Today is Valentines Day
We are alone in Topanga Canyon
He does not want us here anymore
Feeling as if I did something wrong
Asked to now be taken home
Sitting outside
Hearing the thunder roar
Rain now lightly starts to fall
Not wanting to go inside
Rain falls harder now
Moved under cover
Watching black clouds overhead
Enveloping all around
Darkness continues
Rain slows
Thunder booming
Louder as it goes
My heart is heavy
No feelings of joy
Not even the rains
Can cleanse a tortured soul
Dreams of traveling to the past
When happiness was there
All that is now seen
Are tears in a mirror
The shadow behind is walking away
Listening always
Words they never say
Valentines Day spent alone
2007-12-21 15:05:47 · 8 answers · asked by Sam 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I thank you all for your comments so far.
I am continuing to work on this piece and your comments will be and are a big help for me.
Thank you all,
Sam
2007-12-23 02:04:57 · update #1
I really like it Sam, especially the beginning: it starts really well, because it is about to tell a story and I love poems that tell stories and create situations.
The problem of the end of the poem is that it is more abstract, and it is frustrating because the beginning was so full of concrete and powerful images. Don't give up on this one (you would not, would you?) and work more on the end.
2007-12-22 02:05:37 · answer #1 · answered by Lady Annabella-VInylist 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Michelangelo used to paint with a mirror and it would give him new perspectives. Poetry is the same way. Look at your words, rearrange them, and see if they dont say more about what it is you want to express than the normal flow. It's just like jazz music. You can play the same old chords or you can transform it into something totally new.
TRY THIS ON:
We're alone in Topanga Canyon
Sitting outside
Rain falls harder now
Darkness continues
My heart is heavy
Dreams of traveling to the past
The shadow behind is walking away
He does not want us here anymore
Hearing the thunder roar
Moved under cover
Rain slows
No feelings of joy
When happiness was there
Listening always
Feeling as if I did something wrong
Rain now lightly starts to fall
Watching black clouds overhead
Thunder booming
Not even the rains
All that is now seen
Words they never say
Asked to now be taken home
Not wanting to go inside
Enveloping all around
Louder as it goes
Can cleanse a tortured soul
Are tears in a mirror
Valentines Day spent alone
2007-12-21 15:20:33 · answer #2 · answered by ? 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's a great poem. I would like it to end with 'all that is now seen are tears in a mirror'. I'd leave the last bit out. But, it's still great if you leave it in :) Just my critique.
2007-12-21 15:44:20 · answer #3 · answered by Marguerite 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Poignant, sad and very deeply felt: moving.
The only things that bothers me, is a lack of punctuation and rhyme. Think you need to work on those. Could be very beautiful. Keep working at it.
Wotan
2007-12-21 16:27:07 · answer #4 · answered by Alberich 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Bravo! I like your poem a lot. I can feel your saddness and your pain. Nicely worded and good sensory details.
2007-12-22 04:36:21 · answer #5 · answered by die for poetry 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with M, take out the last stanza. This is really good. TD
2007-12-21 15:54:03 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
...I liked the last stanza...
maybe, as something like:
"Words they never say or could own"
"A Valentines Day spent alone"
2007-12-21 16:10:18 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
hmmm great poem also read some good poem stuff which i have recently found on
http://www.entertainmentvenues.org/poetry.html
2007-12-21 15:16:17 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