~Serious family issue involving an innocent young son~?

Question

This is a very long story and I will try to make it as short as possible. Please note, this will be longer than 1000 characters allowed, so please be patient as I keep adding details below.

I was a widow at 35. I was married to a man with severe bipolar and he was also an alcoholic, his name was Jamie. Jamie had a huge heart and would do anything for anyone when he was mentally healthy and not drinking. The problem was the mental illness was present a majority of the time and so were the alcohol issues. We were married for 5 year's and had one son who is my late husbands namesake but we call my son James, he's is now 7, was 4 when his dad died. So now let me get to the story, just had to give a little info so this could be followed easily.

I met Jamie at a bar. He was on the dance floor being goofy with some coworkers. I was sitting with my friend Mary Jo watching Jamie dance because it was funny.

He noticed me watching him and we talked & exchanged phone numbers. A relationship developed quite quickly.

I found out I was pregnant and was very upset considering we were using protection. I knew I could not have a baby with this man because he drank too much. Well he was very excited that I was pregnant and promised to quit drinking. So we were married and were keeping the baby. well as time went by, I realized his drinking would not stop and that he had bigger issues with it than I thought. he agreed to get help and thats when he was diagnosed with bipolar. he was put on many different types of medications, most did not work for him and his scripts would be changed. Finally he was put on the right combination of prescriptions and all was okay, until he mixed the alcohol which he did a lot. This all took place over a few year's time.

I finally realized I could not live like this for the rest of my life, allowing my 4 son's (3 from a previous marriage) to be exposed to the nonsense involved with the alcohol & the mental illness. I gave Jamie a warning to change his ways concerning the alcohol or I would divorce him, I gave him more than a reasonable amount of time to do this, he did nothing but continue to drink and lie about it. So just before our 5th. anniversary, I asked him to move out and he did. I had planned to file for a divorce the following year after we filed our income taxes so we would have some cash available for the kid's & I to move and I would let him keep the place we lived in together, which by the way I bought because he had no income because he could not keep a job because he'd go to work drunk. I did realize though that he was self medicating for so many years prior to me that him stopping drinking would be difficult and this was why I put up with it for so long.

So anyway, I did allow Jamie to come back home at his request & promises to get his poop in a group a few weeks later and it all started all over again, so he left once again at my request and I knew I'd never let him come back, and so did he.

Well 3 days later, he committed suicide by prescription drug overdose, he was living at his brothers home when he did this.

Well it's been going on 3 year's now since his death. I have made contact with the oldest brother in an attempt to try to fix the broken relationship with the family for the sake of my son James because James has been asking a lot about his dads family. The oldest brother Ricky is the family "leader", so my late husband called him. Well Ricky refuses to take my calls. I then did talk t Ricky's wife and she told me that he did not want to talk to me because he feels his brothers death is my fault because I did not take Jamie's calls the night prior and had I taken the calls, Jamie may still be alive.

I had to work in the morning and was not taking his calls for that reason and because I was burned out on all the nonsense involved with this man. I was not with him, I had not control of his choice to die, which, by the way, was NOT his first attempt at death. He had an attempt 9 months prior and was in ICU for almost a month. WE did not know if he would live or die then.

So now that you have the story, my question is, how do I get this family to take my calls? I need them to allow my son to still know his dads family for the sake of his own mental health. How horrible it would be for me to have to tell my 7 year old son that his dads family has no interest in him. I need creative suggestions to get them to open the doors back up for my son.

PS-
To those that refused to wait to read the whole story and tell me to meet a man in church. We can't decide where we will meet a spouse, it just happens when it happens.

Continuation to my PS above-
Besides just because a person goes to church does not make that person better than someone else. When I was a teenager, my sister had a friend that had a friend that was one of the BIGGEST drug dealers in town dealing cocaine and he went to church each & every Sunday with his wife & kid's. So because he went to church, was he perfect? Hmmmmm. How about not judging, I was just giving info so the story could be understood.

Answer 1

Jamie died not because you didn't take his calls, but because he had a mental illness. The medical field can only do so much for some people.

Jamie's brother may be mad for forever. He may blame you because it's easier than blaming himself. It is hard to lose a loved one through suicide. Jamie's brother seems to be having trouble coping-which is to be expected. After suicide everyone blame's themselves and thinks "if I had just _____ he could have been alive today." The problem with that thinking is that you aren't thinking of how much you did to prolong that person's life. And you can only be expected to do so much for so long.

Try to write a letter to his brother. Let him know everything you let us know. Explain how you fell in love with him, explain how hard you worked to keep the relationship together, explain how you felt when he died. Explain that your son is asking questions, and how that makes you feel. And if the letter is ignored, send it to other family members of Jamie's. Someone will eventually start listening to you.

Answer 2

I will answer your question once you have added all the details you feel are needed to get to your question. I see that some have not paid it any attention about your request about being patient. I will do so and once you have finished will edit this to answer your question.

Now that I think you are finished... am I right that you need creative ways to get your son's uncle to take your calls so that your son may know his father's family and possibly be a part of it for the sake of your son's own mental well being? If I am correct... as much as it may hurt for you to read this, there truelly is nothing you can do. If this guy wants to blame you for what is in no way your fault and wants to reject his nephew, that is ultimately his problem and idiotic choice. He is the one missing out on a great (the best part of) his brother.
In times of loss or crisis, heck infact, in times of anything, when we are hurt, upset, confused,etc, we often place blame with whoever or what ever is convienient. I am sorry your ex brother in law will not communicate with you for the sake of your son. But he is the one missing out, not you or your son. You are doing a wonderful job trying to show your son that you are trying... that is all that counts. You cannot force something that someone else does not want. One day your son will understand this. If you are concerned this will affect him negatively, maybe you could try counseling sessions at least once a month. I am sure your other boys will help you out (if they are still at home and old enough to understand), by giving your youngest son extra praise and reassurance. All of you go out of your way and then some to make eachother feel very loved and wanted.
I know it hurts to be told there is nothing else you can do. As a mother myself, I would stop at nothing to make sure my children are healthy and have a good, healthy mental health. You have done all you can do, the rest is up to your son's uncle. In the mean time (until he comes round) you can send letters and pictures once a month or so. Let them all know you want them in your son's life. One day they will see that none of it was your fault. It may take several years for this to happen, if it even does. Hopefully for your son's sake... it will not take too long.

