should I tell my girlfriend who is her real father?

Question

here is the issue, My girlfriend never seen her dad even in a picture. Her mam told her that he lives in a different state.but I got to know who is her real father and he lives in the same town. She always tells me that she wants to see and know her father. I want to tell her who is her father but in the same time I don't think I'm the right person to tell her that. I'm afried she whould hate me if she found out that I knew and i did not tell her. she is now 20 years old

please tell me what to do

Answer 1

If I found out my boyfriend kept something like that from me, I would never want to see him again. I would no longer consider him my boy"friend" - he would be my enemy!
Is her father a criminal or something? Do you know for a fact that he will reject her? Why would you take it upon yourself to keep this info from her?
Hope you'll do the right thing.

Answer 2

On the one hand she has the right to know but on the other hand, if he lives in the same town why hasn't he been in touch with her? Is it possible he may not want to know her? If you tell her and she contacts him and he rejects her, are you willing to be there to help her pick up the pieces?

Talk to her about what she thinks might happen if she does meet him. Also ask her what she would do if he doesn't want to know her. She has to be fully prepared. It may be that she's living the fairytale of a happy reunion. That may happen but she also has to be prepared for the worst just in case.

If you feel you're not the right person to tell her, follow your instincts. How did you get to know who he is? Is there someone else who may be a better person to tell her? Is it possible you can talk to her father and ask him if he's willing to meet her? There are too many ifs and there's a chance that she may not be happy with the outcome if you tell her outright. This is something that has to be handled carefully. There are two people involved here, not just your girlfriend.

Answer 3

The only thing i can tell you is that you have to use YOUR best judgment.

Do you have someone you look up to in your life? Someone who is honest and who would never share what you have to talk about? Perhaps get together with them and tell them about this issue... see what a person you trust and respect has to say?

Even your minister might help? Or a church Elder, if you have one?

I don't know what I would do, given the situation.. i'd probably seek advice from people who know me or the girl well.

take care and i hope you get some useful answers here.

Answer 4

Wow, what a tough spot for you to be in!

I am not really sure what is right in your situation, but I think you could repost this question in adoption under parenting and pregnancy. Those people may have better experience to help you make up your mind. Also, why not encourage her to find her dad on her own? He may be looking to reach out to her as well. Your girlfriend is an adult, so she has the right to search out her bio dad if she chooses to do so. If I was her friend I would tell her to go look for him on her own, with the internet it is much easier these days to find lost family members. I'm not sure why you know who her dad is and she doesn't, or how she would feel knowing you knew or not since I have never been in that position. If she finds him on her own soon then problem solved I guess, so maybe you can help her in her search. I would also encourage her to get the truth from her mom, even talking to her mom if you need to by letting mom know the tough spot you are in. I am sure mom knows this day has been coming and she could not avoid it forever, and talking to her may be the sign she need that it is time to tell her daughter the truth.

I am adopted along with my three sibs. We all have had different views on finding and keeping touch with our birth parents so I don't think there is only one way to feel about things. My one sister sister found her birth mom and the rest of her bio family, but has little contact other then cards and occasional letters, it is what works for her. I have no interest in knowing my bio family at this time, but have not ruled it out for the future. My brother and youngest sister have said they both have zero interest in finding their birth families at all.

My best advice would be to stand by her during an emotional process, because it may be a very hard thing for her to do. She may not like what she finds out at all, her dad may be a bum and a jerk who does not want to see her or be a drug addict or a criminal. He may have a new family and other children, so whatever her dad is like it might be very hard to deal with. I don't like secrets though, so maybe tell her what you know and why you know it instead of keeping secrets even longer. Depending on how long you have known this, your girlfriend may understand why it took you so long to make up your mind to tell her what you have found out. She must know neither you or her family wants to see her get hurt. There may be some very good reasons her family kept the truth from her for so long. Her dad may have been a bad influence to be around when growing up, but she is a grown up now and is better prepared to handle her own life and history. She has a right to know her who her father is even if he is not willing to have a relationship or the truth hurts her. She may need your support in dealing with some painful truths, but it IS her history for better or worse and hiding it won't make it easier in the long run.

Hope this helps you some.
Good luck

Answer 5

Uh, you are her boyfriend. Tell her. BUT DON'T TELL her if you aren't 100% sure. That would be really mean to mislead her - even accidentally.

If I were you, I would confront her mother ALONE and tell her mother that you know that your girlfriend's father is really (fill in his name here). Tell her mother that if she doesn't tell her daughter who her father is that you will. At that point, her mother will probably admit that he is the father - then you have the 100% accuracy you need to tell your girlfriend the truth (if her mother doesn't do it).

Answer 6

She has a right to know who her father is BUT make sure you have the truth no just gossip that might turn out to be wrong.
You can do much damage by saying something unless you are absolutely sure of your facts.

Answer 7

tell her that you think you know who and where he is... but after Christmas... you don't want to dig up emotions between her and her mother before Christmas.

I would have given anything to have met my real father. I only met his family in the past few years, they are great and wonderful... but I won't ever get to meet my father because he passed away about 10 years before I found them. My mother never knew how to get in touch with him... and only after he died did we find out I had siblings...I think it's the worst thing in the world not knowing where you come from... so please give her the information, it's up to her if she wants to pursue it... be supportive as best you can... but please be sure that you know that it is her father before you tell her... even if it means confronting her mother to verify.

Answer 8

I agree she deserves to know who her father is. If you are 100% positive of who it is, I think you should leave/send her an anonymous note. Make sure you type it. You don't want her recognising your hand writing! Maybe leave it until at least a few days after Christmas. You don't want her having a family upheaval at Christmas time.
Good luck with it.

Answer 9

yes, she has a right to know, but your not in that right to tell her.
her mother must have a reason for not telling her daughter. if you really want her to find out, try and convince her father or mother.

Answer 10

If she wants to know you should tell her. She isn't a little kid anymore she can decide for herself whether she wants to meet her father or not.