What should we do?

Question

My husbands grandmother currently lives near her daughter (my husband's mom), about 2 hours north of us. No one really takes care of her. She has a serious heart problem and needs someone around. I would LOVE for her to move close to us. I am a stay at home mom (so I could see her daily), and I love her like she was my own grandma. I was talking to her tonight and she said she would like to live in our town. I told my husband, and he agreed that we are better to take care of her than anyone else, but he's really worried about starting drama with his family (partly because his mom doesn't like me and would be jealous, and partly because people will be angry about her moving and won't want to help financially since my husbands aunt pays his grandmas mortgage, and she won't like the idea of her moving), and since my husband works for the phone company there is a chance of him being transfered in the future. What should we do? I hate the way the family is treating her now.

people rarely visit her, they treat her like a nuisance. Last week she ran out of her heat medication because no one took her to the pharmacy and she was afraid to drive on the snow.

Answer 1

I see no problem with you inviting her to move near you IF you are willing to commit yourself and your family to the long haul. That means that if you move, she moves with you. That means that if the rest of the family doesn't want to contribute financially, you foot the bill without complaint and without guilting the rest of the family.

I admire your devotion to her, but you need to understand and be realistic about how difficult being a caregiver can be. Do you have time to help her with her medical appointments and grocery shopping? If she becomes unable to care for herself, are you prepared to take care of her personal needs or make some very difficult decisions about her care?

If you are certain that you can make this kind of commitment, that's wonderful. However, if you can't, moving her away from her home only to have to send her back would be very hard on her and would really cause a rift in the family.

Answer 2

It would be much easier if the family all agree on what would be best for your grandma. Perhaps if you can organize a New Year family get together and discuss openly about your grandma well being.

In the discussion you can petition to help take care of her by moving her closer to you or maybe in your home. This way what ever the decision that is made everyone will have to accept it. Meanwhile, if you stay with her for awhile I am sure she would appreciate it.

Your husband family should be bless to have you. Even though your mother in law is not friendly toward you, keep on helping your grandmother. She needs you. God bless

Answer 3

That is complicated. I say your husband gets some backbone and stands up to his mother, that is the first order of business.

Next, maybe talk to the aunt who pays the mortgage, tell her you are concerned about this lady and ask her what she thinks would be a good solution, then give her your solution. Let her know she could rent the house out for a tidy sum too, so she won't be losing.

If there is a real possibility you could get a transfer, can't your husband asked to be passed by because of family obligations? He doesn't sound like he wants to be a part of any solution here, what's his issue?

Someone needs to care for this lady, I think a family discussion with some rules of conduct would be in order. a family mediator would be an answer, that is a non-family member with no interest in the outcome.

I give you credit for trying to help her.

Answer 4

Just remember she is an adult and can make her own decisions. Since the aunt is subsidizing the mortgage, she might be more helpful than you think, it would get her out from under a payment. Talk to her first, and she would have to be moved in with you guys so if you get transferred she goes too.

Are you willing to make that commitment? Then offer it and see if she's willing to take it.

You're a sweetheart to care, but family is tough and you are an "in-law".... just make the offer and tell yourself you did all you can do.

Answer 5

Aks her! She is an adult. Let her know about your concerns and let her help with the decisions. If she sells her current house, then the missing mortgage payments from the aunt won't really matter if she can buy something cheaper where you live or move in with you.

Let her know about the posibility of relocation and make sure she still wants to do it. Of course, he could always turn down the transfer and explain that he has an elderly relative that he needs to take care of.

Answer 6

She obviously needs care. I would do the same. Sometimes it's better for people to just be mad. People can get over anger easily, but death takes time. If anything were to happen to his grandma, you all would never be able to forgive yourselves, especially knowing that it could have been prevented had someone been closer.

Have you ever thought of her actually living with you? She hinted that she would like to be closer..maybe it has more than one meaning.

Follow your heart...you shouldn't care what others think if you are trying to make someones elses life a little easier!

Answer 7

Do it you love her like she was your own grandma, She would like to live in your town, no one really takes care of her. You sould take care of her. Don't thing what the rest of the family thing she deserve someone to take care of her and your the first one own really care.Your husbands aunt pays his grandmas mortgage, and she won't like the idea of her moving so what she deserve someone to take care of her.She has a serious heart problem, what if something sould happen to her and nobody was around. She need someone.

Answer 8

When approaching the family about the possibility of moving her,be sure to have done your research.If you are moving her in with you,let the family know exactly where she is staying in your home,and what your expectations are.Should you chose to move her into an apartment or assisted living or somewhere else,include all the information of the place.Also,let the family know of the possibilities about physician and medical care.Be sure to include any services in your community that she will benefit from.If the family knows of all the possibilities and how it will increase her quality of life,it will be harder for them to say no or pitch a fight.

Answer 9

you need to have a family discussion about your concerns. Frankly, i have to elderly neighbors i see, chat with, and call regularly because no one else seems to do so. One has a family but they are so busy (dtr works 12 hrs every day & has 6 kids at home,son n law works 2 jobs); others kids are all in Calif. she doesn't want to move there. I think its fantastic to want to have her nearer to you if she is willing which she seems to be. Just to stop by & see them, they are very lonely so i think the move to have her closer would be best.

Answer 10

oh my i hate mother in laws well you need to talk to your uhhh aunty in law with your husband and discuss whether your grandma in law will be better off moving in with you because shes living alone she could have a heart attack and no one would be there to help i don't see why your aunty can't still financially support your grandma when shes living with you and as for your mother in law you say she would be jealous well she needs to decide whether an old lady's health is better to care about then her own selfish emotions