Darkness falls The Angels weep
We find ourselves bound to his feet
We pray to no avail that happiness will come
But happiness a dream for only the wicked to Succum
Goodness lies within as does happiness that follows
In the end the wicked fall and for them there is no tomorrow
Angels always fly home and God has granted a fate
The wicked must live forever with the demons they create.
2007-12-23 11:34:22 · 9 answers · asked by ? 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
Thank you to those honest and opinionated without the sarcasm and uneccessary brashness...and yes succumb has a"B"...
2007-12-23 12:01:07 · update #1
It's good, keep working on it. And try to be more free form, poems don't have to rhyme, they just have to express an idea or feeling in an eloquent way, so don't worry about the rhyming so much, otherwise it's a good idea and if you keep working it out I think you'll end up with something really good.
2007-12-23 11:47:31 · answer #1 · answered by Daisy Indigo 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK, I will be honest. It really is not good poetry.... a good poem sings and whispers, darting its tiny messages softly around like petals touching soft moss....and a really good poem generally doesn't have to have a rhyme pattern. In fact, modern poetry generally avoids the rhyme patterns as being too sing-song.
This is also an observation. I say this as a published poet myself, and has nothing to do with differences in religious beliefs here, OK? I am really being honest when I tell you that when you have a spiritual or religious message (or any message, for that matter) that you wish to convey poetically, it is best to have a light touch, and to not underestimate the intelligence of your readers. Your poem is much more like a rhyming sermon, and people don't look to poetry for preaching, they look for art.
Think of it this way: a sermon delivers its message on your lap, under your nose, and is unmistakable as to its meaning. Poetry has nuance, subtlety, beauty, emotion that throbs on its breast, and paints a picture that moves the reader to an emotional response that is caused not by anything that is right under one's nose. but which is conveyed to one's heart.
I hope this has been of some help in your quest to become a better writer of poetry, and may your Muse sing in your heart as well!
Blessings,
Lady Morgana )0(
2007-12-24 00:39:34 · answer #2 · answered by Lady Morgana 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Succumb has a "b"
- What darkness
- What angels
- You're saying that noone should ever be happy, 'cos it sounds like it
- no tommorrow - seems preferable to sitting around for eternity
- last line contradicts the 6th line
Poetry's a peculiar thing. Work out what you want to say and imply before you start.
2007-12-23 19:48:43 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
Well, it's very deep, but I like it. It speaks to me of how a person would feel leaving this world without accepting Jesus Christ and His atonement for their sins - demons and darkness for eternity. God bless you!!!
2007-12-23 19:49:28 · answer #4 · answered by Virginia B (John 16:33) 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think that in general it's a very bad idea to post your poetry on the internet and ask people's opinions of it. I have never seen a decent poem in those circumstances.
I think that it would be an even worse idea in this case for you to read your poem aloud and ask for opinions. That fourth line would be a real problem.
2007-12-23 19:37:05 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 2⤋
I like it, blessings to you! :)
2007-12-23 19:52:35 · answer #6 · answered by †ℱαìtℎ7♥ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not even pretending be a question is it. And it's not any good.
2007-12-23 19:37:31 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 3⤋
Is this your poem? If it is I hear a cry for help.
2007-12-23 19:38:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 4⤋
I like it, it's catchy.
2007-12-23 19:37:53 · answer #9 · answered by ♥ﻉ√٥ﺎ 5 · 1⤊ 3⤋