what are your thoughts on my situation?

Question

I have been engaged for 2 months, just recently we starting talking about money matters etc......things that we want to discuss before we walk down the aisle....
truth is....
He has a property that is foreclosing, over 32k in credit card debt, credit scores not so great, only 5000.00 cash to contribute to the wedding right now.... He is currently renting a home right now.

I own a condo, have no credit card debt , and 25,000 cash to contribute to our wedding. Since our families are huge we are going to have about 450 guests....

He wanted us to budget about 42,000 for the wedding , but i'm the one contributing the most cash right now. I'm starting to feel a little insecure......
its not fair that he has all this debt carrying over into the marriage. am I going to be responsible for paying off his debts after we marry? I know you should combine finances after marriage, but I'm not exactly feeling good about paying off debts he incurred before i ever came into his life...

the 32K is debt from maintenance costs and construction costs in his property in Texas. He is foreclosing the property because it has lost value drastically and is not selling in this market.

Answer 1

Yes, you get half his debt, and he gets half your assets, so I suggest waiting or looking into a prenup! Either way, you shouldn't marry someone when your uncomfortable with the money situation because this is the number one reason for divorces!

Answer 2

Here is my questions about your debts- Do you have a plan to pay them all off? I you don't you should either get a plan or postpone the wedding.

You need to make sure that he has a good reason for those debts before you marry him- A good reason would be Medical bills, a bad reason would be vacations, and toys and such.

Rather than spending $42,000 on the wedding, Which is completely crazy in the first place- You should use that money to get out of debt.

You can do a nice wedding for 5,000

If you are not feeling good about this, then maybe you should rethink it. The purpose for figuring out the reason for his debt, is so that you can see how responsible he is. If he is not responsible now, he will be less responsible when you get married and then you will have all kinds of problems. Really with that much debt, you should rethink this thing.

Edit**
that being the reason for the debt, may be an ok thing. I still say don't spend so much on the wedding. If he truly was not being irresponsible and just got in a tight spot, then use the money you would invest in the wedding to pay off his debt, so that you can start with a clean slate. Still just be really cautious- just pay attention to how he handles money otherwise and what his attitudes about money are. Make sure you have the same attitudes.

Answer 3

Please be very careful. Though it is obvious you love him, it is very scary to join with someone who has a very hard time with money and is so far in debt.

I would give him an opportunity to solve his debt before entering into marriage. There are many reasons for this, but most of all it is a chance for him to prove that he is responsible enough to become a partner.

A person who is unable or unwilling to manage their affairs can place the entire family into jeopardy. Not only are money matters the leading cause of divorce, the strain and stress that eventually builds between the most dedicated couple is awful.

I have relatives that have similar problems. The money issues were not resolved before the wedding and now it puts a very heavy strain on their relationship. One spouse spends all the money and has begun to lie about where it was obtained and how it was spent.

As a result their credit is ruined, they are not able to have a bank account, ect. The other spouse can manage money fairly well but, sadly, that is not a factor when the spender is able to (with or without permission) access bank accounts.

It is not that the person is bad, but there is a truth that must be faced - especially if there are going to be children involved. One person can bring the entire family into serious debt.

As a young couple you may believe that you will be able to manage the money and pay the bills without his assistance. This sounds like an ideal plan but also usually does not work. The spender usually has a need that is not being met, low self-esteem, or some ther factor that makes them want to acquire things or status. No matter how hard YOU attempt to resolve the issue, the problem will still be there. You may, like my family member, try to put restrictions on the spending and even give him a generous allowance but this will eventually fail and he will attempt to fill the need through other ways (like expensive loans).

The only way to have this matter resolved is give him the opportunity to prove that he can be a positive contributor to the relationship as well as the bank account or for him to receive some sort of intervention or help.

I am very sorry I can not be more positive about this and I do wish you all the luck, but be very sure that he will be responsible.

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Answer 4

Hi.

Wow!! Be very, very careful! If I were you, I would consult a tax attorney prior to getting married. Legally, you are not responsible for his debt prior to marriage.

He certainly seems that he needs a lesson in money management. And is the last of the big spenders in wanting a $42,000 wedding!

