What can I do about my mother?

Question

I am a 24 year old married mother to a boy and a girl. My mother is 44 years old. Ever since I can remember, she has been negative most of the time. When my daughter was born (her first grandchild) she was there and she did make an effort to change. But these days it seems like no matter how many good things I do, the moment I screw up she turns against me. She already isn't speaking to my sister or father and hasn't for a long time. Recently her house was broken into, and I drove all the way from my side of the city (the very end) all the way to her side to be there for her and show my support. As well as help clean up. My daughter had gotten injured enough to take her to the ER where she required stitches, and we didn't get home until 5 AM. My brother had final exams and needed somebody to take him to his testing. I was going to, but couldn't even with an alarm clock from having been at the hospital. That was a week ago and my mom is still angry with me.

I have done so much to try to prove to her that everyone isn't negative, but it seems like no matter what good I do, the one mistake is what she concentrates on. I feel as if her love is extremely conditional. I don't know what else to do. Gas is expensive, and I had been taking my brother to his physical therapy due to his football injury. She doesn't even look at that fact that I was already taking him wherever he needed while she was at work.

How can I stop feeling so sad about this? She has even stated she's cancelling Christmas after knowing I've already done my shopping even though it's not my Holiday.

I feel so blue and I want to write her an email about this, but I'm afraid she might be further angered and use it against me. What can I do?

Answer 1

I am so sorry for you to have a mother like that. My husband's mother is like that. She is always so mean, it's like she has something missing in her heart towards her kids. Your mother also sounds self centered. She didn't take into consideration all that you did for her, your daughter getting hurt because you went and helped her or you being tired from being in the ER. It's all about how she feels and she's going to cancel Christmas to try to draw everyone's attention to the fact that she is mad. I'm sorry to say this but she needs God to change her. People like her never see themselves how they really are. It takes God to lovingly show them. Just pray for her and try not to interact with her unless you have to. You sound like a wonderful daughter that any mother would love to have.

Answer 2

Wow... don't send her this as an e-mail. You need to talk to her and ask if there might be something bothering her. You never know maybe there is something wrong in her world and she is always grumpy just to get the anger out. Just talk to her and get her side of the story. If you can get other people in your family to agree then maybe you can come to a conclusion. It's only for the best tell her. And that you don't want things like this anymore. Be sure to tell her that you love her and that no matter what you go through you always will. End the conversation with that and things are presumed to turnout just fine. Have happy holidays and don't be afraid to invite everyone over to you house now that your mom canceled. And also be aware of the positive things in your life. You have your health and you have two children. Be happy and I hoped you get things solved. Merry Christmas!

Answer 3

I know exactly what you mean, i have a mother exactly as you describe your mother, two of a kind,
I been through a lot of what you are going through, she would make life miserable for every one of us , she even stop talking to her grandchildren at the ages of 10 12 and 14 , because some one said something about them to her, how pathetic is that, when ever me my wife or children felt happy and showed it, she would sulk and stop talking to us, made sure my family chased after her to make up, as if it was my family's fault ,
About 11 years ago , i have had enough and we stopped going to her house , wouldn't telephone her , it was very hard for me and my family at first, but we got use to it, my life has become so much happier no more feeling guilty , no more explaining to do,
in that 11 years she did not even phone her grand children to say hallo , about year a go we went to see her , its not the same any more i don't feel any thing towards her any more , i phoned her last week to say hallo , she would not come to the phone , she has never changed

Answer 4

She sounds a lot like my sister. There isn't a whole lot you can do about the way she chooses to live and waste her life. There is, however, something you can do about how you are responding. Stop trying to make things better that you have no control over. You do not owe your mother the rest of your life. You have to concentrate on your own family. She will eventually come around (she always does, right?) You will have to let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not play her game. If she wants to be a part of your life and family, she will have to abide by YOUR rules. Otherwise, you will have to be the grownup and say goodbye until she decides to change.

Answer 5

1. I do not think that she can cancel Christmas. It is a big, multinational event. No one person has the ability to stop it from happening in only two days.

