Friends who seem to think that they can pop by whenever, since we're homeschooling...?

Question

My son attends a charter school where he goes to school 2 days a week and is homeschooled the other 3 days. He is very persistant, and needs to have a consistent daily routine, otherwise, we get nothing done. I love my friend, her hubby and her 2-year-old, but they'll call my husband in the early afternoon, he'll say "Come over," then they stay for HOURS. This messes with our bedtime routine, which causes problems in the morning.

The wife will say gently to her husband many times that they should really get going, but the guys are busy watching sports and just give her an "Uh-huh..." Many nights, they are here until 9pm (our normal bedtime routine starts with dinner at 5:30, then a short TV show, baths, etc. and the kids are asleep by 8:15 or so). They have a tiny place, so I understand why they want to come over 3 or 4 evenings each week. However, the husband does not seem to understand why we need to stick to our usual routine, even when we have guests.

Thanks so much for the responses thus far. My hubby is theoretically on board with a good routine, but he's so laid back that he'll say "Oh, what's one night?" which turns into 3 or 4, and he's not here in the am when I'm trying to get the kids to buckle down to work! I do need to have HIM address this issue, as the mom is in agreement with me, but she's too passive to do anything about it. I think we may jsut set up a time in the early afternoon for them to come over. The dad is a newly stay-at-home daddy, so he's deperate for help. However, he does not seem to understand that letting his toddler stay up until 11pm is not helping his family one bit. Aargh.

I don't mean to sound anal...I am actually very flaky, which is why I need a consistent routine. If I get off track, I get nothing done. I think I will make posterboard with out daily routine on it for my hubby to see. Perhaps then he will understand the importance of a consistent daily plan.

As for their ages...my kids are 5 1/2 and 3 1/2, and take no naps, so they really need their consistent bedtime. They get about 9 hours or so of sleep a day (which is what they need, based on their behavior), and I need 8 (mine is often interrupted by bad dreams from the little ones, etc.), so it is REALLY important that they get to bed on time! If they were older, I would have no problem with a later bedtime. My youngest gets up around 5:30 or 6am, regardless of when she went to sleep. So, if she goes to bed at 9:30, she's short an hour, and I'm also short an hour. My son will just sleep in, but then our schedule for the day is off. I'm so flaky that if I don't have a consistent rhythm to the day, I get easilly derailled. The issue is more with my sleep than the kiddos (especially since my youngest gets up so early). If they are up late, I have no time alone with my hubby, who leaves for work at 5am, or for myself.

If they were older, they'd have a more flexible bedtime.

Regarding my getting "too much sleep"...ha ha ha! If I get 8 hours, I'm lucky, and I need 7 to 8. My kids are up by 6 (often earlier). My 3 1/2 year old still wakes once or twice at night, and I also like to have some time with my husband for marital stuff late at night. Again, they are young, and they need at least 9 hours of sleep a day. Since I know what they need, sleep wise, the issue is not whether or not we can work with the intrustion, but whether or not I should HAVE to work with the intrusion. We have a great evening routine that works for us. They are well rested and happy when they get their normal 8:30 to 9:00pm to 5:30 to 6:30am sleep. I should not have to adjust it to suit another family's needs, especially when they only have one child who is 2 and has nothing to do the next day (nor do the parents).

And yes, responder, I often DO wake up at 4:15. Or 3 am. Or 2 am. Or all of the above. I need the early evening sleep. I simply cannot function optimally without 7 to 8 hours of good sleep (which translates to 9 to 10 hours of sleep interrupted by a toddler).

I appreciate your input regarding the amount of sleep needed by people, but I really need my 8, and my little ones need at least their 9 ot 10. Can I get by on 7? sure, if noone wakes up with a nightmare, etc. in the middle of the night. It takes me about an hour to fall back asleep, so I need to plan for 9 hours to get 7 or 8.

By the time I am done taking care of the kids, studying (I'm slowly working on my MSW), doing the chores, taking the kids to 4-H, etc., and working (I work at my son's school when he has classes), I am BEAT. My kids don't do "too much," but if I add in the intrusion of my friends, I am worn out.

Answer 1

3-4 times a week? Omg, I'd go nuts having people over that often. I can't imagine going over to someone's place that often--I'd feel so much like I was imposing!

You really, really, really have to talk to your husband about this more. Tell him the two of you need to come to some mutual agreement. Make it something very specific, like every Wednesday or once a week--non-negotiable. Even have him sign a contract. ;) "I will not invite so-and-so over each time he calls."

