about her parenting will work wonders. In fact, over time it might have gotten worse and because she is constantly hearing it, she hasn't noticed the difference. You, on the other hand, only have to deal with it once in a while so you can tell the difference right away. After all, your neice and nephew weren't always brats, right?

One last word of advice, make sure you leave the word "but" out of the conversation. Switch it with "and". This might sound stupid but (hehe) it really does work. Ask yourself, which would you rather hear?

"Hey sis, I love Charlie and Susie BUT they're acting like brats."

Or...

"Hey sis, I love Charlie and Susie AND they're acting like brats."

And don't worry about causing discord because the brats already have that covered.

Answer 8

I read your last question and thought many of the answers to be intriguing. It is hard having family with bad children. Those children, who are rude, hit, talk back and just don't listen can take a toll on the family members such as yourself. In addition, you want to be involved but it's hard because it is hard to cope with the children. I am sure it is frustrating to you and it seems like no one but yourself want to do something. In actuality, you are not alone. Many of us feel this way about our family and/ friends children.

I have made the sarcastic remarks, "Oh my goodness, what is wrong with your son!" I have given advice, "Do you punish your daughter? It will be good if you start now because she may cause a problem when she starts to go to school and interact with other kids." I have been rude, "I cannot hang out with you because your child is terrible." I have even asked a question that I knew the answer to, just to drop a hint to describe the child's behavior, "Is your child hyperactive? They seem to be really hyper and aggressive and doesn't listen much. Is he always like this?" I suggest sports that help with discipline such as karate, gymnastics, etc. The will say they were going to put them in a sport and never do. One thing always happens no matter how nice, how rude, how slick your comment or advice is, they always get defensive. Any comment will seem like an attack on the parent. The reason is they want to feel as if they are a good parent and the child is just bad. They may have given up on punishing the child because it hasn't help. In other words, you can say whatever you want but unless that person comes to you and ask your advice on what to do, there is nothing you can say that will make them change.

The only thing I suggest is that you have alone time with the children and teach them how to act in your house. My mom is very strict and none of my cousins wanted to visit because she ruled with an iron fist. There are many non physical punishments. Also praise them when they do well. Ultimately you may not be able to teach them how to act all the time but at least you can teach them how to act in your house.

If you do a great job with the children then your sister may ask you for advice. Try to look into behavior modification techniques. They should help discipline them. Psychologist do not believe that punishment is the best because it does not teach them the correct behavior however it does help.

Answer 9

In my opinion, no matter *how* you say it, she is going to be offended. There is no nice way to tell someone that their kids are brats and she is a lousy parent because she allows it to continue.

If you really want to say something, I would say it the next time she wants to get together with you and your husband. Maybe something along the lines of, "We're really not up for tolerating the kids right now..." I'm sure she'll ask, "Whatever do you mean?" Or, perhaps talk about a "friend" who has a really rude and bratty kid and the parent does nothing to control the behavior. See what she says and see if you can't get her to talk about her own kids' behavioral problems. Just be prepared for when she goes on the defensive...

I always find it funny when my brother and his family come to visit. He's got a great job and the huge costume built home and A LOT more money than we do...but my kids are so much better behaved. It does make me giggle with satisfaction sometimes...

Answer 10

I was rocking along reading the posts on this with no real connection, until.......... I came to the one about grandkids. We have 6 with three of them living in the same town. When they are at home, they aren't what you'd call extremely bad, but they aren't great either if you know what I mean.

However, when they are with us they are different children. They don't show out and with very rare exceptions don't talk back. Why??? Because Nanny and Poppy "don't play!" They have been told from the very start what is acceptable and what is not here. This has resulted in kids that act two entirely different ways with one granddaughter probably taking her first communion this Easter. That's another heart warming story.

So, I guess my suggestion would be that if you have a chance to have your sister's kids with you, set boundaries and let them see how it is to live within the confines of certain rules, etc. They probably aren't getting it at home which is resulting in their lousy behavior.

As for telling your sister, what kind of relationship do you have with her?? If you've been able to talk things out with her over the years, go for it. Talk to her. Maybe a sister's lunch, coffee, etc.with just the two of you would be the ticket. Their behavior will only get worse with time if someone doesn't intervene. Better family like you than the law if it's allowed to go on and they graduate to bigger and meaner things.

Good Luck

Answer 11

I agree with Molly. You need to state what you will and will not allow in your home and make it clear that if she doesn't take care of ensuring her children follow that, then you will or she will have to come alone.

I have a sister who had brats from hades. They would come over and tear the house apart and then right before they left she would clean up. I finally had to tell her that she would not have to clean up behind her little monsters if she learned to tell them no and mean it. I then told her I work hard to buy things and to keep my home nice and expect that others not destroy it when they visit as I do not destroy their homes when I visit.

Yes, it p3ssed her off for about a week. That was such a nice quiet week, lol. Then when she returned it was a little tense the first two or three times they came over, but they had stopped treating everything they came in contact with like pinatas. And if they did act up she got them back in line.

Your niece and nephew are your blood too. If no one teaches them how to act now, they are only going to get worse. I would rather have my sister p2ssed off for a week or two than her calling me saying they disrespected a cop and are in juvie. Because then I would be to blame too, for not speaking up.

I also made sure I had activities that entertained them, outdoors and in. They had their own little boxes in the closet filled with things they could play with or read to occupy their minds and hands. Quiet, pen and marker free toys. And every time I found something new, I wrapped it and tossed it in two other boxes that I kept seperate. I decorated the boxes with cut outs from magazines and gold stars. And if they acted right they got one item. If they didn't one of the items in their play box got tossed in the garbage. And the items I provided were to stay there for next time.

I know a lot of kids not minding is the parents fault, but a little blame has to go to everyone else for not speaking up. Remember the saying, 'It takes a village to raise a child'? It still rings true. Now that people are offended by the least little comment and you have to be so PC about everything, look at the kids we turn out today. Wonder why they act so bad? And don't forget, about a tenth of the problem is not knowing what to do with themselves when the grown ups are doing their thing whatever it might be, so give them something to do and have a talk with your sister and then keep trying.