My husband and I live with his mom/ my mother in law. Any Advice?

Question

My husband and I were married last December and we lived alone until February when my husband lost his job due to circumstances beyond his control which was really a shock to us. Thankfully I had a few thousand in savings and we were able to eat and pay all of our bills, but a month and a half later we moved to Houston to stay with his Mother until we could get back on our feet. We were so grateful (and honestly still are!), but the novelty has worn off and we are in a major dilemma. His mom and dad are going through a divorce and my husband now plays the role of her husband/son and my husband at the same time. She still treats him like he is 12. Also, her 3 daughters come to visit periodically and when they leave they eat all of my husband and my food and don't clean up after themselves. I got along with my mother in law so well before, and we are wondering if we should go into cc debt to move out or just continue to silently endure the miserable living conditions. What do you think?

Well, see, the great thing in all of this is that my husband and I still talk to each other about it all the time (which might actually be sort of bad) and he is understandably just cautious to talk to his mom about the situation in her own house. There is alot more that goes on I just don't have the space to write it here, but we are just at the end of our patience and our relationship with his family is starting to suffer. I hate that too because I always adored his family. I just can't live with them when they treat us so unfairly. We are also expecting a baby in May and I already know that I am going to be sensitive about her taking over the mom job with our baby. She already tells my husband and I how to care for our dog and tells my husband when he needs shoes or socks on his feet, lol! We are just so afraid of going into credit card debt especially since we are both still in college and working 9 to 5. So we are trying!

We do both have a job and thats the thing that brings me to tears. Even with us both working and making between 8 and 9 dollars an hour we will still not have enough to live each month in our own apartment. We have even found apartments that let you pay 30% of your monthly income as your rent (which is amazing) and the apartments don't even seem that ghetto, but we will be losing my income in May when the baby comes because I will be barely making over the cost of daycare. We are prepared to live minimally and "live on love" but we don't even have enough to do that.

Wow. Yeah, I don't think life is like tv. Lol, that is a ridiculous notion. And I'm not sure how else to express on here that I am grateful to someone other than just saying it so I have read your comment and it is just that. A comment. It was not helpful and I think even my mother in law would be laughing at you right now as you've pegged our situation all wrong and wrongly judged my husband and I and her.

I know I've commented alot, but sincerely thanks to those of you who have given advice or just shared your similar (and often worse!) stories. I think I needed to read the stories more than anything so thank you thank you!

Answer 1

Been there, done that.

If you can avoid credit card debt, do so as long as humanly possible.

I know it's difficult, but try to endure the situation. Respect the fact that it's not your house. Your husband also needs to feel that enough is enough before you can make a move. Just let him know how you feel, but try not to nag or broach the sensitive subject of finances. I'm sure he wants to provide for his own family, and he doesn't need the added stress of knowing just how unhappy you are.

In my situation, a small child was being neglected: allowed to play video games for ten hours a day, no regular or healthy meals, not having his teeth brushed, not being bathed regularly, etc. I did what I could to care for the child and tried to keep my mouth shut, but my MIL resented my "inference." The child's young mother was highly offended, too, when I mentioned once that he'd not had a bath for a week. She rallied the support of my MIL, and the two teamed up against me.

We kept our food contribution to the household in a second refrigerator in the garage. Other family members still had access to it, but most didn't bother to go outside of the kitchen area for meals and snacks. If this is not an option for you, perhaps you can camouflage the non-perishable food items you'd rather the sisters not get into. Box them up in a plain cardboard box and keep them in a remote cabinet, the laundry room or on the bottom back shelf of the pantry. They will likely be overlooked if they are less conspicuous.

We also thought we were helping by buying food, cooking, cleaning, and doing the laundry but my MIL felt that this made her look bad to her other family members because she had never done these things herself. Fortunately, my husband supported my position and when the ultimate blow-up came (thanks to a gossiping, meddlesome sister-in-law) we moved out and lived without any luxuries whatsoever. We couldn't afford to buy enough gasoline to get to church. Eventually, the Lord opened a door to a great employment opportunity, and we moved out of state. Since then we have been blessed with a much better life, and we truly appreciate everything that we have and can now offer help to our relatives and friends in need.

Are you or your husband working now? Can you see a glimmer of hope? A light at the end of the tunnel? If so, focus on that time and work towards that goal. Just knowing that your current situation is only temporary will help you get through the daily frustrations of living with your MIL now.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Your story is heartbreaking, but I admire both you and your husband so very much for being committed to getting your college educations. Just keep telling yourselves that the current status quo is only temporary.

In the meantime, try to spend as much time out of the house (away from relatives and bonding as a couple) as possible. It's great that you and your husband see the situation the same; this further fuses you together as a couple. It helped my husband and me, too.

We had a dog that was our child. At the time, my MIL insisted that we keep it out of the house and that broke our hearts. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time outside with my dog! Their older dog was unchained from it's garage prison and allowed to play with our pup outside, and the poor old dog came alive! (Even after we moved out, they allowed their dog an increased measure of freedom outside.)

Is there any job you can find that would allow you to work from home after you've had the baby? Perhaps you can look into those options. Good luck and stay strong.

Answer 2

I had mother in law issues as well but, I never lived with her. I can tell you that going into credit card debt is not a good idea.
Especially with a baby on the way. You will be paying off just the interest. Best plan. Get rid of all store credit cards. Cut them up. You do not need to use a store card. You need 1 major credit card in case of emergency. Don't get me wrong you need to have some credit but I have seen so many young collage stunts get credit cards and lets face it when your in collage your broke so they live off the credit cards and end up with a problem.

