deployed ARMY mans unit and unhappiness w/ it affecting fam. decisions?

Question

My spouse is in iraq for his 15 mos. tour, he has knocked out 5 mos. so far. His unit is a retake of basic again w/ mass punishment, plenty of standing at attn. and bagging sand although there's tons of REAL work to do. my ? is what can i do to ease his stress because he's becoming irrational in choices of how to deal w/ what remaining time he has. He's definitely ets-ing, not extending a single day even though switching to a different unit w/ an addtl. skill he has would help (scored 3 on dlpt in arabic, did well on his pt tests and 0 counseling statements), but he'd rather deal w/ this unit than spend an extra day in the army after all this...it has gotten to the point that he'd rather spend the remaining 16 mos. time on a hardship tour than going back and waiting out the remaining time w/ his family + his sucky unit again. He'd like to try his chances w/ having a better unit and in essence "dump" his family (2 kids + a 4 mos. old he hasn't spent much time w/).

he thinks he has no choice and it's either he stays w/ this unit when deployment is done and will either kill himself or we'll end up divorced b.c. he's so stressed w/ this unit (i was prior service to and it truly is an ate up, chewed up, spat out type of leadership from the top on down). I'm not going to go IG b.c. we all know it causes more probs. and they can only advise. He'll deal w/ them till deployment is over and most likely be fine, but I'm getting a bit tired of being supportive b.c. I feel he's cutting and running when things get tough. He's not like this normally and I can't make it better from so far away. am considering going kbr just to make things closer to normal since his life is like pleasantville. they don't leave the post and life evolves around the unit, dfac, a movie here and there if they aren't doing unnecessary details...anyone dealt w/ a similar situation? what can make it better?

i did yell at him b.c. i was fed up w/ it being all about him. I had a unit that was horrible and never thought of erod-ing my family for a "chance" with a better unit when a tour was finished. He's more of a "woe me" type right now and twisting it into me not caring about him and that's just what he should hear while he's there b.c. I somehow want him to extend +/deal w/ a unit he can't stand. I did neither. Only told him he can't hold me accountable for what the unit is putting him through.

chaplains and IG and FRG are equally worthless and would just turn around and end up causing him more issues. we're talking about a unit here that already lost a soldier to suicide b.c. they were stupid enough to ignore his warning signs. guy was put on suicide watch, had to attend some classes and was given a weapon w/ ammo and just shot himself. they are such morons!

Answer 1

For you own piece of mine you go talk to a professional, I came from a screw up unit during Desert Storm, It stink, he needs counseling,,,,
But you need for you there's nothing you can do except be strong for your kids and yourself. You can't wave a magic wand and change his position, don't let him whine to you, tell him you have enough holding down the home front. You are to far away to relieve his stress he is grown and is going to have to get it together. If he cares about you and the family he do that. If he can't then well we all knew when we signed on that dotted lined that one day we could be in this situation. So for worse he has to take it.
But for you go talk to a professional not a military related necessary but someone. If you need some one drop me a line

Answer 2

Chaplains really aren't worthless and can be a great assest while downrange. As far as the unit -- he doesn't have to stay with them once he redeploys - not sure where that logic is coming from. Many if not most people pcs out of units within 90 days of returning unless he just joined the unit before they left. Of course he can always put in a 4187 requesting a change or speak to branch as well.
Being supportive is the best thing you can do -- prayer, funny letters, books he likes to read, goodies from home, comics, games to send back and forth, letters from the kids, encouraging him to make a difference now in the unit he's in, etc.
I'm not sure why it would be "dumping" the family to switch units? He may be able to at the post you're at or move all of you to the new station -- these are all choices.

Answer 3

Yes, I am hearing you. Honestly I think the army is a completely selfish career and not designed for families, AT ALL. It's all about the serving member. The families get dragged around like baggage and when they are in a strange place their spouse heads off to do his job (which he chose and often loves) while the families have to deal with it. I got a deployment information package and it was all about how it will affect the wives and the kids, how horrible it is, things you can do to "survive". They were acknowleding that for the people left behind it is hell. Even better, we were told not to upset our partners overseas, we were to keep bad news and negativity to ourselves!

I have now told my husband he has to get out of the Army. I have been totally supportive for 20 years but our kids don't really know him and I don't feel married any more. I have been left with two special needs kids to raise on my own and I have sacrificed my life for his.

I'm not sure what the solution is. I think you have to tell him that his career is not working for the whole family. That the family won't survive if he takes off and leaves you behind - again. Tell him you deserve a life and happiness and that you both need to work on finding a solution that works for everyone. You aren't being selfish, it really is an unworkable situation and it's not your fault. He has made certain choices up until now but now he has to choose to keep his family.

As for Chaplains, I've had some great ones but one was a nightmare. We had a family crisis and he ended up reducing me to tears. So I don't blame you not wanting to talk to one. They will just tell you what to do to "stand by your man". Well, why is it always our job??? When does the man start standing by his wife??

Answer 4

Hey, Your husband is going through some normal anxiety here. But, bottom line is that he joined up knowing full well that we are at war. 15 month tours do suck a lot! I have to admit that. However, back in WWII guys tours lasted until the job was finished. Tell him to take some "man pills" and suck it up! Better men than him have made it through the storm and so will he. As far as you . . . well, just support your man 100%. It's hard being half way around the world from the ones you love. But, he is doing a job that he'll be proud of in the years to come. Even if it doesn't seem that way right now. I hope this dose of reality helped out.

Answer 5

You BOTH need to get some sort of counceling done! I really feel for the both of you. Especially with the children involved here! The sad part about this STUPID WAR is that alot of marriages are failing because of all the time away that soldiers are spending from families, and the fact that so often they come home to a divorce, or seperations! Maybe see a deacon to discuss your emotions also. God Bless you both and good luck :)

Answer 6

Tell him to talk to someone like the Chaplin to help with the stress.
As for the mass punishment go up the chain of command until the problem is taken care of.

Answer 7

Tell him 2 register 2 a mental institution 4 3-6months then "HE" will be sent home & retired from army.

Answer 8

This is his problem not yours. Let him sweat it out, I hope he has a marketable skill, if he don't he will be a real bear when he's got to make it in the real world. All you can do is listen and stay as positive as you can. Don't let his attitude control you or your children.

Answer 9

sounds like he is from Ft Campbell

Answer 10

Seriously, I hate the military. Yell at him. It may not be good advice, but that's what I would do.