Do you feel guilty when you have to yell at your kids for not obeying you?

Question

I have a 12 year old daughter. I don't hit my kids or mistreat them in any way. I probably and too nice to them. Every now and then she becomes a little rebellious and disobeys me. I asked her to pick up a few items she left out before going o bed. She refused and would not do it. I asked her again more sternly and then gave her a final warning. Still she refused. So I intentially raised my voice in a loud fashion changed my epression and demanded that she do it (I think my "yelling" would have waked the dead). She got up and put it away. I then let her calm down a bit and sent her and her brother to bed. I heard her sniffling in her room. I was so tempted to go in and console her, but I felt doing so would negate my authority in her eyes and lose credibility.

She is a good kid. I just feel bad I have to do this. But it was the right thing to do right?

I know that what this really is, is the beginning of her need for independence as a teenager, but it so tough.

Answer 1

It is not your job to be her friend. Its your job to be her mom.

If you don't correct her, the world will when she is older.

Don't feel bad for loving your child and being a parent.

Answer 2

Well, if she obeys you after just raising your voice...get down on your knees and thank god...you have a good kid!! I have two teen girls with a third on almost there....and the screaming that goes on in our house sometimes would wake the dead!!

Being a parent is hard, and the older they get the harder the job. You have to be in control and aware of everything from the people they call friends to their classes at school to what they do at activities...the older they get the more involved you need to be, not less.

Sure, you don't want to yell at her. I didn't have kids just to yell at them either, but you gotta do the job to make them strong, independent and responsible adults. I can't wait til they are on their own and they understand why I yelled. I know we'll be the best of friends then...because no matter how mad I get or how much I yell my girls know that I love them. And no matter what happens I always will. I don't always like what they do or the choices they make, but that will never change my love for them. As long as your kids know that...it's all good in the long run.

Answer 3

Parenting is not for cowards. Any child worth their salt will test the boundries from time to time. That said...if you desire to teach her that it is ok to yell when she is not getting her way, or that it is the proper way do deal with her children someday then you are on the right track.

You already know that you chose the wrong method to deal with the situation or you would not be asking us if it was the right thing to do.

Pre-teens and teens have so many things going on within their bodies and minds, emotions they don't even know how to express, let alone deal with that sometimes you need to just give them some slack. Don't you ever have a time when you leave a chore for later? or wish you could? I know I do.

Consider reaching a compromise - agree that she will not leave her things outside of her room when she goes to bed and that because she is expected to honor your wishes in your familiy's home she must also leave her room clean before leaving the house.

Then get a basket and retrieve objects left out and put them away. On allowance day withhold a small sum for each item you had to take care of.

Never hesitate to console your children after discipline, they need to be reminded that you do not hate or dislike them. Let them know how important they are to you and that everyone makes mistakes - even you - but that it is your responsibility to teach her as she grows and that you love her too much to abandon that job.

Good luck and God bless you.

Answer 4

My children are much younger than yours, 3 & 5, BUT, giving a holler once in awhile to let them know who's boss, and that you mean what you say, is not a bad thing. You're not beating your child or pushing her around, you're letting her know that she will not walk all over you, which she will try now that she is at that "teen" stage. I remember trying it with my mom, and trust me, it did not work, because she would raise her voice, and I knew who meant business.
When I have to scold my children, or give a holler, I will give them time to calm down (at their age, it tends to be the end of the world) and then explain that although I love them very much, when I say to pick up the "toys" or the mess they made, it would be a whole lot easier to do it, and not push to the point of raised voices.
We all feel guilty about whether or not we are doing things right with our kids, but I believe that sometimes that means the route we are taking, just might be working. Just always remember to explain your actions, especially if they are a little "out of character". I hope I have helped you, and good luck with your daughter. Happy Holidays!!!

