Mom Won't Talk to Me Because I was Molested by Her Husband?

Question

Years ago, the man my mom was married to molested me. It was more like rape really. I was 11 years old. After I told my grandma what happened, my stepdad went to jail for this. My mom said I put her husband in jail.

My mom blamed me for what happened and for years we can't talk to eachother. I have tried to reach out but it is noticably strained. She told me she feels bad about not being a good mother to me and my brother.

But I am now 25- and it is still the same way. My mom has gone down a path of drug abuse and we still can't talk.

Any sugestions? I love my mom and wish we had a relationship.

No she believed me and it did happen. We went to court and he was offered a plea bargain. But I think she's mad it did happen to her like this.

Answer 1

First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am for what happened to you and for your Mom not stepping up and being the Mom that you needed.
It sounds like to me that your Mom has had some hard knocks in life, but so have you. It also sounds like your Mom is so worried about herself and how things affected her and feeling sorry for herself, that she wasn't there for her child and still isn't.
Now the drug abuse. As you probably already know, drug addicts don't care about anything, including themselves, except drugs.
At least for now and maybe permanently, you need to write her out of your life. I know it hurts but you may have to realize that she loves you as much as she is capable of, which may not be enough for you and that she may never can be the Mother you need her to be.
I'm sorry but it sounds like you are a strong person and you can do it. Hold your head up and keep moving forward.

Answer 2

Hi

I do believe that your mum has some wires crossed as a result of the blows that life has dealt out to her. She put her trust in a man that abused it and suffers over her lack of duty in the protection of her children and rather than succeeding to overcome these hurdles she is trying to block out her troubles with oblivion i.e. drugs.

We do not live in an ideal world and horrible things happen to us that are way beyond our control, and as an 11 year old girl you were most definitely not in any way at fault.

You have been unlucky sweetheart, and unfortunate to be in a situation where your mum has frozen her feelings so as not to get hurt again.

All you can do is carry on reaching out to her with the love that you feel for her, and hopefully little by little she will see what a wonderful daughter you could be to her.

Mums come in all shapes and sizes and with lots of issues of their own, we cannot chose our mums so have to try to work with the one that we have, and just wishing they were different does not work.

Start out slowly, sending cards or notes to her would be a good way to show her that she is in your thoughts. Then phone just to say hi. Then you could call round to see her, but stay for only a little while. Things will be strained because of your situation but hopefully if you continue to show you car then you may have a chance of becoming a little closer as time goes by.

Answer 3

I am so sorry for you! At 11, you didn't know what sex was. The blame belongs completely on your stepdad.
It sounds like your mom hasn't dealt with this through counseling or any kind of therapy (strained relationship after 14 years, guilt for not being a better parent and drug abuse).
Maybe you could invite your spiritual adviser to help you approach your mom with this issue (you do have hope; your mom feels guilt for what happened, and you love her).

Answer 4

Your case in very unique in the fact that most do not go to prison. And more often then not the mother blames the child for the attack and distances herself from the child choosing to take the molesters side. I am sorry that you are having these issues. Unfortunately, you say she has drug addiction/abuse issues. This is something that she will have to deal with in-order to have a healthy relationship with you she will first need to work on herself. I will keep you in my prayers. She may be dealing with a great deal of guilt feeling that she did not protect you... God bless*****

Answer 5

I know exactly how you feel.
i went through a similar experience
and not only once but with two different
family members. I do talk to my mom
but that true binding will never really be back.
I lost total communication with my half sister she chose
her husband and they went to counceling, i didn't bring charges or anything, i say god will take care of them in time. This world is full of bad things, we just have to TRY and see the good, and it is so hard when bad thing after bad thing keeps on piling up. all i can say is to try to go to some counceling or something so that she can let her anger come out and your hurt feelings, once she sees how much this really bothers you, and you see how she might be putting herself down......... l(ike how could i let this happen to my baby), i am sure you both are going through some feelings that you both are covering up. all my best to you.

Answer 6

it's the little girl inside you that still wants a mother daughter relationship..but....sometimes it doesn't happen that way..i never had a good relationship w/ my mom and i have just grown to except that....some things will never change..you just have to forgive and let go....!

Answer 7

yr mom produced u as a by product result of sex.the day yr stepfather raped u she should have divorced him. but in turn, she kept on blaming u for his jail. she has no love to u so no need to show love to her. leave her alone.

Answer 8

Just pray that she goes into rehab fast. Nothing you can do about it as long as you are okay now.

Answer 9

That is so sad. Try intervention. I'd still be really pi**ed that she would'nt believe me.

Answer 10

This is not your fault. She needs help. I am so sorry this happened to you.