Was the budget spent on my wedding or on decorating their house?

Question

When I got married a few years ago, it was an at-home wedding.

It was in my aunt's house and at Christmas time. I have always admired how she decorated her home.

After the wedding, there were several comments made about how much my wedding cost her and my other aunt.

My husband and I paid for the cake, flowers and rings. The only clothing purchased was my outfit ($35) and my MOH ($50). She choose to purchase an outfit for her daughter to be a bride's maid (without my consent because the 6 year old was jealous).

The second aunt paid for the food. I went shopping with her and kept the cost down ($80).

All the other things (painting her kitchen, wallpaper, stenciling the walls, wall sconces and candles and more floral decorations) was their ideas and she, of course, kept them. There was also more decorations bought for her new 12 ft. Christmas tree.

The total comes to over $1,000. They say that was the cost of my wedding. I say that was the cost of her re-decorating

her home.

(P.S.) My aunts stepped in because they promised after my mother died that they would give me my wedding.

I did not ask all the re-decorating. It was a family only wedding (around15-20 people). None of the flowers, decorations, or even the leftover food came to my house.

I loved my wedding but 7 years later I still hear about how much my wedding cost. Yet, I know for each of their daughters' weddings cost about $2,000 to $5,000. It's not the money ( and I know I am not their daughter so it is not the same). It is the comments that mine cost so much.

Who is right? Was the re-decorating part of the cost of my wedding or was the wedding an excuse to re-decorate?
Can the re-decorating be defined as a legitimate part of the wedding budget?

As to was she intending to re-decorate-yes and no. She wanted to and had been picking out paint and wallpaper samples for a year before I met my husband.

As to why it is still an issue- because it is with the aunts. As recently as this past weekend, one aunt listed all the things they paid for and how much it cost them. The general topic of weddings can not come up without hashing it over again but it is never mentioned how much the other weddings cost them. I feel defensive every time this happens which is about once a month.

Answer 1

Sorry but I doubt you were complaining when she offered the place. I say get over it because not likely you could get a site for that amount. And when you do get sites, they have cost that includes their decorations, etc. They have to repaint, etc every so often and have that as part of their annual operating budget so in long run you would be charged there also.
I say you have hurtful feelings for something else. You did say this was a few years ago. Time to let go.

Ok based on the additional details I think you need to sit down with each or all together, whichever you can handle and say to them what you have said to us. Once you come clean on how you feel it will either force them to drop it or allow you to say you are done talking about this. Ask them what kind of payment system they can set up and possibly that will embarrass them enough that they get the point.

Answer 2

I would try Craig's List. I know it might be nerve racking hiring people you don't know, but that's probably the best place to find cheaper services. I'm getting married next month and I'm ordering the groom's cake from a woman I found on CL. I'm a little nervous, but when you're on a budget there's not much you can do about it. Look for people who are just starting out, they will be cheaper. I'm sure you can find a decently priced photographer and baker in your area on CL. Also, try some DIY activities to save money. My MOH and I are printing the place cards and programs ourselves (if you REALLY want to save money, you can skip those items all together!). You can also make your favors yourself, if you feel you really need favors. A nice picture of the two of you with a typed up thank you can make a really nice favor. As for table arrangements, make them yourselves! Print some 50% off coupons, go Michael's or AC Moore, and buy some glass vases and stones. Add some flowers and you're set! You can certainly make the bouquets yourself as well. Not hard at all! With 100+ guests on a $5000 budget, I don't see how you could possibly have it anywhere other than a friend or relatives backyard. Have it catered by your favorite (reasonably priced) restaurant or BBQ joint. If you definitely want alcohol, supply your own - and stick to wine and beer (MUCH cheaper than liquor!) Many people think this is tacky, but what about a "pot luck" wedding where everyone brings a dish? If you find that tacky, what about just quietly asking a few close relatives to bring something? If 5 guests bring a dessert, that elimates the need for a huge wedding cake.

