PLEASE,if only for the love of God,someone give advice???

Question

please help..
very long story short.
I cut ties with a couple of family members who were habitually,intentionally abusive for many years
I do/have forgiven them,I also learned through the good people here at r&s that forgiving someone doesnt mean you have to continue to associate with that person,or allow yourself to be further abused!!

well,it's been about a year,im just starting to heal emotionally from all the pain these people have caused me
now,out of the blue,I recieve this ridiculous letter
saying'' lets just let bygones be bygones''????WTF???
not even an apology or acknowledgement of all the damage they have done

this letter is just adding insult to injury,by referring to a lifetime of abuse as a ''bygone''
please,advise me on the best way to handle this?
btw..the best desicion I have ever made was to stop associating with them

for the first time in my lfe,I am finally starting to feel like a real human being who is worthy of respect&consideration

thanks!!

please,also post
what do you think of them referring to all they have done as a bygone??
c/mon..not even an apology??

I almost feel as bad now as I did a year ago,before I severed ties!!

THANK-YOU all very very very much!!
you all gave such heartfelt,sincere answers!! I am very gratefull!!

((((hugs to you all))))
happy holidays
and best wishes to everyone!!

btw..I wanted to atleast give everyone thumbs up,but im only a level 1,
argh!

Answer 1

abusers find denial much easier than contrition.

explain to this person - gently if you can - that your life is happier, safer, and better without them. and then explain that since they never brought anything of value into your life, you prefer to continue without them.

then wish them well with their other relationships. and break off contact.

you have solved your own problems. you have no obligations towards those who caused them.

Answer 2

I feel for you, I really do. For one thing, it is so difficult and so brave of you to remove yourself from such a harmful situation. What's sad is that often even after we've come to terms with being hurt, the person who hurt is is still clueless, and the truth is they may never realize or understand what they've done and the pain it has caused. I hope that you can find the strength (and you've proven to be strong already) to accept that they may never change. I would suggest replying with a letter explaining how this complete dismissal of your pain and their abuse only proves the fact that being away from their toxic behavior is the right solution for you.
If it's within your means, I would also suggest moving and finding a way to keep things such as your address out of their reach - to prevent any further letters or visits of the kind that will interfere with your happiness and healing.
You're not doing the wrong thing by protecting yourself - just know that. And its ok to put your foot down. I really hope everything works out for the best. Take care!

Answer 3

Letting "bygones be bygones" is a no-fault expression. It's proper use is in situations where there is no clear resolution of blame - both parties have done something wrong.

From what you've written, it seems that they are looking to re-establish a relationship without admitting guilt or asking for forgiveness. If that's true, this is not the foundation upon which to rebuild a relationship. I would be polite, but not expose myself to further abuse.

Answer 4

Sounds like it's time to send the family a little reality check in the mail. You don't have to be nasty, but you can explain what happened, why you feel the way that you do, and what it would take on their part (if that's even possible) to begin the process of reconciliation.

The problem with a lot of abusers is that they are in denial. They try to justify their abusive behavior, and if that's not working, they manage to deny it altogether. They'll blame you or claim that it wasn't the way you say it was.

In any event, you are absolutely right to feel that this letter is a slap in the face. Don't let it drag you down or make you lose ground in the process of recovery. Hang in there, and know that there are people out here who've never met you but are still proud of you for all your hard work in recovering!

Answer 5

The funny thing is that in another ten or twenty years' time, you might think of the past life as "bygones" yourself. But not now, of course. Be careful. Allowing contact to your relatives too early might be dangerous for your emotional stability. You should not reestablish the contact until you really are sure that you are over it first. And if this takes another ten years, so be it.
It is well possible that the other ones are not really aware of what they did to you. But that is their own concern first. Look forward and heal your own personality.

Answer 6

I'm sorry that you were abused. I don't really understand your question, but I will try to give some advice, because I think this is what you are asking: Should I keep intouch with them..Well like that person said, just because you have forgiven he/she/them, doesn't mean you need/have to do anything with them. If it makes you uncomfortable even thinking of the idea, than I wouldn't. And that letter is ridiculous, if they have caused you a life of pain and harm. Personally, I would not keep intouch with them, who cares if they're family, they act(ed) like wild animals. I hope this helped.

Answer 7

Abusers always consider what they had done as nothing, Im sorry to hear that you had suffered so much if you send me an email and tell me your stary I would try to help you to cope better with this.

You still have to keep yourself away from them for your own sake, in a given case you will need a restraining order, but if they don't show regret for what they did then don't let them get any close to you.

Answer 8

Carry on as you are. You obviously aren't over it as you have reaacted to their crass letter.

The day you can read a letter like that from them, simply shake your head and throw it in the bin, the better for you.

you've acknowled and realised what they have done previously, now move on and don't waste another minute of your life thinking about them. If they were abusive, then they obviously don't think they ever really did anything bad.
You won't get them to change if they are as bad as you say, so don't try. Just ignore them.

Answer 9

Your problem is somewhat similar to mine,so i feel no hesitation in giving you best advice i can keeping my record of history in mind.I had some friends who did harsh stuff to me when i was not prepared and then,like yours, they tried to put all the rubbish on to me as if i was th one who was to be blamed of evrything happend(bygone).I tell you what,this is a very basic of many human's nature to do bad to others and then to satisfy their ownselves,blame the very person for thier actions.This is how they react to thier mischife and act normal.The importnat thing is that you stood upto them, you took measures,how on earth can u carry on a relation with a abusive person?why would they have the liberty of abusing and hurting you and then come clean?no they dont and you should stary from them.You made a right decison,carry on with it.You said you have forgiven them,now i dont know how harsh were these guys to you cuz i totally agree with your friend that forgiving one does not mean you have to associate yourself with him or her.It all about how much did they hurt you and if you forgive them n be friends, are they worth trusting again?can you trust them again?and most important,in these sort of matter you have to be little bit selfish,look at your happiness first,you said you are happy by not talking to these ppl.If you are happy then you should and must not worry about them.stay happy......

Answer 10

i am going through kind of the same thing right now, except i havent been able to stop seeing them (by my choices) i would say, just ignore the letter, dont write one back and dont even let the people know that you got the letter. keep on goig with your life and forget them! i am sorry that this is the only advice i have, but i havent lived out my problem yet so thats all i got. but sometimes its just good to know your not the only one with this problem. that would be great if you had some advice for me on how to stop contact between me and those people in my situation. thanks and hope it goes well!

Answer 11

They may just not realize how bad they were, or they don't want to admit how bad it was.

Whatever the reason, you do what you think is best for you. If not associating with them has worked for you, then you have all the justification you need to continue.

You have to decide for yourself if it is better to reply and tell them just how bad it was and that a non-apology is not acceptable.