what would you do with a daughter like this?

Question

we had always been very close, then she met this guy, had 3 kids with him, bought a house and struggled. I have given all the money I had in ira's and she feels that this is what a mom is supposed to do. we are not so close, in fact, she sent back her xmas gift from me. i have been dead last to know about each of her pregnancies. i feel like i'm a car, a bank account, and a convenient place to park tush when there is no other place to go. thanksgiving was a tearful day for me, she called, the man i share my life with now told her i was sleeping, never called back, i tried to call her all day and night. no answer.. she has become the kind of person, that if i were not her mom, and i were more her age, i wouldnt even hang out with her. but, what about the 3 little cuties? am i never to so much as have a picture of them? ever? i wish i had had other children! she is my one and only. someone please, i love this girl, but i really dont like the person she has become.

Answer 1

i know girl like that,my old friend she has 2 litlle girls,and ow she lives in trailer park,after all guys left her,her mom and dad tryed to do the same ,it didnt work,now she is seeking mom's and dad's love after she has no money,whatever she would get from chilsuport on 1 kid she will kinda spend all on drugs,she cant even support her kids...i stopped like last summer to see her and i was like ,look what did you become..dont call me friend anymore or even ever for anything.
eventuly she will regret what she has done,and come back into your arms asking for help.
sorry to hear something like that .

Answer 2

Not knowing the age of you or your daughter, where her father is and if he has an active part in her life, I can only go on certain assumptions....so here we go.....

You said you were always close until a man comes into her life and they have 3 children, buy a house and continue to struggle.
OK, that is the life she now chooses.

You have given her everything you can in hopes that you both will be close again. I am sorry to say that you will never be close again until you both accept the lives you both have chosen.

You are upset now but you need to sit down and patiently talk about what is bothering you. If you can't talk with her then I would suggest family counseling. Your grandchildren have ever right to know you and you to know them, but not before you and their mother straighten things out and can speak civil and lovingly to each other.

Explain that you love your daughter and that you realize that she has a family of her own that she must take care of, so you are going to let her do just that (without your help).
Respect her enough to let her know that you know she is capable of taking care of her family, and that the only help you will provide will be that of loving support. (not money ).

Don't push about the grandchildren just yet, make peace and be friends first then she will come along willingly and let you see the grandchildren and be with them. Always reinforce the fact that you really love her, and that you will always be there for her supporting her emotionally.

Good luck! :-)

Answer 3

I'm so sorry to read about the way your daughter treats you! Many young people (teens and early twenties) go through a very selfish phase, but if she has three children and is buying a house, she must be beyond that age. I would advise you not to give her any more money, to let her know that you're hesitant to give her another Chirstmas present unless you're sure it's something she'll like and want to keep, and to return her calls only once each. (If she doesn't have an answering machine, maybe that's what you could give her this Christmas. Then if you miss one of her calls, you can lob the ball back into her court.) If it's not too late for this year, you can invite her and her family to Christmas dinner--and then go on with your own plans if she doesn't respond. Still, I would let her know you're there for her if she needs you, but not as a bottomless source of money, and that you'd like to have a relationship with your grandchildren. Many states now specifically grant grandparents rights to their grandchildren, and although you might be naturally reluctant to go to court over the matter, the situation may come to a point where you have to write your daughter off for a while but could still build a relationship with her children.

Answer 4

this is not good. but whatever you do, don't give up on her no matter what. You have to be strong. do you know where she lives? If so you could just try to talk to her. If she won't speak to you at all just leave a little message on her phone or post it throught the door just telling her how much you love her and how much you want to help her. but don't let her take advantage of you. Most kids nowadays use there parent as door mats. Is there a father at all? hope you don't mind me asking. Or is there anyone else that could help you make her see sense. There must be something you could do. Remind her of all the good things you both used to do and how close you were. i hope all goes well and don't give up! best wishes X

Answer 5

Why would you give her all your savings? That was for your retirement, not to bail out your daughter. She treats you like a source for money because you always give it to her. Just say no! She would have to find another way if you did not have the money. You are not teaching her to be independent by giving her money. It's called tough love. She needs it. And she will respect you more in the end. I know it's hard to deny your own children but it is necessary. If you stop giving & she stops calling, then you've done all you can do.
My parents are in the same position with my brother. He has just used them for money for many years & they finally said no. I'm pretty sure he has antisocial personality disorder & it's possible your daughter does too.
You've done enough for her. If she doesn't appreciate you for who you are & not just your wallet, let her go.

Answer 6

Merry Benoir. How sad. I think you have to stop bailing her out. The more you do it, the more she will take advantage. You have to try and stop chasing after her. She obviously has an issue with you somewhere along the line. Maybe you should both try counselling to find out what the problem is
Another way you could try would be to offer to have your Granchildren every so often. That way, you could get to know them and she would have a break. Maybe she is so snowed under but she is too proud to ask.
Hope this helps.

Answer 7

Nothing you can do other than stop letting her use you.I know you wanna see your grandchildren,but is it worth all the drama.
Sounds to me like she is a taker.Stop giving in and maybe she might come around.Maybe not.Just keep sending those birthday cards and x-mas cards to your grandbabies and her.
One day they will grow up and she wont be able to dictate how they feel.As long as you continue to show love to them.They will understand.
When they get older 7-10 years old.Show up and ask in front of them if you can spend some time with them.Make her tell you no in front of them.Thye will see her true colors eventally.
Hope that helps.Good luck

Answer 8

don't take this the wrong way but i am sure if she is your one and only. she had alot of attion. right or maybe not. maybe she didnt get enough. It has taken me alot of years to forgive my mother for just being who she was. she had me at a very young age. so by the time i was 14 or so i felt like nothing in my life was right. i held everything against my mom. i then married at 16. i am now 27, and 4 children and still married. i still have a hard time tryng to understand my mother. but i finally let alot go. So in my pont of veiw like I said either she was spoiled and really still is and she takes you for what you give. so either way it is it sounds to me that the both of you need a serious heart to heart with eachother. i wish the best of luck in what happens. my heart goes out to both of you.

Answer 9

Time to cut the purse strings. You have done a great job, you've brought up a little girl that is strong and independant and except for the purse, doesn't need you anymore. Send her a stamped self addressed envelope for photos of your grandchildren and put your energies into something more deserving...you
Love Donna

Answer 10

I know that since she is your only daughter it is in your nature to want to stay close but honestly she isnt going to be better. YOu even sai it yourself you are a bank account. If you dont let her stand on her own two feet she will never become independent, she will just continue to use you.