Loving More than One?

Question

This must be a hot topic, as there are over 18,000 questions here pertaining to it.

Put aside your notions of what is "correct" for just a moment, what is dictated as "bad" by society, what is acceptable to others and consider the following...

If we can love two children, perhaps differently as they are different, but surely treat them fairly and it be REAL love...

If we can love both parents, again tho we might enjoy a different relationship with each...

If we can have more than one close friend, and enjoy different things in common...

Then why is it so impossible to imagine that one might have a romatic love for more than one person at the same time? Is love a finite resourse?

Have you ever loved more than one person and felt you DID not have to choose? Especially if single and you had no reason to? Why do people find this so impossible? So offensive? Such an emotional topic?

Sure, chatter among yourselves... I just want to listen in...

DJR - I agree. They certainly WILL be loved in different ways, but that doesn't make it LESS, or impossible. In fact, I wouldn't want to be loved in anything BUT a different way. I'm not like anyone else.

Brittney - I know. It seems it does take MUCH self confidence and security in a relationship NOT to be jealous. I just think we all have enough love to go around. Thanks, thanks for being honest.

ahnikiro... I HAVE been "in love". I'm 49 years old. But like any other kind of love I still say we can be "in love" with more than one at the same time. Being in love with one does not blind us to being in love with another, unless we make that decision. And making it is fine, but I also think NOT making it is fine too, to still remain open to loving someone esle.

sL2050... THANK YOU. It's nice to hear from someone who can think about it as a possibility. I think we don't want to think we are somehow Less and that if one who loves us loves someone else we must not be enough. Well, no one can be all things to all people. There will always be another somewhere who can offer what I can't, who offers me something I don't have, who might be of interest in many ways. Thanks for your answer.

KUDOS Julie! Thank you. I don't think marriage is any reason to go "quietly into the night" either, like every other male in the world is now dead. YIKES! I don't think we are built biologically to be monogamous, but only follow society's construct because it's easier than to not. Loving one person does not preclude another, in my book, and loving a 2nd does not take away how I feel about the first. In fact, if the 2nd makes me happy, doesn't the first gain from that? If he REALLY is serious about loving me, about my happiness.

Jess, i do understand. No matter how i (we) may feel we still have to live where most don't agree. It's not for many, most being too insecure, too jealous and not understanding the whole idea. So, i am sorry you had to choose. i'm not even advocating it for anyone else, but only wondering why it isn't more accepted as a valid CHOICE for some. It's a shame to have to choose between when so many of us could be happy loving more, being loved by more, than one.

Yes, Bling, it is complicated and i think that the idea of only having one child, one parent, on friend is absurd, which is why one lover makes no sense to me wither, other than a intimate atmosphere in which to raise children. i don't think i would want to make a family of this lifestyle, but while dating, if love enters with more than one why not? Thanks Bling.

Shangri, i don't see how asking a question is AVOIDING the issue of comittment. In fact, i did speak of this in DATING, so how does that translate to me having 4 husbands and starting a new religion? i am not even speaking of seeking this situation so much, but simply not closing one's mind to the possibility. See, this is how emotional people get over this. They listen with their egos and hear nothing.

wiz, i agree and find it so sad that many cannot trust that they can hold a partner in the face of another person's love.i was once told that seeing mroe than one person requires either absolute open honesty or total secrecy (cheating) and i think it's true.

Thank you Kim, and i see you get my point about love in multiples (whew 4 kids!), and was curious about your final comment. Think of it guys, if you love someone, TRULY love them, would you not be able to admit that their happiness matters? i can't be all things to all people, not even the man i love. But it does not mean i am not enough. If he can find comfort in the arms of a woman who takes nothing from me, and if i don't lose because if it (how could i if he is happier?) and if i know that he adores me, why would i care if he makes love to her? Only out of fear that i will lose him. i think that is at the root of the whole issue. But the second child does not lose the mother upon the birth of the 3rd, and i've no reason to think myself anything but more valuable for accepting his needs, as well as he for accepting mine, for not flipping out if i come to love another man as well.

i just think it a valid choice FOR SOME.

