How do I prevent my temper from destroying my relationship?

Question

My fiance and I have been together for over a year and recently became engaged. Lately, all we've been doing is fighting every other day. I don't know what my problem is. He's really a great guy and hasn't done anything to me. Yesterday, one of our arguments became public. I became so upset that I started slapping him in the street and calling him all kinds of names. He never so much as raised his hand to defend himself from me. He just turned around and walked away.

I am really ashamed about the way I treated him and amazed that he still wants to be with me. But I'm really afraid of my temper and that one day, things might get completely out of control. How can I become a wife, much less a mother, with a temper like this?

I need help (I have no health insurance). I don't want to end up pushing my fiance away. I'm totally distraught about everything. I've been praying about it for a while now but it seems as though nothing's changing.

Can someone please offer some advice???

Answer 1

First: Have you apologized to your fiance yet? If not do it now. Not in 10 minutes time, not tonight NOW. (Or at his earliest convenience.)

Next: Stop praying. No one is going to come along and solve this for you. The only person who can solve it is you.


If you want to know why your fiance still wants to be with you ask him, he will tell you.


My guess is that he sees the good in you, and is hoping that he can help you gain control over your emotions.


As I see it there are two things you need to do:

1) work out why it is you are getting so angry. There has to be a reason. It may not be what most would consider a good reason or a logical reason, but there will be a reason there somewhere.

Are you scared of the commitment to marriage?
Do you need to 'test' your fiance's love for you?
Do you find it hard to communicate, and that boils over?
Is this the way that your parents coped, and you learnt it from them?
Is this the opposite from your parents and you are trying to be different?

Whatever it is your reason is unique to you. discovering it and understanding it is key to looking at it rationally and learning to ignore or redirect it.


Secondly, you need to be able to detach yourself from your conversation and see when you are starting to head out of control. You need to then pause and decide if that is really where you want to go. Will that achieve your aims better, or do you need to remain calm.

Ask you fiance to help. Agree on a phrase that he can use to tell you that you are starting to lose control and need to back up and reflect on what you are saying. When he uses it, you must step back, or stop the conversation entirely, or even give yourself a time-out. Whatever you need to do so that you can reflect on why you are getting angry and is it justified. (If you are unsure - no it is not)



What would really help you the most is professional counseling. Unfortunately you say that is not an option. However, sitting and talking with anyone who can stay calm and help you work out your issues rather than blame you for them will help. Your fiance sounds like a good candidate, but you need to still respect him if he says he can't do it with you. This is a tough thing to do for both you and the person helping you.

Stop praying, it is totally useless. Spend that time thinking about your problem and trying to understand and resolve it. And/or learn some calming meditation techniques that can help you stop getting angry in the first place.


Good luck.

Answer 2

You have my sympathy - I am like this and I have without meaning it hurt my wife, family and friends at times. So I can't preach at you.
My problem is when I feel threatened in some way. So the most important thing is to feel loved. In this your fiance may be able to help. If I can take a deep breath when I feel I am getting cross and ask myself why, I can nearly always pass it off and relax. It is when I am surprised that I feel it is very difficult.
Earlier this year when my daughter was planning Christmas she emailed me and a member of the family about arrangements. It committed my wife and I to doing something I didn't want to do and I hit the roof. The problem was that I couldn't do anything as the other person already knew what had been proposed.
I don't know if you have a prayer circle - that helps me. I know who I am going to pray for on each day of the week and who I am going to pray for on each day of the month. When I pray for a person i think about my relationship with them and what I can do for them. This often helps.

Answer 3

He either loves you, or has no sense. I would not put up with this treatment.
Oh, wait...yes I have.
I loved, she loved herself.
You, on the other hand, have already begun by recognizing what's going on.
Look for the common denominator in the fights.
Arguments are sometimes over something else entirely, and hides what's really behind all the anger. For example, stress over money may make a person explode if someone was thoughtless about not calling if they're going to be late.
No connection, but ask yourself, what is REALLY driving the emotion.
Just a thought.

Answer 4

all people that understand elementary psychology will inform you (or could desire to inform you) that anger should not be vented. Violent movements do no longer launch emotions of anger, they gas them and you will prefer to do them extra in many circumstances. There are 2 vital components of coping with anger themes: Sublimation and backbone. Sublimation is remodeling your emotions and impulses into some thing probability loose. maximum psychologists will advise taking on an inventive prepare like portray or song into which you would be able to pour your capability devoid of adverse your self. the potential of arising some thing alluring out of your anger will additionally help advance your recommendations-set in the direction of existence frequently. If paintings or song isn't your situation attempt some like gardening or a small craft. Writing is likewise a great thank you to sublimate anger because it facilitates you to confront the source of your anger in genuine words, which you would be able to then come again to once you have calmed and seem at rationally to objective and hit upon a real answer. the 2d step, which will desire to probably be your first, is resolving the challenge it is arising your anger. once you have a 2d of readability, go returned throughout the time of the challenge little by little until you recognize precisely what it is it is hurting/insulting/angering you and then ponder whether there is something in any respect which you're able to do to repair it. do no longer, decrease than any circumstances, ask your self what somebody else could desire to do approximately it. purely think of roughly what you're able to do. in case you hit upon that there is no longer something which you in my view can do, then distance your self from the source so some distance as you are able to. i do no longer understand what your stance on faith is yet while it is composed of this factor you basically provide the challenge to God.

Answer 5

If I understand what you've written correctly, it sounds as if your rising anger is directly tied to your recent engagement. Most sudden, unexplained anger is tied to unacknowledged feelings of fear or depression. Think about what issues lurk in your past that would cause you to become this way. Do you have a previous failed relationship that has caused you to fear your upcoming marriage? Are you afraid your marriage will end up like your parents' (if theirs was a bad one)? Only you can find the true reason why this new aspect of your relationship frightens you.

Also, you owe your fiancee a deep, heartfelt apology. Tell him what you've written to us; make sure he understands that you do love him and that you recognize your behavior is unacceptable. I also think you should praise him for his self-control -- it takes a very loving, self-confident man to put up with being smacked around in public by a woman.

I will pray that you find the answers.

Answer 6

Trying to push him away to see if he'll stay away or stick with it eh? Sounds to me like you have a keeper if he'll put up with that sort of nonsense.

You need to learn some self control. Even if you are so mad at him that you want to hit him, that's not an option, that's being a spoiled brat.

Try reading some books about self control and controlling your thoughts. Joyce Meyer is good for that kind of stuff (I'm not really into her theology, but her practical advice is solid).

Answer 7

Your relationship is Toxic. You need to break it off and get to know yourself. Then maybe in the distant future you will be ready for a mature relationship. You are not at this time. If you really want counselling but can't afford it check for free places in your area or call Dr.Phil. As redneck as he is he will tell you the truth.

Answer 8

Isa 7:15 Butter and honey shall he eat, that he may know to refuse the evil, and choose righteousness.

This helps me with my anger issues.

Whenever I get upset I use a teaspoon and this mixture does help me to calm down.

Try purified butter and raw honey for optimal results.

Answer 9

I have a real low temper too.

Can't advise you much but just have a cup of hot tea when you're hot.

Answer 10

maybe you really don't want to be with him.
That he walked away is the moral high ground but often women mistake that for weakness or being a carpet.