Do NOT do the big wedding. 450 people is absolutely ridiculous. Have a small wedding with immediate family only. The last thing you need with a $32,000 credit card debt (him) is to invest $42,000 in a 1-day wedding. That would be about the most stupid thing you could do.

I would definitely get a pre-nuptial agreement.

Answer 5

You are not responsible for his debt pre-marriage. Only while you are married are you responsible (debt incurred during marriage). Also anything you gain in the marriage is usually community property minus stuff like inheritance that may come into the fold later.

And it doesn't look like he has ANY money to contribute. How can he when his net value is in the negative?

Keep things separate or let him get his act together before you marry. If you are concerned about finances now it will become a bigger problem later.

Good Luck!

Answer 6

Its good you are talking about this stuff before your married....

Technically you dont HAVE to combine everything when you get married...but its a good idea.

Its not fair that you should have to pay off all his debt, but when you marry him you will essentially be taking on his debt as well. You may want to talk to a financial advisor about how he can get out of debt the easiest and fastest.

You may want to consider cutting back your wedding budget...believe me going into marriage with less debt (even if it means not having as big of a wedding) will make both of you happier in the long run.

Good luck! I hope you get everything worked out

Answer 7

KiKi:

I wouldn't be rushing down the aisle with this guy. He has a serious problem, and furthermore, he's asking you to join him into getting into another one. You are correct to worry. His debt will follow you both, despite your apparently wise choices. The fact that he wants you to budget 42K for the wedding says to me that he doesn't have limits of any kind.

Do you love your condo? Because that's where you will be forever, assuming he doesn't underwrite it out from under you with his debt. With him on your steller credit...your score will go down the toilet and you will not get the advantageous rates that you would otherwise deserve once you decide to move up to a larger home.

Does he have a gambling problem? What does he have to show for all this debt? Bet he drives a nice car he doesnt' own. Bet he has nice clothes too! How did he woo you? Do you pay?

I have been there, done that and already wore out the tee shirt girlfriend!

Proceed with extreme caution. My robot is saying "Danger Will Robinson, Danger!!!"

Answer 8

That 5K needs to go directly to his credit card balance, today. A person with that much debt has no business spending 40k+ on a party.

Keep in mind that when his foreclosure is complete he will probably owe a deficiency balance to the mortgage company. That will be a judgment and will follow him everywhere he goes. That's another (potentially) large debt he will be incurring soon.

What you really need to do is sit down with a financial counselor, one that knows the laws of your state. Before you plan a wedding, plan on how he is going to get out of this debt and get himself back on track. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for failure- because you already resent him for his debts, it's only going to get worse when you say "I do." It is possible that if you marry, he will automatically have rights to your condo that you bought on your own- and it is also possible that his foreclosure judgment will become attached to that property.

Put the wedding plans on hold for now. You've got bigger fish to fry.

Response to previous poster: declaring bankruptcy does not correct a foreclosure and will not wipe out the judgment. Bankruptcy should be a last resort only, and should be avoided at all costs.

Answer 9

Wow your situation is a very difficult one and the fact that you seeked for help is a good first step in solving it. from my point of view i believe that this man is not a good decision because a huge percent of marriages fail because of money related issues and if he is not financially stable then when will he be? think about the future and if you are up to dealing with all of the money issues. now if you truly love him and if he is worth the hardship then marrying him is a good thing. the problem with this is me not knowing him the way you do because it is easy for me to say don't marry him but what if the poor guy had some hard times and deep inside he is pretty nice. overall if you see him as a man you really love and adore and who is ready for change then go for it! otherwise if he is lazy and in denial quit at once.

Answer 10

as unromantic as this is going to sound, you need to sit down and get legal advice. It sounds harsh, but money is the number 1 reason for divorce, so it's best to sort it out before you get married. My personal advice is to downsize the wedding if possible unless you really want to have a huge wedding. Trust me, once the 24 hours are over, you'll beat yourself up about spending money on things like cake that nobody is going to remember. $40k is a downpayment on a house (or almost a house, depending on where you live)

Answer 11

You need to get out now. Why would you throw away your entire savings on a wedding when he cannot even make his bills. What are you thinking! He is in foreclosure for gods sake. AAAAuuugggh. There are some more serious issues that you need to discuss before you even think about a wedding let alone a wedding budget.