My son's father is in jail for basically the rest of his life. ( Long story short, he stalked me, assaulted me, and then tried to kill me.) My son has never seen him and my husband has been his daddy since he was an infant. I am not going to lie to my son, but I'm wondering when is the best time to tell a child such a terrible story about his own life. I've thought about it since he was born and still can't decide when to tell him. He's still just a little guy, so I think if I told him now, he would not understand. Due to a court order, there will be NO contact until after my son turns 18. There will be none with me ever. What age should I tell him?
2007-12-21 08:59:02 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
My son is almost five and he is already very comfortable with his "Daddy." My husband has been his daddy since he was less than a year old. My son knows that his daddy isn't his biological dad. I just don't know when to tell him what happened to the other father. Other father is serving year 5 of a 40 year sentence. The state he's serving time in does not have parole.
2007-12-21 09:43:06 · update #1
You may want to talk to a child psychologist about this. I don't honestly know what would be the best way to go about this.
But if it was me in your situation, I would wait until the boy is firmly comfortable with your husband as his father figure. You can tell him that he was born before you married your husband, and that your husband adopted him so that he is his legal father and guardian. That way he'll know that his biological father is out there somewhere, but know that the father that loves him and cares for him is right here where he needs him to be.
When your son turns 17 or so, you can tell him more details about his biological father. By that time, he will hopefully have enough maturity to deal with it, especially if your husband is a strong positive influence on him. Your son may want to contact his biological father. You'll have to deal with that at that time.
2007-12-21 09:07:18 · answer #1 · answered by Ralfcoder 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My husbands father is about in the same boat except his dad didnt go to jail for what he did to his mom. His mom ended up taking him and running. He knew growing up (which I would think would be MUCH easier on the kid) that his real dad chose not to be there. For as to what really happened. you should probably tell him before he is old enough to start figuring it out on his own... 16? I know When I met my husband is wehn he sarted asking a lot more questions and actually wanted to find his dad. BUT his mom thought he was still too young too know details so without her knowledge he had already found his dad and spoke with him before she told him that his dad wanted to kill them BOTH! good luck but its something to deffinatly think about but dont stress
** I will always remind my children that a grandma, grandpa, aunt uncle, father and mother is something earned NOT GIVEN! Just because he helped create the baby doesnt mean he is a dad:) He is your child's biological father and that is IT
2007-12-21 17:39:36 · answer #2 · answered by proud family 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that you should talk to him about it until he is at least 6 or 7 years old. When he is around that age sit him down and say that you have to talk to him about something. Say something along the lines of "Sometimes when grown ups do something that they weren't supposed to, they have to go to a time out and sometimes for a very long time. Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much and I want you to remember that. You have another Daddy that did something wrong and now he is in a time out. Do you have any questions?" Be very comforting because this will be difficult for him if he understands it. Answer his questions but remember to keep it kid friendly. I hope this helps.
Good Luck
2007-12-21 17:15:53 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I had a close male friend in high school who had no idea that he was adopted until he was about 15, and it was earth shattering for him. He never quite got over it. On the other hand, I have friends who have always known and are quite well adjusted. I would recommend that you explain to your son that your husband is not his biological dad, but that he is his dad in every other sense of the word. There are probably some good children's books out there that would help.
2007-12-21 17:08:46 · answer #4 · answered by lilith984 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think the younger you tell him, the better.
He may not understand, but at least it will be something that he grows up knowing about so there will never be a big day when you have to sit down and tell him that the man he thinks is his "real" father isn't, and that his "real" dad is in prison.
Just tell him that Daddy adopted him b/c he loves him so much, and the man who provide the sperm to make him is a bad man who is in jail forever.
2007-12-21 17:08:44 · answer #5 · answered by Shana B 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Knowing Daddy is not the biological father is plenty for now. When he wants more details you can add to his knowledge as he's ready to handle it, a little at a time.
Our son-in-law found out he was adopted when he was 15 and totally flipped out. As you add details, aim for 12 or so for the full story.
2007-12-21 17:57:34 · answer #6 · answered by Patsy A 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i have a similar but not quite so drastic situation....And anytime some oppurtunity comes to mention it in a small way (yet still appropraite) I tell him i don't tell him "the story" but i say liek oh ur othr daddy Jonny is in jail or he had a car like that or something so that he knows that my husbabnd who he calls Dad is only 1. of his dads and so that its not liek a Big deal some day just something he has always known about ya know what i mean
2007-12-21 17:10:17 · answer #7 · answered by Lee's Wife 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
that is ruff You will only be able to tell this yourself when your son is mature enough to know the story I just hope that no one in your family lets the cat out of the bag this kinda happened to my oldest and the younger two found out threw a big mount family member I had to explain why their big sis was just a half and it nearly broke their hearts but they are fine now at the time the other two was 3 and 5 Good LU ck
2007-12-21 17:04:48 · answer #8 · answered by datsleather 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe when he turns 18. By that time he will have, or should have been finished with puberty. Otherwise you could end up having a very rebellious child on your hand because he wasn't old enough to understand.
2007-12-21 17:18:33 · answer #9 · answered by Alwyn C 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that you should consult with a counselor who specializing in dealing with adoptions and other similar situations who can help you with when and how to tell your child and can offer counselling for your child after you tell him to help him deal with the situation. Something like that can be confusing and scary to kids so it helps to have someone who deals with it all the time to help you out and to help your son understand what is going on.
2007-12-21 17:44:45 · answer #10 · answered by princess_dnb 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