If you aren't doing this, I would also simply stick with the bedtime routine--keep dinner at the regular hour, do the baths, have the kids in bed as they should--and even offer the other mom to go through a routine with the toddler. I would do this ESPECIALLY if your husband can't seem to set some limits. If the other husband can't understand this, just say you've read a lot about how routines are very important to have healthy, happy children and some children, including your son, really need to not skip the routine or they get all out of sorts. "It might not seem important to you, but I'm the one who's got to live with the effects of it tomorrow! And the day after!"

Good luck with this!

Answer 2

I think mainly your issue needs to be with your husband... have you talked to him about not inviting them over so much or saying "no, sorry, we're not up for company today" if they ask?

I have had a couple of friends in the past that I got to a point of telling them, "you're not a 'guest' anymore, you're more like part of the family, and I need to go about my business," which usually is not taken as an insult. Then tell them just help themselves to coffee or watch tv or something because I'm going to take a shower, a nap, have to clean my bathroom, or just drag out our books on the table in front of them and start our homework-- I can't play full time hostess to people, they've gotten the message and would come over but just take care of themselves and don't expect to be served or entertained (unless I invite them for a dinner or for a party or something, then I'll treat them like 'guests' a little more).

Answer 3

Is the question what you should do? If so, I would have your hubby take the initiative and tell his friend that you have the routine and that he has to help out. Does your husband understand the issue? It sees you should start there. If he won't say anything, then nicely tell the wife you need to get back to work and you have to have the kids down by 8:15. Ask her to take her kids to another room away from yours when it is time for them to work. You sound like you are trying to hard to be kind.
Hope that helps.

Answer 4

went through the same problem with my sister in law you just have to be firm an loving and tell them look i have a schedule i have to keepp for the sake of my child please adhere to it. my main problem with her was i'd invite her over for dinner giving a time of say 5:30pm and she wouldn't show up until 7:30 and bed time was at 8:00pm, and when you have a child, plus in my case a child with adhd you have to keep with the schedule and you can't have any interruptions in your schedule. but sometimes talking doesn't waork so i would tell her instead of dinner being at 5:30 would now be at 3:30pm
she still would not show up until 7:30pm with no reason at all no apology. she finally got the hint when one day i met her at ther door with a shopping bag of food with her dinner and told her good night "your nephew is in bed and no you can't go say goodnight" she was a little hurt ,but when i broke it down that it also hurt my feelings that she couldn't abide our house rules she understood. point is if they are trully your friends then if you have to be a little blunt when the sugar coated hints doesn't work there shouldn't be any problems because as parents they should understand the difficulties with having children. Also too talk to your hubby and ask him before he invites his buddy over is willing to fight with your child in the morning when they don't want to get up, is he gonna do all of the entretaining running bsck and forth getting drinks and snacks, and does he want to sleep and the couch for not be considerate with your feelings with out asing.

Answer 5

I don't see the problem unless your kids are younger than 7 years old.

It is now being understood that 8 hours sleep is too much and it should be more like 7

9 pm + 8 hours = waking up at 5 am

I'm assuming you wake up at 4:15 am?

If your kids are sleeping more than 8 hours, you are introducing fatigue into their systems.

When someone is tired they sleep through anything, even a Abomb blast.

When they can't sleep it indiacates they are not tired.

Answer 6

um...it sounds like your problem is YOUR husband,.

not your friends husband. friends husband is there late by invite of your husband. you need to tell your husband that hes a jerk and that he knows the kids schedule and he needs to stick to it and stop acting like a childish brat by insisting on watching the game with his friend while you struggle with HIS kids to get them to bed.

your problem is your own family. stop outsourcing it. no one forced their way into your home. you invited them in, especially because youre expecting THEM to e able to read your mind, and obviously are asking yahoo strangers how to control your friends instead of being an adult and controlling your husband. What is he, a big kid you cant talk to?

hubby needs to have his visits limited, lay down the law to him.

Answer 7

You have to step up to them and tell who's boss. First you tell them firmly but gently that they need to leave. If they dont respond, get louder and even firmer. This should do it. You have to tell them to understand that you have a kids that need rest, and so do you. Tell them that they can come over on weekends. As for your husband, you know what to do.

Answer 8

It sounds like in order to get your friend's husband on board, you must first get YOUR husband on board. If you two are not united as a couple and set boundaries for company, your efforts will be un-successful.

Answer 9

Seeing as how homeschooling isn't REAL school no its not u have all day to do ur schooling and the same teacher every year!