Said goodbye to my birth father yesterday, I actually felt relief. But how do I know it was right?

Question

I wrote 2 weeks ago, asking how do you let go. I got some great encouragement and advice, so in order to not have the pain popping up when I least expect it decided I needed to say goodbye. I confront him a bit asking him why he didn't return phone call and that I didn't want one side relationship. He said "you are breaking up," referring to phone. I said "yes, in more than ways than one." Soon after the phone went dead or he hung up, perhaps unable to deal with what I was going to say. Who knows? I called back and left a message about his actions speaking volumes and said good bye telling him that it is best for me and my family to just let go, meaning I would not contact him again and let him be as I am just getting hurt over and over again. But today I feel sad that I had to do this to protect myself from further pain, is this normal? And I worry about hurting him?

I am suprised at some of the responses. This a man that called up my grandma and asked "how do I get rid of my kids?" when he met a knew wife couldn't have kids, he wanted to dump us to foster and adopt others. He does have heart somewhere and it does show through, but just not lately, I had major surgery and he never called. He is not a criminal, but he just doesn't know how to care and give back. And yes, I have forgiven him... I just can't continue to have a one sided relationship. I am not writing him off completely. If he is a an old man or is ill and has no place to go, I have always told him he has a home here, but he does have that ex-wife he moved back in with and no longer seems to need me anyway or want to do much with me anyway right now.

And I really don't feel that sad either, it is just too bad he is so clueless as he is the one losing, not me. In fact , the relief as actually caused more rejoicing..freedom from getting hurt. The only reason that I worry that I hurt him is I am an extremely loving person and I didn't want it to come to this. He lost me once, it was his own choice; this time I am walking out of his life for now, it is my choice. I didn't have contact with this man for 28 years, until I looked him up and found him, so maybe he doesn't really care that much about me in the first place. His good heart only comes out rarely, many times he is cold and thoughtless. I have held on for 14 years, off and on we have had no contact during that time, but we always reconnected due to my reaching out. My arms are getting tired.

Answer 1

It is totally normal to feel this way. Look, you felt relief, and that is a sign for you that it was the right decision. Now you can mourn the end of the relationship. Part of that is coming to terms with the fact that you had to protect yourself by doing this, which you have every right to do.

Good luck x

Answer 2

I was in a similar situation, so I know how hard it can be ending a relationship with a family member. A lot of people have told me that I should continue the relationship, no matter how bad it was (they were abusive), simply because they are family, but I disagreed. I think there are some people that are too destructive to keep in your life, related or not. Unfortunately, there was no way to fix it, so I had to say goodbye to them.

I felt the same sadness and guilt for hurting them that you describe, because it was painful ending a relationship with someone I love, even though I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do.

So, in my opinion, what your going through is normal. It sounds like you're simply grieving the loss of your birth father. The only things I can suggest you to deal with that are to allow yourself to experience your grief, and stick to your decision (assuming you still feel it's the right thing to do). The pain may never leave completely, but it will get better with time.

One last thought: If your guilt causes you to consider letting him back into your life, think about the reasons you ended the relationship in the first place. If, at some point, you have *good reason* to believe your relationship could be repaired, I would try again. But remember that people don't change by "magic", even if they promise they will. Your father will probably always who he is, unless he has strong motivation to change, and is willing to work very hard to do so.

I wish you the best of luck with this and hope things get better for you soon.

Answer 3

Nope, your feeling the pain for the fact that no matter what you most FEEL something for the PRESENCE of his memory in your life. Its that fundemental, you most come to terms with those feelings and emotions that your birth father inspires in you, what you thought saying good bye ends it? HAHAHAHAH sorry, but its just that relaitonships don't end tell ones dead and THATS only possible if theirs no life after death, that all aside, you did a bad thing their, the way you did it, you needed MORE then that. You needed to see him in person and do this, over the phone? YOUR NOT GOING TO GET CLOSURE OUT OF THAT!!!!! What you NEED is answers from him, I don't know the nature of the relaitonship but thats true ACROSS the board for kiddo-parent relaitonships and you just slammed the door on that, anti-productive. You most accept one fundemental thing, you can't kill a relationship, you can't stop feeling for someone whose scared you, then ask yourself what you really need for peace? I can go on and on about this, but in the end you after peace, and only he can give that to you....... I've got an e-mail, don't know how much you take my approach serious, but if you could give me some history about this guy, I might help you SEE what answers you need, but if you continue trying to deny those answers you need, this well get harder and harder to deny..... For your sake thou, I hope I wrong....

Answer 4

I don't know the whole story about your relationship with your birth father.
From what I read in this statement it seems he is not good for you.
You have to follow your heart at all times in a matter like this, if this is right to break away from him, then do it.

Answer 5

You took advice from a person that advised you to get rid of your father instead of advising you of ways you can work on your relationship?