How long do I need to be nice?

Question

My husbands family is crazy. His brother is a lazy good for nothing pig and his mother is a messed up ***** that won't make any effort. My husband knows how I feel but he also knows that I will be polite around them and that if he wants to see them, he can. I don't keep my boys away from them but I also don't make an effort to get them over to see them anymore. Years ago we shared a home with the brother and it was hell...everything was our fault and still is. The father died and we moved in the mother (I never had an issue with that) with us. Things change between her and I right away. Now I was a ***** and could do nothing right. She talked down to me all the time. With both of them after me my anger grew and I started to hate them. Then came the "choose us or the *****". My husband laughed at them and me moved out a short time later. Over the years it has gotten worse. I love my hubby but really, how much longer do I need to be nice to people who can't be nice to me? Please help

I am nice to them. I don't call them names or talk down to them.

Answer 1

if your making an effort to be nice and they arent being nice back to you, what more can you do? youve been being the bigger person but if its going nowhere, maybe they need a dose of their own medicine?

Answer 2

How long? As long as you want your marriage to last, you have to be nice. Life is never a bed of roses. In-laws can be crazy. When I was younger, the first half of my childhood was shattered by my parents' constant quarels coz my mum couldn't get along with his side. However, over the years, as they matured in the love of marriage, they realised that it is all about give and take. Communicate with your husband often, no matter how many times it may end in tears. Once there is communication breakdown, everything crumbles. Be sincerely nice. Practice patience and tolerance. His brother and mum will notice. I don't know if you're Catholic/Christian, but faith helps. Start going to church with your husband and bring the rest of them along eventually if you can. Good luck. Life will be as kind as you will let it be. Remember that always.

Answer 3

You shouldn't have to be nice, just be civil. You don't want the situation to end up like something off of Jerry Springer.
And alot of the answer depends on the ages of your children. If they're older and grown up they can handle a bit of blunt conflict, but if they're still young (under 18) then I'd say stay civil.
Just avoid contact with them and do your best not to put your husband into an awkward situation.

Answer 4

I have a question, are you nice? You sound just mad and anger can keep anyone from acting nice. If you are nice then the problem is with your husband and not his family. He should do a better job of sticking up for his wife. You and your children should come first in his life. It is his place to defend you against harm caused by his family.

Answer 5

Read your question, made my husband move over and I will answer....Because Girl you are singing my story. My husband's brother was a good for nothing drug user who stole anything not nailed down. I of course said something and guess who was the bad guy...ME so after that I kept my mouth shut except to my husband. My husband and I vent to each other but have accepted his parents for what they are and who they are, weither we like it or not. We have alot of issues still but all parties have to be willing to work them out.....Not just one or two. You need to be honest with your husband and he needs to be honest with his family. If you bad mouth my wife in front of me or my sons you will loose the priviledge of seeing us. If you continue to fuel the anomostity then you will continue to see or hear less and less of me. He needs to be the one who stands up and sets things straight. It is not your responsibility to always fight the battle when your warrior just stands by refusing to not get his hands dirty. And for you don't go if you are uncomfortable. You don't have too. You married your husband not his brother and not his mother. THey have their own issues they need to work out, you cannot change their minds and for what ever reason they are still putting energy into negitive thoughts about you. Just seperate your self from the situation and have your husband stand up to the family and handle it.

Answer 6

I personally would have stopped a long time ago. If someone is continually putting me down, I usually try to avoid them. Sometimes I just smile and thank them. Other times I just walk away as if they never said a word. Find excuses not to go visit with them. If they go to your home, you have a couple of options: don't let them in; dish it right back at them; leave or go to your room and lock the door if you must.

Good luck

Answer 7

You have no obligation to be nice to anyone. I'm sure your husband has enough of a brain to see just how badly you're being treated by his family. If he condones such treatment, then he's as bad as they are. You need to distance yourself from all of his family that treat you badly, or you will ultimately snap. If he's willing to support your decision to do so, then all is good, but if not, you may want to consider a separation or even worse. Really it boils down to one question at this point -- who will he choose? Them or you?

Answer 8

I don 't know how old you are but, I think the fake nice thing comes with age- I do not have the patience to be nice to people when they are so terrible to me. I get myself in trouble sometimes.

As important as it is to be nice it is equally important to be able to stand up for yourself. I actually quit my job because of a situation like this.
When someone is doing something that bothers you, they are out right mean to you, they bring you down and so on. You should be able to stand up to that.
I've been told to get a thicker skin. Maybe that is true with you too.
Ok so here is what I would do..I think. I would try to tolerate as much as I can. When things go to far I would disagree with them as simple and as kindly as possible. Watch how they respond. If they are terrible they will probably come back at you with something else. You just have to figure things out to say that are TRUE and are not hateful. Enough to get under their skin. Then hopefully they will see that you aren't going to tolerate their **** anymore.
If that still doesn't work- I would take each of them aside and tell them flat out how it is. That you dont like how they act towards you. Either work it out or agree to disagree and ask them to leave you alone when you're together for the sake of your children.
I hope it works out for you. Its hard when its family.

Answer 9

You don't have to be nice to anyone that doesn't show you respect. From this day forward, do not talk, or see them. When they find out that they no longer will be allowed to get at you, then they will only talk to your husband, and he will I hope get tired of the talk. Completely distance yourself, and if you need keep the kids away, especially if they talk about you to the kids.

Answer 10

Just be polite. Try really hard to have limited contact. Go over there house and don't get involved in conversation that has argumentative facts. Be passive and try to get involved outside of your husband's family. Possibly let your kids and husband go over instead of yourself. Go on holidays and greet and just be pleasant.

Answer 11

that sounds really bad! to me it seems like your husband should step up and tell them to treat you nice. it already looks like he is doing that but maybe sitting down with them and making clear that you are his wife and need to be treated with respect will help. he needs to get that across. they don't have to like you but RESPECT is the least you deserve!
if nothing helps i would end all contact. if your kids want to see them, fine. try not to drag them into the mess (as far as thats possible). otherwise you should try to be the bigger person and when it gets rough keep telling yourself that you are so much smarter and politer and better then them because obviously you know how to handle situations like that gracefully!

honestly, i would try not to have any contact at all.

good luck!