I don’t think I’ll ever be happy, or physically whole… I just don’t know what to do!?

Question

I apologize for the length of this but I really need to get all this out… I know I’m depressed and in a lot of pain right now but depression can’t negate the reality of my situation…

I’m 26 years old, I need a hip replacement or resurfacing, I fell down the stairs last week because my hip twinged as I went to take the first step down so now both of my knees hurt so very much, I have arthritis in both my knees and my back is getting damaged due to the way that my hip makes me walk. My mother was an abusive alcoholic before she killed herself by gunshot to the head when I was 16. The mental and physical abuse I suffered at her hands has lead to Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, and Anxiety Disorder that causes horrible panic attacks…

I’m afraid that even when I get my hip fixed the residual pain will keep me from being able to function “Normally” and the mental issues will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life… I’ve been told that it is only though my enormous pain tolerance that I am still able to walk at all and that I will be in a wheelchair full time in the next 5 to 8 years.

My father is sorry that he allowed me to be abused but my disabled mother had told him that if he ever tried to divorce him, even though she took me to live 2000 miles away from him, that she would make sure that he never saw me again and that he would go to jail for all sorts of crimes that she could make up against him. She threatened to get him fired from his jobs by telling them that he was stealing.

Whenever she would go off on how he was “Cheating on her” even though they were technically not even “together” she would pull out the gun and wave it around while drunk and on pain pills and hold it to my head and tell me that before she goes to hunt him down and kill him and his “whores” she would make sure to kill me first. (I was 8 years old when she started doing this…)

She would tell me that I had all sorts of medical disorders and take me to doctor after doctor for tests to prove how mentally or physically unstable I was… And when my hip went bad at the age of 10 she specifically made sure they didn’t check my hip and focused on the muscles and on the knee so that they wouldn’t find the hip condition that she knew I was genetically predisposition to get from my father’s side of the family. By the time a nurse finally said “No one ever checked your hip? That should have been the first thing they looked at!” the condition was advanced.

They put a screw in my hip until puberty when the joint fully turned to bone and when they were removing it (Which I found out was all my mother’s idea and that it should have just stayed in there until I had the replacement) there were complications and the screw snapped in half so they had to chip out a huge hole to get the power tool used to remove stripped and broken screws in to the hole and remove the remaining piece.

No one in my family actually believes that I’m either in as much pain as I am in or that my grasp on lucidity is tenuous at best… My aunt and my grandmother, the two that I called upon most for help when I was being abused, conveniently forget the 2 in the morning calls from the closet asking for help because my mother had the gun out again and I was sure that she was going to kill me this time.

Or the midnight calls from a random stranger’s apartment in the complex with my cat in my backpack because she had gone nuts again and if I didn’t run from the house and hide in my secret “Fort” out behind the apartment complex that she would kill my cat like she killed my birds and my hamsters.

My family has actually told me that if I just “think happy thoughts” I won’t be depressed and suicidal anymore and that I am continuing to latch on to these memories and having flashbacks because I am just looking for attention. My multiply suicide attempts are just not talked about and the whole topic is just glossed over…

I’m still required to go back to Tucson for the holidays now that my grandmother and uncle live there even though there is not a single part of Tucson, Oral Valley, or Marana that doesn’t hold horrible memories for me and each Christmas I end up burning and cutting myself in an attempt to stop the feelings from overwhelming me just because I’m out there.

The only reason I can cope with being in Arizona is through self medication and the use of drugs and alcohol.

It takes almost a month after I come home to fully “recover” from the 2 weeks I usually end up spending out there.

This year I don’t have to go but my aunt, the one that I hate because she is manipulative and emotionally abusive, is forcing me to spend x-mas with her because this is the first x-mas back living in the Untied States.

If I had my way I would just sleep through the holidays… But again, that is the combination of the depression and the weather/pressure induced arthritis pain talking.

Oh, and I’m not even going to get in to my emotionally abusive long-term relationship that drained my finances, left me in thousands of dollars in debt, and has caused me to realize that not only can’t you count of family but even the “Family you choose” can’t be depended upon to look out for your best interests…

I have remained single by choice for almost 5 years now…

I have had some non-emotional attachment lovers but I refuse to allow myself to get emotionally involved in anyone until I can get therapy and make sure that I never end up in another codependent relationship ever again!

I have a hard enough time doing paperwork from home and keeping my sanity intact… I can’t handle having a “Real Job” but I don’t have the resources to apply for social security disability… I can’t afford a lawyer or the doctors that need to win my case…

I can’t afford health insurance and even once I get insurance I have had very poor experiences with psychiatry in the past… Even when I had insurance it was still $150.00 for a 15 min session where he wouldn’t listen to all the horrible side effects of the medication he put me on and even after months of horrible anger induced by the pills he refused to listen to me and put me on something else. My other doctor before that put me on Paxil for 6 moths then told me that he couldn’t prescribe them for me anymore and

I had to find another doctor, making me go “cold turkey” off them, almost killing me in the process…

My latest doctor changed insurance and said that he could no longer treat patience that didn’t have insurance and his front desk woman refused to tell me how to wean off the medication and told me that they would not provide me with a referral or ever give me anything in writing or verbally as to how to get off the medication because if the medication is working then why would I stop taking it? Even though I didn’t have a doctor to give me a continuation on my prescription!!!

