bridal party mess up?

Question

I am having a fairly small wedding I was only planning on 3 attendants
the MOH I had in place had to be fired for bad behavior.
but she has an alliance with another bridesmaid girl Let's Call her "J" I had picked

I don't know what her position is on being in the wedding anymore she hasn't made any contact when I have tried to call her to ask about the paticulars

one of the girls in place is my finacees sister.
the other girl is a high school friend
now I just found out my cousin can come to my wedding and I would love for her to be my MOH. I haven't asked her yet.
if i do then I would have 4 girls
I need 3 i don't want to offend or hurt anyone by asking them to step aside so my cousin can particapate.

what can I do without hurting feelings
the two people who I would consider stepping aside would be my finacees sister or the other bridesmaid. "J"

what and how can I do it.

I only need one girl to step aside.

Also "J" isn't that close of a friend( please do not rag on me for this I was sorta put in a situation by the original MOH "J" has never done anything negative towards me she just has a strong alliance with the original MOH I Just do not want to hurt "J"

it would make for an un even bridal party we are having a destination wedding

"J" works offshore in the oil industry so i really can't call her while she is offshore

I need to know where you stand on being in the wedding as a bridesmaid.

I tried to call you the other day but then I was informed you were offshore. In light of the situation with MOH I understand that you are a better friend of hers than you are with me . "I know this is awkward, but are you still interested in being in the wedding?, even though MOH isn't?"

There will be no hard feelings if you choose to back out. "I don't want to put you in the middle of anything. Or damage your relationship with EX MOH I also understand you may feel uncomfortable if EX MOH chooses not to attend the wedding even tho she chooses not to participate in the new position i had for her I am un certain that at this time she will be attending even as a guest.

At this time the bridal party is going to be our direct family members mikes sister and two of my cousins I don’t know how comfortable you would feel in that situation with all our relatives and not your closet Friend the ex MOH

I want this to be a happy occasion. I have a million other things on my plate other then the wedding at the moment and I just need to get this sorted out and at this time I am doing everything alone at this time until I have the final line up.

I also understand that it may be hard to reply to this letter because you may have indifferent feelings towards me at this time because your true friendship lays with ex MOH
If you choose not to respond to this email by Friday
I will understand you are no longer interested. And there is no need to for you to try and come up with an awkward explanation as to why you do not wish to participate.

( i am not sure that you want to particapate as you have not made any attempts to communicate with me since jenny became upset)

You are still invited either way to participate or attend the wedding . But I need to know if you are intending to participate ,if not just do not reply to the email.

this is a copy of the email i sent to her. what do you think of this this letter was sent to "J"

Answer 1

Don't ask fiance's sis to step down ~ you don't want to start off a marriage w/bad feelings.

What about "J", since she hasn't gotten back with you? Try calling her one more time and ask if she is still interested in being in the wedding. If she isn't home ~ leave a message stating you need to talk to her re: the wedding & to return you call asap. If a few days go by, call again & state, "It's important that I talk to you. If you haven't returned my call by X date, I will assume you are no longer interested in being in the wedding."
You have given her multiple chances at that point, and have no obligation to her.

Best of luck to you!!!!!!

EDIT: Since "J" is a better friend of former MOH than you, if you get in touch with her, you can always say something like, "I know this is akward, but are you still interested in being in the wedding, even though MOH isn't?" Let her know there will be no hard feelings if she chooses to back out. You can even encourage it a little by saying, "I don't want to put you in the middle of anything. Or damage you relationship with MOH"

EDIT#2: When will "J" be available by phone? Can you e-mail her? You can always send the same messages via e-mail.

EDIT#3: Email looks great :) I am sure she won't be offended, you were very kind to her. Good luck!

Answer 2

I would stick with the original group. You don't spend much time with your bridesmaids or MOH once the wedding is plannned. They may help in the planning but then again, they may not, that's up to them and how involved they want to be. Once the planning is done, you won't have much contact with any of them and at the wedding it's about you and your groom. The bridal party doesn't really play much of a part. At the reception, you will be too busy being the host and hostess to worry about your wedding party.

Answer 3

If you can only have 3 attendants, you have to stick with who you already have. Your cousin can't be in the wedding - you can't just ask someone to step down. You should have asked your cousin to be in your wedding party before asking J to be in your wedding party, if J is not even that close to you.

However, if J hasn't been in contact with you, she may have "stepped down" herself. If she doesn't get back to you, your cousin is obviously a perfect replacement!

I have a friend who had a similar situation and had to stick with her original bridesmaid choices - and after it was all said and done, it didn't seem like that big of a deal to her. With everything else going on at the wedding...as long as your cousin will actually be there too, I doubt that sticking with your current bridal party will ruin your big day. It's about you and your fiance, after all!

Answer 4

Honestly, you can defend it and justify it all you want, but there is absolutely no way to do this without hurting people's feelings and being rude.

You have three options:
1. Have four bridesmaids. No one cares if it will be uneven.
2. Don't add the other girl. If you don't want an uneven bridal party, this is the only proper choice.
3. Ask one of the girls to step down. I strongly suggest not asking your fiance's sister to step down...that's a really bad idea.

Answer 5

I would start with "J". I would leave her a message saying that you are concerned that you have not heard from her. Let her know that there are some details you need to discuss with her and you need her to call you by XXXX deadline since you have already made a number of attempts to call her. If she doesn't call back or she calls back and says she's not interested in doing it anymore, then problem solved. If she stays in then I think you should just go with the original line up. I don't think much good can come from asking your fiance's sister to step out of the wedding. Good luck!

Answer 6

Are you 14? This sounds completely ridiculous and junior high. You can have 4 girls and 3 guys. It's OK. One guy will walk out with 2 girls on his arm. He'll love it.

Whatever you end up doing, do not ask your fiance's sister to step aside. She is an important person in your fiance's life and deserves to be part of the bridal party - even if you are only doing it for him. Plus she is going to be part of your family now so don't do anything stupid to screw up your relationship.

Answer 7

it is your wedding and your decision and if you want your cousin then so be it... i dont mean to be harsh or cruel but its not their wedding... they will probably understand but they will be hurt... and if J isnt doint anything to help out or getting into the wedding then it would be best to have your cousin.. i had a MOH that basically acted like she wanted to have nothing to do with the wedding and a BM who did everything for me and with me... its up to you its your decision... all feelings aside you do what you want to do...

Answer 8

this sounds like a grade two group of little twits! you have asked the people to be in your party, and you can not 'unask' them! nor can you suggest someone step aside!
i have to tell you though, i almost wish they were all reading this and all quit on you! how juvenile can you get?

Answer 9

Don't un-invite anyone, that reflects so poorly on a person. Just have 4. It can be done.

Answer 10

You really can't uninvite someone from being in your wedding. I'm not sure why you can't have four girls, but that's the only way to go at this point.