Want to start looking for a bf soon - anyone got any answers to these questions (women only, please)?

Question

Sorry if the questions I'm about to ask seem odd but I'm just looking for a bit of advice. I'm a month off 27 and I've never had a boyfriend or been on a date but I think I'm almost ready to start moving into that area of life. However, I've got a few worries about it, so I'm hoping you can help me out. My questions are these:

1) How do you stop yourself from changing, personality-wise, when you're in a relationship? People always talk about how love changes and transforms you and I don't want to end up losing my own identity or even becoming a bad person as a result (which happened to one of my family).
2) What's the best/quickest way to get over a break-up?
3) Is it trickier to find a man if you're a virgin? I've heard lots of different stories, so I'm confused!

All help will be gratefully accepted but this question is for WOMEN ONLY. Thanks in advance!

Thanks to everyone who's shared their tips with me; it's been really helpful. Except Alexis - for your information, my mum's side of the family are all Christians and the message I got at home was that sex was wrong. And Voyager - no-one asked you for your opinion. How do you ever get women with an attitude like that? Grow up and get a life, you loser!

Answer 1

couldnt resist answering this question a man can answer this better anyway.. 1 love is supposoed to change you to think about others instead of youself. 2 you aks about getting over a break up before youve even started 3 theres no wonder youre a virgin

Answer 2

1) You can't and shouldn't stop yourself from changing. A relationship is not about moulding into another person, but finding out things about yourself that you never knew and growing as a person. You can learn a lot about yourself through other people.

2) There is no best or quickest way to deal with a break up. You just have to do what gets you through at the time. Never start a relationship worrying about breaking up! Just have fun and see where it leads.

3) It's not trickier to find a man if you are a virgin. It shouldn't be an issue. If anything, it will be a bonus.

Just get out there and have fun. Don't think negatively. There's a whole world out there waiting for you - go for it!

xx Emmie

Answer 3

Well, let's see...
1) Don't think that change is always a negative thing. The right person can change you for the better. The biggest thing is: does the person make you feel good about yourself? If the answer is yes, there you go. The right person will bring about positive changes in your life and create room for personal and spiritual growth.
2) There is no quick cure-all. Time is the only true cure, and sometimes that doesn't even do the trick. There are things you can do for the symptoms, but not the disease, if that makes sense. Most of all, get out and do things you enjoy. Meet people, and the time it takes to get over someone will pass more quickly.
3) It probably isn't trickier to find a man, but be careful when you do have sex, because I think a lot of women have a tendency to confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. Sex doesn't always equal love, so don't fall into that trap. It is the emotional and intellectual intimacy that make a long term relationship work, because believe me, when sex gets less hot and heavy, you need a strong base to keep your relationship going.

Hope this helps.

Answer 4

1) How do you stop yourself from changing, personality-wise, when you're in a relationship? People always talk about how love changes and transforms you and I don't want to end up losing my own identity or even becoming a bad person as a result (which happened to one of my family).
-- You don't lose your identity; you change and grow as a result of your relationship. Just remember to spend time with people other than your boyfriend - schedule "girls night out" or visit your parents, go shopping with your siblings, whatever. Spend time apart, because that means coming back together is that much sweeter. Love will change you, but it's for the better! Happiness, caring, affection, the feelings of safety.

2) What's the best/quickest way to get over a break-up?
-- Get rid of everything that person gave you. If they gave you a teddy bear, donate it to a needy child. If there's a song you two had, stop listening to it. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say. It's not easy, but eventually you will forget. Just don't run into another man's arms; that's harmful to both of you.

3) Is it trickier to find a man if you're a virgin? I've heard lots of different stories, so I'm confused!
-- Don't advertise your virginity. No one needs to know your sexual history on the first date, or the second, or the twentieth - unless you're planning on being sexually active. Use protection, be safe, and respect yourself. It may be harder because some men with poor intentions may try to impress you so they can bed a virgin. Just be cautious.

The number one piece of advice I can give you about relationships is resist the temptation to overanalyze. By nitpicking every detail, you lose a lot of the magic, and you can end up ruining your relationship by focusing on things that really aren't important. Enjoy the time you have together and be happy.

Answer 5

1) How do you stop yourself from changing, personality-wise, when you're in a relationship? People always talk about how love changes and transforms you and I don't want to end up losing my own identity or even becoming a bad person as a result (which happened to one of my family).

People who are on their own will grow and change over time. So will people in a relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean you will lose your identity. Keeping your self-identity is about having good boundaries, about taking responsibility for your own actions without necessarily feeling responsible for the actions of the other grown adult in the relationship. I've know people whose personalities dissolved into "US" after getting involved, and I think this is a sign on poor mental health and dysfunctional relationship skills. People with healthy boundaries and a healthy sense of themselves do not devolve from "Me" into just a half of "We".