If you go food shopping rather then buy a lot for all go to the store more often so your sister in laws do not take advantage. Save as much money as you can and then move out. Worry about what his mom is going to say as the last thing on your list. Sometimes we need to just let some stuff go because of the position we are in. Maybe hubby could also get a weekend or 2 nd job.

Have a blessed Holiday.

Answer 3

Let me get this straight. You are newly married, expecting a baby, with inadequate jobs one of which you will be losing, and still in college? And you are complaining that his mother, who is putting a roof over your (and your baby) head tells your husband when to put on socks?

Pregnancy makes a woman crazy some times, and since you are in school and working, you are most likely exhausted and out of your right mind.

Ignore her, don't worry about her trying to a mom to your child(she can't if you are), and for Pete's sake when the sister visit, hide your food. Your husband is the man of the house, like it or not, and while his mother is providing him a chance to get back on his feet and not drive his family into debt, he needs to do the things she needs done. It won't be like this forever, and you need some perspective that goes beyond just saying you are grateful. Life isn't like TV or magazines. Life is what you are living, making the best choices you can under the circumstances and accepting the outcome.

Answer 4

This is one of those things that "if it doesn't kill us it makes us stronger".No doubt, living with family is a double edge sword! Emotions can get all tangled up. Try to tough it out though. You don't want to get into the CC mess! Then, when that runs out what will you do? When your husband gets a job you may need your cards for back-up. I, too, have been where you are and know how hard it can be! You are so happy and grateful for the help but at the same time, all privacy has gone out the window and as you have stated, it's like your husband has been time warped back to age 12!! The most important thing for you and your husband now is good communication. Talk to each other. Make plans for your future. Be optimistic! This time with his mother will pass and you will move on. Hopefully the relationship between you and your mother-in-law will remain intact. More important though is your relationship with your husband! As for his sisters, they may behave like this all the time when they visit their mother. I mean, make a mess and leave it for her to clean up.

Answer 5

i know its difficult!..my ex husband and i had to live with my father for 3 months after we got married at first and then with his mom for 3 months, while our house was being built...my ex husband had a big family...the household consisted of...his mom, step dad, 8 yr old little brother, 18 yr old brother, (who doesnt and wont work),a 27 yr old sister with a 4 yr old daughter and 2 yr old twin girls...the house was 3 bedrooms. The 4 and 2 yr olds were spoiled a** rotten, along with the 8 yr old little brother that couldnt do anything for him self including puor a glass of milk to drying off and getting dressed after a bath, and got to watch the disney 24 hrs a day on the big screen in the family room!!...this was the worst 3 months of my FREAKING life!!...lol...
but we stuck it out...and eventually got into our new home W/O a bunch of credit card debt!!..
I know its hard...and it all seems overwhelming...but God has all the answers and he hears your prayers...he knows what you need when you need it...and He has everything undercontrol!...he has a plan for you...and he always comes RIGHT ON TIME!! it may not be the time you think it should but you will find its exactly when it should be!
just stick it out...you deffinately dont want to go in debt just b/c the in-laws are tough to live with...think about the long run, and try to grin and bear it...you will be glad you did in the end...and try to take it easy on the hubby...moms are tough to deal with...and then living with the 2 most important women in your life at one time can be quite overwhelming...mom -in-law probably wont be as understanding considering she's goin through a divorce, so be the bigger woman and tough it out for your husband, yall finances and your mom-in-law!...
Go to her and talk with her...tell her you realize she's have a rough time right now...and so are you so if things get rough or tense that its all just tension from being pregnant and just the whole situation...let her know from the start that no matter what happens or gets said in anger is just that ~ done in anger ~ and doesnt have any concrete meaning...and you love her no matter what!
keep your head up and good luck!! and that baby will be the best blessing in the world...treasure your bundle of joy!~

Answer 6

Well this is a hard one with no right or wrong answer. If you stay you should be able to talk to the sisters, which might cause trouble between you and them or you can ask your husband to talk to them. Anyway if you or your husband say something to them, they might get upset with you, because they feel that they are in their parents house and you came back. And the don't look at it being your food be cause it is their mother's refrigerator. So this is a very touchy situation. You don't want to hurt their feelings but at the same time you have to say something to keep your food for yourselves. I know you want to share but you do have to eat also, and they should understand this I should hope. So you know them better than I do so good luck.

Answer 7

I guess your husband is ok with this does she work does she contribute to household expenses? if she was older that 46 i would probally let her stay myself but she is the same age as my mom and she just graduated college bring it up that your just not in to thr situation any more and you think its time that just the two of you just play house for a while but reasure him that when she's older much older that you will help him taking care of her but it's kinda like you two just got marrried out of respect for herself and her son she should give everyone room to breathe and he needs to cut the emblical cord he's married not and not 10 years yet I wish you the best of luck how ever this goes just remember you live in the house to a relationship is to compromise and you have for quite some time now it's his turn

Answer 8

Even if it's a $7 an hour job, BOTH of you should get a job. With that income, you'd beable to get your own place. It doesn't have to be fancy or the perfect place for now, but at least you'd have your OWN place and NOT have to deal with that!
It is so wrong of his mom to be putting him ( hubby) in the position of depending on him because her hubby left her.
You 2 need to get out. Get out NOW not later.

Answer 9

that sucks your husband should look for a new job soo you guys can move out and on with your lives