Answer 5

Ok I will be honest I am 14 years old and live with my mom. Yes I disobey my mom and talk back. I admit it I should be more obediant but im not. My mom does the same thing you do. And yes I end up crying in my room just like your daughter lol. I just have to say is that you are doing the right thing. As longs as you tell your daughter everyday she will understand. I always fight with my mom but always have our good times. I realize that my mom yells at me for the better because I really should obey my mom. But I realized that it goes all the same for all my friends all teenagers have the same problems. Unfortunetly it will get worse. Just be sure as she gets older to maybe have to start getting into her personal life. Ask about school and the situations. I go to the best school in Massachusetts (private) and already there are drugs and other isssues. Be sure to know of these situations and make it clear to never take drugs or smoke and everything else. Most importantly you need to be close to your daughter. I personally love my mom with all of my heart and im 14 I still have my days to be with her only and to cancel visiting friends. It is probalby better not to let your daughter be over friends houses often. I know people who's daughters would spend weekend after weekend with friends and start to loose the feeling of family. A family who will always be with you of no matter what you do.

Answer 6

Yelling is not discipline.

Discipline means a clear-cut response for actions. For defiance (which is what she exemplified), the consequence should have been severe. If you don't get a handle on this when she's 12, when she is 16, you'll have real problems.

You let her "refuse" twice. You're teaching her that she doesn't have to obey you the first time.

What you could have done was sent her to bed after the first refusal, showing her that her actions have consequences. I guarantee that if you are consistent with your consequences, she will obey you. Yelling at her may have hurt her feelings rather than turning her heart to you.

Answer 7

When I was that age if my mom yelled at me she would always come in and talk to me later. This made me understand that my actions were hurting her feelings, and that she wasn't just yelling to be mean. You should let her know why you yelled at her and discuss these things so she understands better what she did wrong and she can tell you why she did it. Maybe she's yearning for some independence, maybe she has a crush on a boy or is having trouble with friends and she was upset about it and that made her grumpy and resistant to you. Going in to talk to her doesn't make you lose authority, it helps you build your relationship with your daughter. Maybe she wanted to talk to you about it because she felt really bad afterwards, I think you should always do what will preserve your relationship and not your "authority."

Answer 8

Sometimes it may be necesary to raise your voice and let the children know that you are serious. Children will push until they realize that you are serious. I have yelled and I felt bad for the harsh tone . I let them and myself calm before EXPLAINING WHY I YELLED . The trick is to get them do do what you say without having to loose your cool. Just remember that you are a person too and that sometimes it takes a bit more to get them to respond. Hopefully they get the point quickly , but they are kids and learn as they go . Just like you and me. Also the fact that you felt bad just syas that you Love Them and Care.

Answer 9

I work as an admissions counselor for a college in New York and I say don't feel bad for discipline! Kids really want discipline and it hurts them more to not have boundaries enforced. Tell her the old saying, "You'll thank me when you're older." She will

Basically, you have to be a parent first and a friend second. There was an interesting article I read in an interview with Denzel Washington... skip through to his thoughts on parenting.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Rather than answering about yelling, I want to ask about giving warnings. Do giving warnings work? Usually the kids see it as "Oh, I don't have to do it right now because I am going to be asked a few more times before I am actually made to." Don't give warnings. One of the best ways to solve misbehavior problems is to remove the child from the object that is involved in the misbehavior. In the case you described, it would be the things that she hadn't put away. You could say something like "You need to put your things away before you go to bed. You can do it before or after you brush your teeth, it's up to you." If she doesn't put them away before going to bed, go into her room and tell her that since she didn't put her things away she won't be able to use them the next day (or she will need to put them immediately away after using them the next day.) You could also say that she needs to put them away before bed, or you will put them away in (a yucky place where she won't want her stuff, like in a box in the garage with the dog, or on a towel next to the cat littler, or in the middle of her bathroom floor... somewhere that she definitely won't want them to be. What ever you do, enforce it.

The only way you will really negate your authority is when you don't mean what you say. Kids push limits to see what they can actually get away with, and to see if you are going to do what you say you are going to do.

Now, do I feel guilty when I have to yell at my kids? No, I don't, because situations usually don't get to a yelling point unless danger is involved. Best of luck with what ever you decide to do.

Answer 11

Its always something you feel you are wrong in doing, but its something that needs to be done. Children will disobey you further, and possibly grow up with a messed up skew of the world without boundries. Its not wrong to feel guilty. If you want to console your daughter, I suggest the next time it happens to sit her down, and tell her you dont like yelling at her, but you love her and want her to become a responsible teenager, because shes getting older now and if you can trust her to do her responsibilites when she is asked, she will be able to do more adult things as a teen because you will be able trust her.