2) What's the best/quickest way to get over a break-up?

There is no quick fix for mourning a loss. You have to feel your feelings and cope with it. This is another part of life, and as they say, the bad makes the good all the more beautiful, right?

3) Is it trickier to find a man if you're a virgin? I've heard lots of different stories, so I'm confused!

I can't imagine that a mature man who is worth considering for a relationship would really make a big deal about virginity either way. It shouldn't be a huge issue, or an issue at all really, and men are just people - you should expect them to be as reasonable and thoughtful as anyone.

Answer 6

1) You don't change your personality. That is a myth that being in a relationship will change someone for the better or worse. People exhibit behavior that was already within their scope of possibility. Great example - ever know of any one who was able to change an abuser into a non-abuser? I wouldn't worry about this...it sounds like you are old enough to know better.

2) There is no best/quickest way as every one grieves the loss of a relationship differently. It depends on the seriousness of the relationship, if it was "dead" before it ended, etc. There are things you can do to help pass the time while you heal though - being around others, good friends, throwing yourself into a hobby you enjoy, etc. Basically you have to keep your mind busy so that you don't have time to sit and dwell....but the real answer is that it just takes time.

3) This is an impossible question to answer since not all men think alike. Virginity may have an affect on some men and not others. First, I wouldn't start advertising myself as a virgin or non-virgin when you are trying to meet and date men. Let the sex come into play naturally and at its own pace, then you can confide in them about your experience or lack there-of. Biggest thing to keep in mind here is that a GOOD man will be non-judgmental either way...and that they will be respectful of your choices when it comes to sex.

Good luck!

Answer 7

1. You can't and shouldn't stop yourself from changing when you're in a relationship! Everyone that comes into our lives leaves a "fingerprint" somewhere, some are just more or less pronounced than others.

2. There's no tried and true way to "get over" a break up. When any close relationship ends you're going to go through a grieving process, and you need to allow yourself to do that in order to stay healthy. The difference in experiences comes depending on if you have other friends to be there for you and help you through it and how much you allow yourself to wallow or not.

3. If a man is a good man, your being a virgin shouldn't be in his equation.

The thing to remember is that there are absolutely no absolutes when it comes to relationships. There is ancient Indian saying that "once the wheel of love is set in motion there are no rules" (or something to that effect). Just be you and be open, let the rest sort itself out!

Answer 8

If you're going to be changing then it should be for the better. I know I've changed since dating my boyfriend... I've become more responsible and I have learned to deal with my jealousy issues a lot better. Change isn't always a bad thing... Don't think about it or it'll bug you even more, just relax as much as possible and focus on having a good time dating. You don't have to jump into a full-blown relationship right away.

I've found the best way to get over a breakup is to stay busy. Work, go out with friends, read, watch movies. Just don't be alone with nothing to do or you'll start thinking about him again.

Being a virgin shouldn't matter. Honestly, if being a virgin matters THAT much to someone, then don't date them. If they can't live with the fact that you haven't had sex then they aren't worth your time. Seriously, it's who you are and your choice, don't let anybody pressure you into believing that it's a bad thing.

Have fun! =)

Answer 9

maybe you should post a picture on here, i know a guy that is a virgin that is 32, a Christian,he's clean and doesn't smoke or drink in California that can't find anyone and a very loyal but lonely guy that is 30 that has only had 2 relationships. yes you can start taking on their personality traits so the minute you sense something is wrong about them it is time to give them back their i love you coupon. makes no difference if you are a virgin or not but don't tell the wolves because some just look for that and nothing else. to get over breakup you pray.

Answer 10

1 - You can't stop from changing but just because you change doesn't mean that you will lose your identity. You just have to remain independent while in a relationship. Relationships (whether romantic, friendly, or even business) all change you, you just have to do your best to be the kind of person you want to be.
2 - There is no quick remedy for getting over a break up. The best thing to do is just keep yourself busy with lots of activities and let time work its magic.
3 - It really depends... For the right guy, it shouldn't make a difference.

Good luck!

Answer 11

I might be a good thing that you haven't had a bf. Its no big deal that you haven't. I personally don't think that you should go out looking for a bf. You should just go make yourself more available and let him come to you. I don't believe that falling in love will change you. You just have to make sure that you are yourself and that you follow your values and beliefs and that your partner respect all of those. The best way to get over a break-up is to have some alone time with yourself and just think everything out. I dont think that it will be harder to find a man because you are a virgin. I think that guys respect a virgin because they know that you have values and arent willing to just give it up to anyone.