Mothers/Stepmothers advice on young stepdaughter please?

Question

This is getting worse and worse every time she visits. She is a preschooler, very young, and she visits our home often enough that I think she knows we aren't going to just leave her behind.

Here's the problem: She is very attatched to me (future stepmom), too attatched I'm afraid. When the visitation is over I can hardly describe her reaction. I usually do her hair or some type of activity with her to try to delay her freak out. She's figured it out and everytime she looks me dead in the eye and says "I'm not going to my mommy's house." When it's time to go its HORRIBLE. She has the grasp of death on me, she knows I can't drag her around on my leg, she screams and cries and says she won't leave. She won't let her father or me put shoes on her and when we pry her off of me she hides under the dining room table!

We resorted to flat out lying once, I left and her father told her they were going to meet me. We hoped she'd calm down once she saw her mom but it was by far the worst screaming/crying fit ever. Not to mention it felt terrible to lie to her like that. It takes about half an hour for me just to calm her down enough to get her in the car without kicking and screaming.

I've been around over a year which might seem forever to her but its not like I've been spoiling her rotten. I give her attention and do my best for her but this is insanity. We don't speak badly of her mother, nor do we let anyone else. We certainly don't encourage this behavior either. I don't want to make her feel that she isn't welcome here but we can't just keep her, the law doesn't work that way lol. I don't know where this is coming from but I can't even imagine how this makes her mother feel. I love this girl to death but this is a very stressful and an odd situation for me. How do you handle this?! What can I do???

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this and everyone who answered.
Oddly enough I can usually talk to her (mom) about anything but if she's in a bad mood she's paranoid and assumes the worst possible meaning behind everything. If its about this she jumps on the defense quickly with "So you're saying I'm a bad mother?!" that's pretty much the end of the conversation because I know where that's going to end up.
I usually tell her that I can't understand her when she is crying and when she wants to be a big girl and talk I'll listen. It takes time but it works. Her mother was mad because dad didn't drag her out kicking and screaming.
I will definitely ask her father to seek help so we can get to the bottom of this.

Answer 1

For the child to act the way she does, there is obviously something wrong. Either the child's mother is abusive, or something else is going on that even the mother may not know about. If you and her father are suspicious of her mother, then by all means, get child services involved. However, if you know her mother to a loving woman who's doing the best she can as a single parent and has a wonderful relationship with her daughter when you are not around, then something else may be going on. What I suggest is that both of her parents should take her to a child psychologist to get to the root of the problem. Either way, the three of you need to get to the bottom of this.

Answer 2

Young children get very attached to some people, although this situating sounds a little extreme. What does her father think? How is his/your relationship with her mother? If one or both of you can talk to her about it comfortably, then give it a go. However, from personal experience, I know that isn't always possible. Maybe you should ask your step daughter at a calm moment. Tell her that she can always come over, but it isn't OK to throw tantrums like that, and it makes people upset. She is probably just over reacting, as children often do, but someone needs to find ut if everything is OK at her mother's house. Oh and when she has these fits, try ignoring her or just not making a big deal of it. It may just be an attention seeking thing.

Answer 3

Gud tht she's attached to you,but in fact,she shud be acting the other way round.No offence meant,but thts the way children behave.They wud always prefer their own mother over anyone else.
As others said,there indeed seems to be something wrong here. When she's in a good mood,cajole her and ask her as to why she hates going to her mom's place so much.Is she afraid of or angry at something her mother says or does? You and her father shud definitely get to the root of this problem.She might even need psychatric help. Much delay in this case may cause further trouble. Gud Luck !

Answer 4

This could be a warning sign of something very wrong going on at her mother's house. I suggest calling DCFS to look into her mother because that is very unusual behavior.

I've seen this kind of behavior before. Three children (siblings) would cry and throw serious fits when being taken from their grandmother's house back to the house of their birth parents. As it turns out, the father was abusing all of them and the mother had turned a blind eye.

Please investigate the situation at your stepdaughter's mother's house. You could end up saving her life.

Answer 5

Is her mom a good mom?...That would be my question....but yeah I amnot sure why shes doing this ?
Can you talk to her and give her a heads up like ...15 minutes togo.............assure her that everyhthin is ok.....make a good routine out of it when the clock is ticking that way she is prepared fo rthis and is not traumatized

Answer 6

she sound like she want to be with you than her mother,i think the sujection is try to court down the visites, but it's a good thing cause you never sees stepchild likes they stepparentr for anything just take it slow........ hope everything works out for you

Answer 7

apparently, you do not know the root source of her behaviors, and it would probably be in her best interest to take her to her pediatrician (her father can do it, he IS her father after all) for advice and perhaps a referral to therapy.

something is going on which is causing her great emotional distress.

Answer 8

i would wonder why she hasnt bonded with her mother.