My relationship with my oldest stepchild is non-exsistant. He is 19, and moved out of our home four months ago because he decided he didn't want to live by any rules. He is now living with his mother (who is also remarried) and she has helped turn him against both his father and myself. There are no rules at her house, he comes and goes as he pleases. My hubby has tried having a few dinners out with him to try and explain our side of things and tell him what will be expected of him if he would like to have a normal relationship with him, and that includes apologizing to me for mistreating me for no reason. The child has rejected his father over and over again and is very rude and disrespectful even though he has done nothing but be there for the kid in every way. Any ideas on what we can do going forward? My hubby is waiting for him to accept responsibility for his actions and to apologize, but I'm afraid that day is never going to come. Thanks for your help!
2007-12-21 05:07:46 · 17 answers · asked by Marina 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
My hubby also wants to discontinue seeing him seperate from me because he feels this only makes it seem like accepts his sons behavior, and he wants his son to know that I am an important part of him. If he keeps us seperate, he gives the child exactly what he wants---me being alienated.
Please, if all you have to say is that I am the stepmom and because of that I need to eat dirt, you can refrain from responding to this. Thanks!
2007-12-21 05:09:44 · update #1
Deeppost, if you believe that lack of respect is a petty issue then you must be about as mature as my stepson!
2007-12-21 05:22:33 · update #2
Remember that he's an adult and may be trying to strech his wings by living with his mom who sets no boundaries. He may expect the same treatment from you and your husband, which I think is not a good idea, as that would mean compromising your rules for him.
I think your husband is absolutely doing the right thing by standing by you and establishing rules. He may come around eventually. Let him be for a while, reduce contact with him if he's disrespectful and you and your husband support each other through this.
2007-12-21 05:14:36 · answer #1 · answered by Tiger by the Tail 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know that this is a big problem. However when there arn't any rules then that's when a young man gets into trouble...
Trouble will happen he's 19 years old and heading right for it.
You said his father' your Husband has always been there for his son. When trouble comes and it will who do you think he will call upon. The young man is in fact a young man.
You are a vey lucky woman to have the Husband that you have.
Please don't let this bother you "TALL" order yes I know Dear.
But when the crap hits the fan and The Jail calls you make the boy wait, If he comes asking for money the answer must be (No)!
Right now he's a 19 year old know it all.... we all were... well most of us!
You're a good mother and a loving wife think about that, Don't do anything after all what does worry do to you?
It makes you sick.
Letting the boy become a man is tought business Just let that happen He has to become a man He now must find out if he is going to be a good man or a rooten one... This young man of yours knows right from wrong you have both tought him that he will remeber that when the time comes. Just don't wait around for it. This almost always takes time. See if his own mother puts up with it for long The step fater will at some point tell the kid to get a full time job Let's see how that goes (LOL) he just might get rid of a free loader. Thanks for your question Dear Have a sweet and loving life.
2007-12-21 05:30:39 · answer #2 · answered by Tony Burke 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would do as your husband suggests. The son will eventually come around after he's learned from his own mistakes. The father knows what values he have and have not instilled in his son and should feel confident that all the things he's going through with him right now will come to pass. I know when I was a teen I did and said things that I now regret. I've apologized for those things now that I realize how it affected my parents and others in my life.
I feel good about admitting and standing up for my mistakes and I'm sure your stepson will to in due time.
Hang in there....being a step parent is not that easy. I've been one and honestly don't want to experience it again. You can't really make the decision because the biological parents have the final say so but because you're married into it you still have to live through the consequences.
Good luck.
2007-12-21 05:41:17 · answer #3 · answered by QuEEn B 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a really tough situation and I hope you can work through it. I think you and your husband need to remain as a team. You should both just keep telling your son that you love him and that he is welcome in your home provided he respects both you and your rules while he is there. I think there will come a day when he will apologize but you have to remember he is only 19. There are many kids out there that age who are very bull headed. It may take a while for him to understand what he needs in life. If might also be a good idea if your husband and his ex wife have a long talk. It would be nice if all four parents could sit down together and discuss the situation like adults. Good luck and hopefully it will work out someday.
2007-12-21 05:14:52 · answer #4 · answered by meltzie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Actually I have been through a very similar situation, and all you really can do (both of you) is just wait for him to come around, however that may be. I mean you cannot force any kind of reasoning or logic into his mind, believe me I've tried. The only real cure for this is wait and hope/pray he comes around to his senses. I am very serious there is really nothing you can do. I have a "bad apple" too, and sometimes you just want to beat the heck out of him but doing so might just make his day and he might just hope you kill him instead. It's a lost cause and all I can do is just hope one day something will happen and change his train of thought. Sorry there isn't some kind of magic saying or action that can revert all this back to normal...
2007-12-21 05:13:33 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
How long have you been in this kids life? Just asking b/c I have been in a relationshipfor 4 years now and when i started his son was 10yrs old. I have had a handful of times when his son felt that i was only his step mom and he can disrespect me whenever he felt like. Thru-out the years, we have gotten along better and the respect has grown. Now that he's 15yrs old...everything now is what I or his father says and thats the end of it. Stand your ground and make it clear that you may not be his biological mother but you are NOT a friend from the street either....you are his step mother and you deserve your respect....I know how tough this is......Good luck
Email me anytime if you'd like.
2007-12-21 05:16:18 · answer #6 · answered by Lady J 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you want things sugar-coated and think that somehow you are different from all the other step-moms who keep doing the same thing and expecting the same results, then keep dreaming.
Stay out of this--it isn't your business. You are part of the problem, not the solution. Your husband and his son will have to work out their issues on their own, and it probably won't ever be pretty.
Divorce is a bad deal that does damage and leaves messy consequences. I don't know why people keep not realizing it, or think that somehow they will be different or immune. Possibly the best you can hope for is that this kid learns from this and takes his time choosing the right wife the first time and commits to his family from then on and doesn't repeat the mistakes his parents have made that have hurt him and got you all to this point.
Sometimes when you make a bunch of wrong decisions, there really isn't a good choice from there forward. Forgiveness is one thing; fixing it is something else altogether.
2007-12-21 05:15:00 · answer #7 · answered by arklatexrat 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I'm sure your stepson is having a good time living with no rules at his mother's house. She is not doing him any favors. He is over 18 and should be responsible for himself. It is good that your husband and you are united in this issue. If your stepson does not want to give you and your husband respect then you should sit him down and have a loving talk, informing him that you will always be there for him and always love him and when he needs you, you will always be there, but you will not condone disrespectful behaviour.
2007-12-21 05:55:39 · answer #8 · answered by snowwillow20 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sounds like a normal 19 year old to me. It really wouldn't matter who is there, thats how I remember being. Maybe you should rethink some of your rules he is an adult. You all must have a meeting of the minds and not just dictate the whole situation, compromise. If you all wait to long he will be out the door and may or may not ever care about seeing you all again. Bottom line you are the step parent and this "kid" hasn't lived with you. He isn't used to your expectations, and then his dad is coming down on him I would presume to defend you which probaly enrages the son. Get down off your horse and eat some dirt and don't allow yourself to be the cause of another father and son who don't talk over petty issues.
2007-12-21 05:19:12 · answer #9 · answered by deeppost 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
At 19, he wants just what his mother is giving him, freedom. He is very young still, and cant see what you are doing for him yet. In time, I promise he will come around and realize that living with you wasn't so bad. Wait till hes married with children, he will be the same kinda parent you are. He might not realize it for a few years, but he will in time. Good Luck.
2007-12-21 05:14:12 · answer #10 · answered by tarie75 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