Answer 3

Personally, I would be pretty ticked off. If this was such a burden to them, they should've not helped you out. The redecorating was their choice not yours. You have three options as I see it: First, you could just decide that you don't want to hear about it anymore and just don't go around any of them again. Second, you could ask them if they want you to pay for the wedding even though it's been years. If they say no, then ask them why they keep bringing it up ALL the time that they are hurting your feelings or making you uncomfortable or whatever. The third option is a little harsh but effective. Get the $1000 together, seperate it into two stacks of $500 ( I would do it in ones just for meanness). Catch them together some time and when they bring it up, slam the money down and tell them that here is their stupid money and to shut up about the wedding that they are acting like it is a burden on them and that you are going to take care of that right now. Then walk off and don't speak to them for a while and see what happens. Honestly, if they have any heart, they won't accept the money. If they accept the money and never say anything else, they are selfish and you don't need them.

Whatever you choose, you really need to speak up or they will never let it go. Trust me. Good luck and God bless!!!

Answer 4

The extra cost was for her to decorate her house. If they bring it up again you should tell them that the amount spent on her home was for her benefit and not for your wedding and you are sick and tired of them saying your wedding costs that much. Mention to them that the only cost put out for your wedding was the $80 spent on food and you and your husband covered the rest of the cost. Tell her that you did not request the redecorating of her home or the extra decorating for her tree and since those things benefitted her only they are not part of the wedding cost. Tell her if she wants you to pay her the $1,000 and take the paint, wallpaper, candles, etc. you'd be happy to do so, so that this can be put to rest and that otherwise you would prefer they shut up about it and quit saying it was for your wedding.

Answer 5

This has gone on too long and too often. I completely understand being kind and keeping your mouth shut but I bet if you really stood up for yourself once they would be shocked into being silenced. The truth of the matter is she was picking out stuff a YEAR before you met your husband. Remind her of it sternly, with a steady voice and a smile. Don't make a big show of it, don't do it in front of everyone but do it ONCE in front of th aunts when they bring it up and do it to count! Mean it! The money was NOT for your wedding it was for HER HOUSE and she knows it. I cannot believe she is still going on about this, it is disgusting. Or like it has been said, save it and pay it back, they will feel ssssoooo bad, I'm pretty sure.

I hope this ends soon, I'm sorry you have been putting up with it for so long.

Answer 6

Well, after so long, I say its a moot point. A thousand dollars is still a steal for the cost of a wedding and reception, no matter who you ask, or who got what out of it.

I DO agree with you that maybe the house owner should have paid for the decorations, but at the same time, it made YOUR venue that much prettier, so there you go. At least the decorations were usable after the event...unlike a rental hall where everything goes in the garbage bins.

Answer 7

How about this. My wedding cost $1000. $165 for our stuff and $835 for your home redecorating.

Consider asking why they keep griping about it and bringing it up. If they were so unhappy about redecorating their home, why didn't they say anything? Basically, put them in their place once and it may never come up again. There is no reason for them to forever gnaw on you about it. I would also reconsider visiting such mean spirited folks so often.

Answer 8

What does it matter now?

EDIT: Okay, now that you point out that the aunts still bring it up, I can see your frustration. I would be highly irritated too. I would politely tell them the next time that you appreciated their stepping in when your mom couldn't be there to help you with the wedding, but that it was seven years ago . If they didn't want to spend that much money, then they shouldn't have, but there is nothing you or they can do about it now, and it is time for all of you to move on.

They made the decision to spend (a whopping) $1000 on your wedding and now they have to deal with it. They can't bemoan the fact every time they see you.

Answer 9

You may not want to hear this, but maybe the best thing to do at this point is save up the $$ and give it back to them. Don't tell them you're saving until you have it all and then just give it back. Tell them you were tired of hearing them complain about how much it cost them so you figured you would just give them what they spent. Tell them that you thought they offered to help because they really wanted to help, and that you never asked them to "redecorate" the house for you wedding. Make them feel bad for how they have made you feel.

That's the only suggestion I can give that will allow for them to feel bad for making you feel like crap about something they offered to do. I have never heard of someone complaining about offering to help pay for a wedding that was only $1,000!!! Mine was $30,000 - they should feel grateful you thought of them to try and keep costs down.

Have you ever talked to them and asked them why they keep rubbing it in your face? You should if you haven't.

Answer 10

If you spent money on the candles, Christmas ornaments, and floral decorations, I believe you should have kept them. If they paid for them, then why would you ask for them? And the paint used for her kitchen, the wallpaper, stenciling the walls, etc, I think that should be part of your wedding cost and your aunt shouldn't have to pay you back. After all, she did let you borrow her house. Did she ask you for rental money? I guess not.