I agree that you do not choose where you meet your spouces... I think that the person who said that was not very nice or compassionate. Just because you met in a bar means absolutely nothing. I met my husband at a party he was hosting while dating another man. So what?

But like I was saying, maybe some counseling once a month and letters to the uncle once a month will help your son. And it might benefit you some too, that way you can be happy and know for sure that what happened was not your fault at all.

I wish I could be of more help to you, I'm sorry I have nothing other than this to offer. I know you were hoping for a solution on how to make your son's uncle communicate with you, I'm sorry I have no suggestions for this. But I do hope that what I have told you has in some way at least gave you a little comfort.

Oh, and sorry my answer is so long.

Answer 3

Your 16 year old will give you the hardest times until she reaches 21, and that's if you are lucky. What I am saying is the facebook guy or the next door neighbor was going to be the problem one way or another. Your girl wants to be in love, no matter who the boy is. Try not to put so much blame on your husband, your kids were going to run all over you if you didn't race them right. Disrespecting our parents happens when there is not good communication, and when we were rotten spoil, it is really not all your husbands fault. There is no easy solution, all you can is try to be friends with your daughter and gain her trust. If it is not possible bring your sister or someone you trust to advice her. It seems she is truly lost in the fantasy of being in love.

Answer 4

I don't think you can get the brother to accept your calls, he's blaming you and will do so for some time regardless of rights and wrongs (it was after all his baby brother who died and he may be feeling guilty himself so being annoyed with you is easier than admitting it). Perhaps you could write a letter to another family member and ask them to show it around.
A letter can be re-read and there's less danger of anyone getting agitated and making matters worse. I suggest you stress this for your son's sake, not yours - even if the family cannot warm to you they might to your son.

I agree that church-going is no guarantee but it might indicate that those who go are at least trying to fit in peacefully & not be a pain in the *!**! to those around them.

Answer 5

ok, I'm still not positive what the question is but I think it's "what do I do about my son and his relationship with his father's family?" so I'm going to take a stab at this.
The unfortunate truth is you cannot force a relationship on people who don't want one.
I know that you know you are not at fault for Jamie's suicide and I know that you know that you will not change the minds of the people who find it easier to blame you than to actually deal with their own grief so I won't spend a lot of time on that.
When your son asks about his father's family tell him that they are far away- that doesn't have to mean geographically- When he's a little older you can start to explain to him that his father was very sick and you tried to help him get better but he just couldn't and his family is so sad about him dying that they just want to be alone.
You pretty much just have to wait for them to come to you. They can't deny that your son is Jamie's and eventually they will likely want to get to know him.

Answer 6

The guy is playing with his phone like a child and then puts his wife on the phone to pass more blame and she did it - that's cute. If I were you I'd write them both and "I don't appreciate letter..and if they behave in-human I'm afraid you have married into a family full of trouble causers who don't give a rip about their brother in the first place otherwise, they'd treat you like a human being and they aren't doing so. Does your BIL have a history of behaving like that? If so, it seems a total lack of manners runs in the family and I see spiritual/emotional danger for your son and you continuing which you should not allow...they need to allow some changes in their lives. He isn't answering the phone because he'd rather keep you walking around feeling totally responsible for something that his brother did and happened at his house in the first place with a history of drugs/alcohol/suicide attempts....all that blame-shifting ring a bell? I'm sure "Jamie" wasn't feeling too good within but I didn't read that he loved his family enough to get over himself and then he went to the "never change" people and fell for that. I've dealt with blame-shifting all my life and coming from a host of people who throw around their labels and demands their therapist or whomever said they could do things to people who are doing nothing to them.

Don't take your son to counceling either. They do nothing but make matters worse by handing out excuses and tell people to fight with people including children with parents over fabricated garbage and they themselves blame-shift...I've seen it on paper. To get away with it they isolate. You are a single mother and do not need your son dominating over you with secular theory which is based on dogma in the first place. You need to surround yourself with spiritually healthy people in your life so your son is not exposed to non-stop negativity. That may or may not mean church for you right now. Protect your child. It seems to me that your inlaws are people who would love to ruin a kids life over lies because they have no manners and no sense of personal responsibility or responsibility that belongs to others. They have zero care as to what support they could be giving their nephew either or the fact that you lost your husband. Ah, Ah, ....not good.

Answer 7

You can not make anyone have a relationship. You should seek some counseling for your son. And be very honest with him regarding his family, you can only try. However, they are who they are... You cannot change that, their loss. And perhaps it is better he does not have contact with them... God bless****

Answer 8

Personally I wouldn't want my children around people like that. They want to blame me for something I had no control over? I think not!!

Answer 9

have you tried writing a letter to someone from that side of the family? maybe address it to the nicest person (one of the wife's) and then maybe they will be able to read your request instead of just writing you off at the start...

good luck.

Answer 10

I'm sorry you've had to go through so much but you haven't actually asked us a question yet. What do you want to know?