And Jasper... as usual...Thank you. The nail hit on the head by You, of course.

i think we really should be thinking for ourselves, deciding for ourselves and most important knowing ourselves and taking responsibility for what we know.

Thanks to all of you for such insightful answers... now to pick just one...? AGAIN, it's a problem for me to choose, but NOT because they aren't all good...*wink - guess the great Yahoo god would also be mogogamous...

And KIM... you are so right, right to follow your own code and for YOU this is the best choice. i only think we should all be able to make that choice, and i am not talking of sex with strangers but the actual love between two adults. Not a rush of excitement. And granted, we allow that to happen, or we don't, i guess i just don't find anything wrong if ALL involved agree, if all think allowing it is all right. You keep your love to yourself and so it likely won't happen to you in anything more than a passing flirtation, but perhaps if one is married and their spouse cannot provide for their emotional needs they may even come to love someone else. In a dating situation where marriage is not the goal, where we allow a person to influence us, i simply am arguing that it is possible, and not instead of one partner, but in addition to. So many seem to think if it is real, it can't happen twice or with more than one at a time and i just heartily disagree. Acceptance is another thing.

Answer 1

From the moment we begin to become attracted to people of the opposite (or same) sex, we're indundated with what culture and society tell us is the right thing.

If we're brought up in church, we get the bible quoted to us, emphasizing that God meant us to have only one partner for life. Our parents, either by example or teaching, tells "one day you meet that one special person."

Before we're even mature enough to make a decision like this, we have it ingrained in us that to do anything other than dedicate ourselves to one special person is morally or ethically wrong.

This is the main reason there is so much guilt over cheating. Our human nature and our upbringing ar at war with each other. We want to gratify our urges, but we're conflicted about it because of what we've been conditioned to believe is "right" or "wrong."

That sure doesn't stop people from cheating though, does it?

If there were no bible, no imposition of other's concepts of what is "right" forced upon us, no "experts" telling us "this" is bad and "that" is good - if we didn't allow other people to make our moral judgments for us, in other words, if we were freely able to exercise pure free will, our society would not be rigidly monogamistic, there would be far fewer divorces and the tragedy they can leave behind, much less guilt, more happy, fulfilled people.

Absolutely nothing wrong with two people dedicating themselves to each other. This works wonderfully for so many people because they share common beliefs in what love is supposed to be, what is right and wrong, and they are on the same page about their notions of how they want to live their lives.

Of course we can love more than one person. We can be attracted to others at any time in our lives regardless of whether we're married or in a committed relationship or not.

How can there be anything wrong with this if nature or God has given us these feelings? Just because someone else says so doesn't mean that it is - and if we want to let other people make up our minds for us, that's our business, too.

As with every single other relationship issue, honesty and communication are the key.

Sally and Harry may be just fine with an exclusive relationship, know how to resist or deny their tempations, and live perfectly happy lives together.

Mary and Barry may feel differently, be much more liberal in their thinking about the importance of exclusivity, and have worked out their impulses, desires and aims in such a way as to please THEMSELVES, not anyone else.

The world is full of lying, cheating, divorce, anger, hurt, and depression because of the conflict between our natures and our so called "moral" teachings.

Answer 2

It could be due to the fact that so many relationships break up and marriages end. We all love our children, our parents, our friends. To to be in love or to love another person of the opposite sex and see nothing wrong with it. That is why there is cheating and breakups. And some people rather a man or a woman cant just love another with out other things happening in it. LOVE is such a complicated issue.

Answer 3

I think that it is totally possible to love more than one person!! My aunt passed away 3 years ago and my uncle now has a new girlfriend. She is a lovely woman and she reminds me alot of my aunt. He told me that he will always love my aunt no matter what but that he is also in love with his new girlfriend. I think that it is totally okay and acceptable. Youre right if you can love 2 different children why couldnt you love to different people.
I think that people find it so emotional because everyone wants to believe that out there in this world there is ONE person for them! Its hard to choose because they want to be happy and dont want to make the wrong choice and 20 years down the road realize they screwed up. Love is such a fickle topic and I think that it is one of everyones biggest fears. No one wants to be out of love, or not in love, or unhappy in a non loving relationship. I try to keep an open mind about it. I lovemy boyfriend very much, but I do know that I never know what tomorrow may bring and that who knows if we will end up together in the end. I can only hope for that.

