Christmas question about kids and parenting?

Question

Ok I will make this as brief as possible. i am the step dad in our situation and have no kids of my own. My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half and she has three children 7,5,and 1. In the year and a half that we have been together I have been the childrens dad and that is what they call me. Their Father/sperm donor has had contact with them a total of maybe eight times never for more than an overnight. They have been acting worse for some reason these last few weeks and for some reason it has continued to go downhill. Their father told them that if they continued to act this way that santa would skip them and they would have no christmas at all this year. (spare me your beliefs on santa I am an adult they are children) Both me and their mother have been telling them the same thing but i thought it really was more of a motivation thing. I still went out and spent a few hundred on gifts and now their father says skip it and their mother says its up to me.

Answer 1

The mistake here is in a lack of solidarity amongst the parents. All in all, if sperm doner isn't around regularly, he really has no business making threats that involve the cooperation of all without discussing it with the parents first. I suspect your wife feels like she's in the middle between you and her ex, which is why she isn't offering an opinion (but she really should stand up for what she thinks is best for her kids). So, unfortunately, this decision ( which should have been made by all three of you) is now solely in your lap. The children have already been told that they are not going to get gifts from Santa if they don't straighten up. So - - If they continue behaving in those ways, and they get presents, then any parents who told them they wouldn't are now liars. This makes your word, your threats, your decisions hold less value for them. They won't care as much about what you have to say about anything. On the other hand, you must evaluate how bad their behaviour actually is...is it worth not getting Christmas gifts? Have they been disciplined in other ways, and consistently, for these negative behaviours? Perhaps the three of you could consider telling them that you have re-evaluated these behaviours, talked it over with Santa, and decided that they will be punished with some other discipline instead of not getting their presents. In the Spirit of Christmas you know. This is a tough situation! My thoughts, from parent to parent, are with you. Good Luck!

Peace.

Answer 2

Kids get wild this time of year. Its just a fact of life. There are parties and candy and tons of exciting things going on in school. There are secrets and cookie baking and decorations going on at home. There are specials and movies and all kinds of great shows on TV....Too much sugar, too much excitement, too much of too much...

All you can do it tackle each problem as it comes along. Discipline as needed keeping everything short and simple. Watch their diet...keeping the sugar and pop to a minimum and maintain strict bedtimes and schedules. These are the best weapons any parent can have during the holiday season when you have young children. One final word of advise: Never Ever make a threat you won't follow through on.

If you decide to go a head with your christmas, which I hope you do...follow my advise for next year and maybe a better threat would be if your bad Santa will keep a toy and give it to someone else every day that you misbehave from Dec 15 to Christmas.....then hide and save the toy for a birthday or other event.

FYI My middle daughter has been a real pain this month. She is expecting a cell phone. It was under the tree and she knew it was there (helps when you have two sisters). She was AWFUL the other day and I removed it from under the tree and hid it. She noticed it's absence...and has been an ANGEL since. I still have not decided to return the gift to the tree. We'll see what happens tomorrow! Good luck & Happy Christmas.

Answer 3

I think that you need to find another form of punishment for the children... taking away CHRISTMAS is not the way to go. Christmas is not about what you get as far as gifts, its about the time spent together as a family, the love shared between you and making memories that will last a life time.

As far as the kids getting in trouble they are young and kids will be kids. I myself have an almost 4 year old and a 2 year old... I know how they can be sometimes, but its up to us as parent to show them right or wrong.. (Like you said, you are their "Father"... their real dad is never around from what it seems... dont let him dictate how you and your soon to be wife run your household.)

The baby is only one.. I doubt he or she is into that much trouble... if he or she is acting up or getting into things and what not, try introducing time outs... But not long ones, they dont have a very long attention spand and after 30-60 seconds of time out they are going to forget what on earth it was they did!

And maybe for the 5 and 7 year old you can start a marble jar or something along those lines... For good things they do they get to add a marble for the bad things they do they get marbles taken away... once they get so many marbels they get some cool prize. Maybe money or a trip to the toy store to pick something out... whatever they might be into.

Anyway, I hope that helps. Have a Merry Christmas!!

Answer 4

kids are smart, they know Santa won't skip their house. Parents have been using the line "Santa won't come if..." "You will get coal if.." It never works. HA HA!
I would stay with Christmas and make sure they have a good one.
maybe the kids are acting out because they are getting board with the same daily routine? Maybe you all could do a game night or do something outside as a family?
Before my husband started working we did things as a family every day to every other day then it dwindled to his days off. We started seeing a change in the kids (8, 7,5 yr twins) and we asked them if it was because dad was working and they said no it was because we didn't;t do as much together. Since dad needs to sleep allot (third shift) we have decided to squeeze a few extra quick game nights into the week and so far we have seen a big improvement with the kids.
I bet you anything they are just broad and need a change up.

Answer 5

I can't tell you how many times I've threatened Santa taking gifts back to my children over the past few months. Some times it gets them to behave. Sometimes it doesn't. But......in reality, the kids expect something and I enjoy providing them with these gifts. They couldn't have been that bad! Unless they were arrested or something, I say give them the gifts if that's what you want to do. It doesn't sound like their dad is the up for any "best parent of the year awards" any way! If you are their primary caregiver, who cares what he has to say!

Answer 6

You call this man a sperm donor but you are going to do as he says? He cannot dictate what goes on in your house. You cannot take Christmas away from a child because he was bad. A motivational thing? You cannot make threats to a child that you are not going to keep. The next time you do it to get them to behave they will ignore you. Discipline has to be consistent for it to work.

Answer 7

kids that age (or any other) cannot be corrected with threats. You have to teach and discipline them. Read James Dobson's book Dare to Discipline. I say give them Christmas gifts. If you don't, they will only remember that they were bad and Santa did not come. They will not learn that it is important to behave a specific way. Santa is there to show all boys and girls love, not pick and choose who he loves!

Answer 8

You are in a strange triangle. When kids that age are bad they need to be corrected then and there with acceptable discipline. .Being naughty throughout the day is normal.
At their ages , taking xmas away from them sounds cruel .The sperm donor is probably jealous of your relationship with them and wants to wreck their xmas with you. I say celebrate it and let them wake up with their presents from santa.

Answer 9

I'm sure you live in your own home, in your adult world... and the father/sperm donor does not reside in the same house?

Hon, it's your home, your money and your sense of giving to whomever you like.

Some dumb guy who is too cheap to have a nice christmas for his own kids doesn't have to mess it up for you, or anyone else.

do what pleases you. and stop letting other people influence your decisions.. you have a brain, so use it.

Answer 10

I don't care what you tell your kids, you always, always make sure they have a great Christmas!

Christmas isn't about what they get, it's about what we can give them, the memories we can make for them. My kids can be total heathens, but I would never ruin their Christmas over it. It's just a special time when your family is the focus and making those memories that last a lifetime is the goal.