I had to get in line at 5:00 am with the crack heads and meth addicts at Cook County Free Clinic and stand on my feet for 6 hours being harassed by the homeless three months in a row to get monthly refills of my antidepressant medication.

I finally found a non-state run clinic that got me hooked up with the pharmaceutical company to get my medication mailed to my house for free but the Wellbutrin XL people dropped me with no explanation so I had to go cold turkey off of that with only my Effexor SR to sustain me.

I can’t get pain medication from the clinic so I am stuck downing kidney-damaging quantities of Ibuprofen in an attempt to function.

Everything seems so pointless knowing that even with a million dollars in the bank I can never be “Fixed”. That I will never be healthy enough do what I want to do or have a “Normal” life.

So much of my day is taken up with just coping…

I’m told that I shouldn’t have a hip replacement, due to the expiration date of the hip, until I’m 45 to 50 years old so I have completely lost the “fun and care free” years of my youth.

I can’t work so I can’t save up for retirement so even when I am old and can medically get the help I need I will have no way of paying for my “Golden Years”.

I just don’t know what to do. I just don’t know how I will survive after my father grows old and passes away.

Oh god, now I can’t stop crying…

Life up to this point has been nothing but pain and abuse… my present is abuse free but still filled with pain… and my future only looks like more pain and poverty…

I just don’t know what to do!

p.s. I'm not blaming anyone or avoiding responsibility... I am just telling my story and you can't do that without talking about those involved.

I have tried to get mental help now that I am back in IL but the places I have tried, the universities, the Howard Brown Clinic… They are all overwhelmed with requests for help and I am “on the list” and should they ever have a free space open they will help me… I just keep calling once and a while to make sure that they don’t forget that I am still actively seeking help.

Answer 1

Yikes!!!

What's with all the hateful answers - a woman is pouring her HEART AND SOUL out, and all people can do is call her a Troll?!?!?!?!?

For those who don't know what a Troll IS - see the definition below. Notice that long and MEANINGFUL posts do NOT fall into this description...

This time of year is SUPPOSED to be about CARING, COMPASSION, and SUPPORT - NOT whining and complaining until mommy and daddy buy you a PS3 (or a pair of Uggs, a Webkinz, or whatever MATERIAL POSSESSION you are begging for).

When someone is willing to be THIS honest with a bunch of COMPLETE STRANGERS - then their pain MUST be genuine. While some might say that this is nothing more than "a cry for attention", I see it as the first (and most important) step in seeking help - admitting to yourself (and those around you) that you DO have a problem...

THAT's why it's the first of the 12 steps that you go through with programs such as AA ;););););)

Answer 2

I am quite sorry to hear of your past.

You are a women now and the past though may never fade will only make you a stronger person. Your mother is not around anymore to degrade you or your father. Therefore you should have no fear in going into extreme measures in care of yourself. See all options available with the medical team in easing the pain or rehabilitating your hip/knees. Work closely with them and ask many questions.

I recommend a counselor/therapist you can talk to. You will feel at times its pointless just talkin about your past or what crosses your mind with this total stranger, but their expertise with depression has a way of letting you have control over your life and not letting deperssion control you.

I can say its definetly going to be a rocky road but just when you think its all useless you get surprises in life that just make you think wow i cant believe im finally happy (though i honestly could not have said that back in february of this yr while in a mental institution)

Hopefully you will have the strength for patience to hold on a bit longer.

Answer 3

I feel so much empathy for you! It sounds like you really long for happiness.I had to have hip surgery when I was about 6 or 7 because double phneumonia settled in my socket.There's so much I could say to you,but I don't know where to begin...So I'll just say this...If you really wan't happiness, and health,never stop searching for it,or wanting it.Read every book that you can find,on the subject.Keep a journal,and find a good counselor to talk to.Take the good advice,and don't worry about the bad.Hellen Keller said "Keep your face to the sunshine,and you cannot see the shadows".I'm not sure how you feel about God,but He has been a great friend to me at my darkest times.I know He want's to be there for you,too!I hope that I've helped you in some way,and I wish you the best of luck.You can contact me if you want to,by going to my profile page.May The Force Be With You!