Answer 4

I have 4 kids and they always ask which one I love the most. I tell whoever asks that they are the one and they have all figured out I say it to them all, but it points to the issue of someone needing to know they are "the most important" person in the relationship. While siblings understand there's enough love and attention for all four of them, lovers may not. They'd worry about who meant more to you, who was better in bed, who got the most attention from you. I think insecurities would wreck havoc on that type of relationship. Also, it takes so much to keep a relationship a good one, I think trying to keep two lovers happy would be so difficult.

I joke with my husband about this. I tell him I'd love for him to have another wife. She could keep the house in order and I could have more time for the fun stuff...lol. But as far as sex, I wouldn't share him.

EDIT: It's so funny you'd comment on the part about caring how the partner will feel about another lover. I have felt attractions for others and the first thing I think of is...."how would my husband feel if I acted on my attraction". I think I'd be selfish to have sex with another. I seriously doubt it would be better than anything my husband could give me. So not worth hurting him over. So I have my fantasies. I also know it would be lust, because I truly get everything I could ever want from my husband. Except one thing....and that is the feeling you get when you know someone who does NOT know you, finds you intriguing, sexy, beautiful or irresistable. That rush of....WOW....he wants my body....and not because I'm his children's mother, or I make the best cheesecake or he never has to look for clean socks and underwear...LOL...the idea that a man would just look at me and want me is very exciting. But still, not worth hurting my sweet husband. So for me, I keep it separate, a fantasy. And THAT, is true love.

Answer 5

Of course you can love more than one person, even in the same romantic way. The problem with it is that our society equates "loving someone" with "owning" them and jealousy arises. There are many instances of multiple relationships working out, it is called polyamory, but requires honesty among all concerned and everyone allowing each other to express their feelings. This is not an easy thing to do in our society. As long as each understands that someone else is not getting "what belongs to them" is will work out well. Unfortunately, most men are raised to believe the women "they love" are really their possessions.

Answer 6

i believe you can definitely love more than one person. I did for a long time, in fact, and YES i did feel the pressure to choose. American society, which is the society i live in, emphasizes coupling- and loving more than one guy just isn't going to work out in the long run, so eventually i had to make a choice before BOTH guys i love got fed up. There will always be a place in my heart for the other guy, but i had to put my feelings aside. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but i feel it was the fair thing to do.

Answer 7

Love is love

Answer 8

Yeah, I thinks it's more than possible to love more than one person at a time...I definately do.

And no, I refuse to choose...I love way more than two people at a time...you may judge me all you want, I am also married to one of those that I love!

I live in the moment an awful lot...it is exciting, and I really don't want to miss out on the "what- if's?"...I want the why-nots...I will probably pay for it in the end, but God is Forgiving.

So, whatev.....listen in on that for a while...idc

Answer 9

that is a very good question i have wondered the same thing for a long time.. i got put in a state once where i had to choose over two guys and i didnt like it at all and the desicion i made was good but there is a spot still in my heart for the other guy.. yes i can love them both but why cant i see them both?? and when i get around the other guy and just talk my bf gets mad a t me and tells me to come on and he takes me away to TALK about it...life sucks..

Answer 10

the nature of true adult love between a man and a woman involves giving yourself completely to the other body and soul . looking out for them. thinking of them. caring for them and hopefully getting the same in return.
its a table for 2 . no more. you can produce smart arguments for anything ...................thats waht society does these days to dodge avoid the serious questions. like serious questions of commitment etc. now a muslim man can have 4 wives . why? coz women are disposable/ less thana man. So you might be comfortable startinga new religion. a women can have up to 4 husbands. it might catch on