2. You are an adult with two children of your own. You have to recognize that she does not have to be nice to you any longer. If you want to refuse to see her because she is too negative, that is your right (but wait until after Christmas to tell her, so as not to ruin it for the grandchildren). You do not have to go to her house to show your support or for any other reason. Decide whether you want to continue to do these things even though it means dealing with her negativity or to avoid her, like you would anyone else who made you feel bad.

Answer 6

I know things look bad at the moment, but I have to say she is still and always will be your one and only Mother! you have gone the distance for her, From the sounds of it I would say it is your mother that needs to go chat with a psychologist about her situation. You do not owe her anything. allow her to stand on her own two feet. Once she sees that she needs someone else she will ask for your help. I would limit my contact with her and when she asks you why you don't visit just tell her that you don't want to be hurt by how she acts, talks, etc., to what you do or say. Enough is enough!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!

Answer 7

My mother had the same issue with her mother...when I was 18 (my mom was 42) I asked my mom why she still was trying to get approval from a woman who was incapable of giving it?

My mom was very surprised and then sat and though about it and realized this was true. She, from that point on, did what she felt she should for her mother (which included going and doing her spring and fall cleaning each year) from that point on and didn't expect to get any approval. My grandmother's sharp words got to be less (but never stilled) but they did not connect to my mom at the same level...my mom did what was right for her and let her mother's words fall on deaf ears if they were caustic.

Let go of wanting that approval (slow process I know) and do what you want to do for your mother and the others in your family. You are the one who has to know she made the right choices.

Your mom will probably not change too much...it is harder to change things the older you get but you can change how it affects you. You are doing the best you can and should continue to do so...I bet your brother appreciates the help...I would.

Keep your chin up and your faith inside you. Don't expect more out of your mother than she is capable of giving.

Be true to yourself!

Answer 8

Negate the power she has, the power you're giving her. You have to. It's hard to explain how.

Start by thinking about her as little as possible and don't automatically ask "how high" when she says "jump".

Unplug your phone when you don't want to be disturbed. If she calls you, set the timer for ten minutes and end the call when that timer goes off. Teach her that your time is valuable. Get the point across or you will never get her respect.

Say "no" and stick to it no matter how angry she gets. Hang up on her anger. Walk away from it. Don't let it hold you. Let her have her anger. Let her sit with it, don't let it get you too.

Stop being all things to all people. Let them find their own way once in a while. Let them solve their own problems. I know it sounds "selfish", but unless those people are willing to put themselves out for you, don't put yourself out for them. It's supposed to be a two-way street. If it isn't, stop whatever's coming from your end, you see? If you respect someone who doesn't respect you, cut the respect. If you help someone who never helps you, stop helping. This keeps you from being used and feeling the way you feel now.

You have your own kids, you're the mother now. Time for your own mother to step back and get on with her own things.

Answer 9

you can't control her feelings or her actions...you can only control how you choose to respond to them.

Don't give her the power to reign over your emotions like this anymore. When she's being like this, just say "Ok, that's your choice." and leave her alone until she's ready to get a grip on herself. Walk away, distance yourself, and realize that it's ok for you to be happy even though she is choosing to be unhappy. Realize that just because *she* is having an emotional meltdown, that doesn't mean *your* life must come to a standstill while you wait for her to work through it. it's her problem, not yours. IF you let it be your problem too, you're just reaffirming to her that she has a right to act this way and drag everyone down into the pits with her, which she does not.

best of luck to you. this will probably take a lot of practice on your part. if there are al-anon meetings locally, their help on dealing with codependency and codependent family members can be really helpful even if your mom isn't involved with alcohol. it helped me a lot, that's for sure. but it still took a lot of work...and i still have to work to keep my boundaries healthy.

Answer 10

Mothers are mothers. My mother is a pain in the butt. They worry because the care sometimes it doesn't seem that way but its true. A 24 year old has her freedom especially after having her own kids. Your mom is just looking after you. Just open up to her nicley and tell her that mom i love you but I need my space. I have my own kids and i appreciate your help and sincerity to me and my kids. I am only asking for some space and please no more negativity I enjoy being with you but I just want you to be happy with me I am only human im not perfect, I have worries of mine too