Answer 4

I am sorry to hear of your pain and mental anguish growing up and what you now must be suffering through. I only hope that you are on proper medications and participating in some sort of therapy. Sometimes the best support can come from those who have no stake in your life and can remain completely non-judgmental to your situation. After you have your surgery, all I can say is be as dedicated and resilient to the physical and occupational therapy sessions as you can. Despite what you have been told about being in a wheelchair, you can still live a very normal life. Granted you won't be able to do some things but you will find others to replace them. If you are continuing to have feelings like your opening statement - PLEASE!!! call your local hospital's mental health line. They usually have someone to answer 24/7 and will provide you with resources to get help or arrange for you to go into the hospital for monitoring. Sometimes all it takes is someone who cares and a safe place to sleep - even if it needs to be safety from yourself. If for some reason the hospital doesn't have a facility or hot line like that, call your local police station. They will find a place to keep you safe and help you get there.
I wish I had more to say but it does seem like you are aware of your situation and that you want to be well. Strive for your health to the best it can be to your situation (everyone's measurement of "healthy" is different). Remember, that to achieve "overall health" it includes the mind, body, and spirit not just being free from illness or infection.
Good luck to you and I hope to see more postings from you as you work toward your achievement in healthiness.

Answer 5

Yes it is clear you have had a lot of bad things happen to you in your life however, stop making excuses. Your very lengthly post is filled with how everyone else is wrong and you are the complete victim. Stop thinking of yourself as the victim and go to a professional therapist to sort out your issues...it will take time and hard work but it is better than not doing anything. THe only way things will change is to make it happen and not allow people to walk all over you. As for the surgery don't not do it out of fear of what "might" happen. I had a rough childhood myself, a father who committed suicide, an abuse step father and loads of other not so great stuff, but I got help to get past it and now have a happy functional life and the only reason is I didn't wallow in self pity. I recognized I couldn't change the past but could only come to terms with it and move forward. With proper professional help and a positive attitude from you there is no reason you can't lead a normal, happy life. It is up to you.

Answer 6

Sorry to hear about your horrible life. I have had my share of horrible things happen and I now know that you actually DO need professional help. You simply will not be able to heal yourself on your own, plain and simple. If you live in the city, there are usually a few free or sliding scale professional services. The mental health teams at hospitals can help you find them. Many of them are non-denominational religious groups, and they can be quite good. You don't have to be religious to get help from them. As far as getting your body fixed, you could try Traditional Chinese Medicine or Ayurveda. These two medical systems can sometimes work when nothing else will. Western doctors, by the way, always paint the worst case scenario so that the patient won't sue if things get worse than they expected. Don't assume that you are going to go downhill. You could improve, something that happens all the time. I do think that you need to get your child abuse healed, and it needs to be healed by a professional. Going to any hospital emergency room can get you in touch with a mental health worker who can point you in the right direction. Good luck!

Answer 7

Whew, boy! Wow. It is easier said than done, but try to relax. You sound like you need to talk to a professional about your depression, your life and your pain. If you get the surgery, you will eventually heal and should be better after that. A doctor should be able to tell you what you can expect to go through with the surgery and how long it will take to recuperate. I don't think you should continue to bear all the pain you are experiencing. See if the doctor can recommend a support group for people who are depressed. Sometimes talking to someone who is going through something similar will make you feel like you are not alone. And please PRAY to GOD for direction and read the bible for instructions on how to overcome problems.

Answer 8

no doubt you have had a rough time...but who you are now, and who you will be is not dependant upon your past. You can choose to take full responsibility for your life and you can make it what you want it to be. But you have to give up the past to do so. You so carefully relate and hug the details of the past to your heart, and it is not doing you any good. It was terrible, no doubt about it, but it is also history, it isn't happening now. You CAN let go of all that baggage, you CAN stop it from coloring your life, you CAN be a happy and productive person....and you can learn to do this, there are many ways, ask me if you want to know more.

Answer 9

Don't go to your home town. you don't have to go. I don't know what it is like to be abused like that and still be suffering from it. The pain in your hip is like a reminder of your horrors bringing up horrible emotions. You need help from God and His help is available. What you need is supernatural healing which can be done for you. Joyce meyers was sexually abused by her father the whole time she was growing up and treated horrible. Her ministry has resources that can help you. You need to focus on that God does love you and He did not want you to be abused and He will make it up to you if you trust Him. He will give you a better future.

Answer 10

ur such a poor thing.

but.

the grass is always greener on the other side.

there might me others out there in a worst state than u reading this, dun worry too much. i noe its ez to say, but hard to do. but jus put it all down and dun kip rembering it.. let it flow away.. slowly if u can.. take it as a new start as soon as u get a hip... smth like reborn..

altho im not in a state like urs,, i dun tink i wil ever b hepi too, but i try to take it as i go.. i seriously tink i had depression cos i tried killin myself once and oso kept tinkin of killin myself constantly.. even till now.. but lesser now.. haha... cos im tryin to face the bright side... tellin myself tt other ppl r worst than me yet they keep on living..

good luck and merry xmas... i noe u can get over ur weakness.. since ppl hav new year resolution.. u can make a christmas resolution.. haha..