David was an assimilated Jew and a passionate atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because despite its' denominational roots, it was good academically, and totally secular. After a month, his son comes home and says casually, 'By the way Dad, do you know what 'Trinity' means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.'
The father can barely control his angst. He grabs his son by the shoulders and declares: 'Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you NEVER to forget it. There is only ONE G-d - and we don't believe in Him!!!'
At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer. He tells the officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers starts: 'Will we have to fight in WW3?'
'Yes, Comrades, you probably will,' replies the general.
'And who will be the enemy?' asks another officer.
'Probably China.'
- continued below
2007-12-18
02:40:41
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15 answers
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asked by
Anonymous
in
Travel
➔ Africa & Middle East
➔ Israel
The class looks alarmed and finally one officer asked: 'But General, we are only 150 million people - there are about 1.5 billion Chinese! How could we possibly win?'
'Well,' replies the General, 'think about it. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For instance, in the middle east, 5 million Jews were attacked by FIFTY MILLION Arabs, and the Jews fought back and won.'
'But Sir,' asked the panicky officer, 'do we have enough Jews?'
2007-12-18
02:43:18 ·
update #1
EMMI - it's not a question, now stop being so rude. You don't like jokes - don't respond to the post where the title states 'jewish jokes'.
2007-12-18
02:47:24 ·
update #2
ARYEH - lovely :)
2007-12-18
02:54:39 ·
update #3
LOOOOOOOOOOL
Thanks for the laugh, really. Allow me to participate as well:
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
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About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
2007-12-20 02:43:55
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answer #1
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answered by Duke of Tudor 6
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Moskowitz runs into his friend Finkelstein on the streets of New York. "Finkelstein! Have I got a deal for you! I got a hold of a beautiful African elephant. I'll let you have it for only $100." "Moskowitz, we're in the city? What would i do with an elephant?" "It's 10 feet tall and 2 tons and a beautiful gray." "But what would I feed it?" "It's got big floppy ears and can pick up things with its trunk!" "Moskowitz, I live in a small apartment on the third floor of a walk up apartment! Where would I keep an elephant?" "Okay Finkelstein," Moskowitz finally says, "You drive a hard bargain. I'll throw in a 2nd elephant for only $50 more." Finklestein quickly says, "Now, you're talking!!" :-)
2016-05-24 21:41:15
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answer #2
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answered by delphine 3
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Moshe comes in from playing and goes to Papa. "Papa! What is Easter? Papa Says, "Oy Moshe I've been told by Rabbi Mordechai that it is the day the stone rolls away from the grave. Yoshe walks out, sees his shadow and like that!
6 more weeks of winter!!!
2007-12-18 06:57:44
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answer #3
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answered by canfield205 5
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This is bad, but it's the only 'decent' one I can think of at the moment....
Q: What song do they sing at a Jewish/Catholic wedding?
A: "Oy, Vey Maria"
Told ya it was bad.....
2007-12-19 05:15:57
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answer #4
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answered by Anonymous
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Have you heard about the rabbi who performed circumcisions for free?
He just took tips...ba ding dang....
2007-12-19 16:43:00
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answer #5
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answered by joeandhisguitar 6
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There is a Jewish and Catholic woman conversing about their children. The Catholic woman says "one of my sons is a priest". The Jewish lady says "so what". The other lady says that "my son is a bishop", "so what" the Jewish lady says again. "My son is a Cardinal". Of course "so what" is the reponse. The Catholic becomes visibly upset and says "what do you want him to be? Jesus Christ". The Jewish lady says "One of our boys made it".
2007-12-18 02:49:02
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answer #6
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answered by Anonymous
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Good ones PB, that book must be something. Waiting for the next.
2007-12-18 02:55:43
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answer #7
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answered by Mike S 7
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ha ha! i'm so happy you started posting the jokes agian! i really missed them when you stopped!
2007-12-20 01:36:03
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answer #8
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answered by Anonymous
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- Do you know Moishe?
- Which one?
- The one that used live accross the street from the city prison.
- Oh yeah, I remember him. How is he doing?
- He now lives accross the street from his house.
2007-12-18 03:48:57
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answer #9
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answered by Anonymous
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Israeli soldier: What's this, is it a bacon-tree?
Hamas fighter: No, it's a ham-bush.
2007-12-18 03:16:00
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answer #10
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answered by Anonymous
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