A controlling mom...?

Question

Moms out there I plan on giving this letter to my mom or emailing it to here tell me what you think...(Jesse is my ex whom broke up with me 3 weeks ago)

Mom-

I’m writing this too you because I am frustrated. I’m 23 years old almost 24 and living at home, and it is not fun. I think that is one reason I miss Jesse, because I had that place away from home I could go to. I appreciate you and all you do for me and I love you for caring so much, but there comes a time in a child’s life that the child needs to start feeling not controlled by their parents. I know it is your house and I need to respect that and take care of my room better for you, but please stop telling me what to do and when to do it. I’m just trying to be honest with you, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, but I need to get these feelings out to make me a better person. I need to learn to make my own decisions, and stop listening to everyone else’s suggestions on my life, it is a thing I need to do to grow up even more, it is something I need to make myself better for my future. I love how we have gotten closer mom, but I need this from you. I need to start seeking approval from myself instead of you, this leads me to be more self-confident instead of self-sufficient in what your opinions are. Please work on this with me, just so I can start being a better me, more self-confident, more self-sufficient, I need to feel like I have control of my own life. I have been reading a book by Dr. Phil about getting out there and dating again, and the first thing is to start loving yourself, and being your whole self, so that is what I’m trying to do. I love you and appreciate you caring so so much about me, I’m doing this also so we are closer. Thank you for everything you do.

Ashley

Thanks to everyone the reason i'm still living at home is because I'm a FT student I have already received my bach. degree in broadcasting, and did the living at college life now I'm driving back and forth getting my elem. teaching cert.

Answer 1

I can't tell you if this will work for you because I don't know your mom, or really what your circumstances are but here are my observations as a mom of girls really close to your age.

What I first picked up was you know you need to respect that this is your mothers home and do a better job keeping your space the way that your mother prefers her home to be. This tells me two things, you aren't doing it and that its a source of aggravation to your mother. In other words, you say you are mature enough to know what to do but yet its not reflected in your actions. Really that's very important because its actions that relay the truth, not words. You need to actually be doing what's needed to show your mother that you are a grown woman, not just say it.

The other thing that jumps out at me is that you have verbalized something that is very normal. This is just my own opinion, not what I think everyone should be doing, but I really believe that in our culture, its very very hard for two grown woman to live in the same house. I love my daughters and I enjoy being with them, but we all acknowledge that having our own privacy is important in maintaining our relational health.

The other thing I want you to be aware of is that there is no guidebook to parenting a child of your age(you are always a child to us, honey, its not a bad thing if kept in perspective). What happens is that over time your dependent, needful teen becomes a young adult and your role as a mom completely changes and IF you aren't paying attention, you don't realize it. Your mom doesn't nessessarily think you can't stand on your own two feet, she just doesn't have the personal awareness that the you stopped needing her in that way. She needs to be a different kind of mom now, in some ways like you needing to live at home, its the same but the really big difference is that she has to trust that the job she's done for almost 24years has ended and it has to be good enough.

You can't claim self sufficiency until you are, and as long as you need to live at home, you are still living in your mothers home and you need to very much respect that. You may be that mom some day with your own daughter saying these very things to you. Keep that in mind. You do need to move forward and take responsibility for your own life and own the consequences. I don't know if Dr. Phil says that, but that's what being an adult is all about, owning your own consequences and not ever blaming anyone or anything else for the mistakes you make. Love yourself enough to understand you will make them, and that's how you learn, and love your mom enough to understand that she knows that and she, because she's your mom, wants to naturally save you from that pain or uncomfortableness.

My "lightbulb" moments happened over time, both my daughters have been brave enough to tell me what they needed me to know. The moment that stands out the most was once when my daughter was going to college here in town and living at home. I want to say she was 20. We have a family rule about telling each other where we are going when we go out. She started out the door and said she was going out with her b/f and might not be back till later. I just offhandedly said "ok honey, that's fine with me." She stopped and very respectfully said "Mom, I'm just telling you what I'm doing so you won't worry, I'm not asking permission." Well of course not, she had all the lessons I taught her down pat and now I needed to trust I did a good enough job. It took a few more knocks upside the head, but eventually I got it. Your mom will too, but first you need to make sure you are being who you say you want to be and not just making a speech. Again, actions speak louder than words.

Answer 2

Well, it is a pretty good letter. No matter how nice and tactful you are, this is still going to hurt your Mom's feelings and make her a little mad. You see, she probably doesn't realize that she is being controlling or over protective.

So be ready to sit down and talk with her, reassure her and give her some specific instances of what you are talking about.

Also the bottom line is that at 24, you are wanting more freedom and to be more independent. You will never fully achieve that until you are out on your own. So start now making plans and taking steps to move out and be the adult that you need to be.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

Your almost 24 and living at home and mad that your mom is controlling? Why don't you get out and get your own place? I just turned 19 and live with my parents, but I practically have to get my own place before I turn 20. If I said that to my parents they'd just say open the front door and say "now what are you complaining about?"

Answer 4

It's an ok letter Ashley, BUT........you keep referreing to yourself as a child! Your an ADULT!!

I have 4 adult children. They were all out of the house at 18 with JOBS, living their own lives!
Why not get a job, get your own place, so you don't even have to be writing these kinds of letters to your own mom?

She'll respect you more and YOU sure will respect yourself more!

Answer 5

Good job.

I think the letter is great. I think that you are going in the right direction.

You mom would probably not enjoy the letter but you need to give it to her for your own sake.

Keep it up and Good Luck

Answer 6

I think thats a very good letter. I cant find any faults with it.

I understand how you feel as i am broke and have to move back in with my controlling mum and i am not looking forward to it!

Answer 7

Ashley..I think this is very good! You should give this to your mom..Or just get up the nerve to have dinner with her and have this conversation face to face..

Good Luck

Answer 8

well bet it not much fun for you mum as well,you should be standing on you own two feet not getting under hers,us mums have a life you know after we have brought our familes up. try not to blame your mum to much.good luck to you and your mum.

Answer 9

unless you want to be thrown out the house sont send that. ive done this before pretty much same deal. after i said my peace i was throw out on my *** to live as an adult.