How do you become a forgiving person when your family has destroyed your trust and way of life?

Question

I lost my daughter in a house fire on 8/29/07 she was 12 yrs old. I cannot deal with all the drama of my family. I haven't spoke to my family. I have had to deal w/the loss of my daughter, my home and my family. I need help to be forgiving. Any and all suggestions is appreciated. Right now I stay clear of them all, to heal.

Answer 1

Give it time. Lots of time.

Answer 2

Everyone before me have stated some wonderful things and suggestions and my heart goes out to you. Sometimes the people around us are VERY uncomfortable with the expression of emotion in a time of extreme sadness. They want you to "get over it already". Honey, it has only been 3 months!! You grieve as long as you want, but try not to sink down too far into a chronic depression--you may become non-functional. A breavement group or therapy, as stated above me, would be good. Right now, with the holidays coming up, this will be an especially hard time. Hang in there!!! BTW once trust is broken, it is a very hard thing to regain. It's for others to provide the integrity involved. I'm not sure what forgiveness you're searching for but in time it will get there. That time could be 2 weeks, 8 months or 6 years, but don't get stressed by it. This loss of your daughter is something that you may come to accept but the hurt of her not being around will always be there--Accept That.
Time Really Does Heal All Wounds.

Answer 3

You have to heal first, in order to forgive. Some people thrive on drama, and families are no different. What a horrible thing to have happened. This is when we need family the most. I think the first thing you should do is talk to someone, learn to grieve and be aware that you are not thinking clearly right now, no one would in your situation. Stay away from the drama, and find friends that you can count on, people you can trust to help you heal. While I am not religious, I would speak to a Preacher, or Priest to help. This is a big deal in your life, and you need to find peace. I wish you well, and hope you can over come the pain. We never forget, but it does fade to an almost bearable pain.

Answer 4

Dude, you have to forgive yourself first to be able to forgive others. Accept your guilt, I mean, who would want to lose a loved one for any circumstances or eventualities anyway? You feel sullen because you worry too much, the guilt and the conscience that is striking you is crippling your sanity to be a normal person. Stop blaming yourself, you never expected that accident. Sure, your daughter is a big loss. Cry out loud if you have too, do not ignore the pain but instead acknowledge the emptiness which is alowly making you feel drifted, and in the same way stop pitying yourself. You are not alone, a lot of people lost their loved ones in a most tragic way and yet managed to go through with their respective lives because they cling on to God's wisdom. Pray. Pray hard for your daughter's soul that she may rest in peace and in the glory of God. Stop anticipating, refrain from figuring out. Before you knew, people around you may thought the same way as you do maybe because you lack a healthy communications. If they can not initiate a civil conversation, you make a step. You are a human being, the highest form of an animal and that is what we are made of, I mean, we are capable to feel and think before making an action. Man, step out of the dark and donot begin a new life but instead, continue with what life you have before the accident; reconstruct whatever imperfections you have before not for purpose of perfection but to mend what is due mending. If you start a new life, you just merely have a new but the traces and scars of your past were left which will remind you that you never done something to correct them. GOOD LUCK and GODSPEED.

Answer 5

First thing is to accept it. Accept all that is happened, when u start to realize and accept for what has happened cry a good cry. Release all the sadness, loneliness and everything else, just cry it out or yell it out as long as you express it out. Don't keep it bottled up because it will get to you. When that is done of course it will take some time, but after that is done remember the good times and help her passover. Visit her give hr flowers talk to her, cry if you want to. Your next step is to surround yourself with positive things, family, friends, watch a funny movie, whatever that breaks u smile or a laugh. When you're ready visit the house, bring some flowers to help you heal to let her know you're gonna be okay, You shouldn't keep your family distant, because u know that they are only doing that because they care for you. You need to cry with them as well, because it wasn't just you who lost a family member but also them who lost a family member. You don't want to lose more if u stay distant. In time you forgive them , also when u see it from their side. Forgiveness takes time so be patient. Hope this helps if u need more comfort let me know.

Answer 6

I am so sorry for your loss. The only thing I can tell you is to hold on to all of the good memories of your daughter and be thankful for the time you had with her. The pain will never go away, but it will ease with time.

As far as the family drama...well, the past is in the past. People make mistakes, parents aren't Gods they are only human. Everyone has their flaws and no one is perfect. Life is short and holding on to the past is never good because it corrupts your future. All you can do is reach out to them and if they reach back then maybe you can start healing. You have to be open and honest with them. Don't expect anything from them or from yourself.

I was shunned by my mother-in-law for over 11 years. She had nothing to do with us. I mean nothing and we lived two minutes from her. We had two beautiful children together and she hadn't even really met them or spent time with them until after her own mother passed away. All of the sudden she was talking to my husband and wanting to see the kids. She has never apologized for her behavior and I am certain that she never will so I just let it go.

So just let it go. Always be prepared for the other shoe to drop, but know that you did everything you could to be the bigger person.

Answer 7

i understand how you feel ,i lost my mum 4 years ago tragically, And i find no one in my family is ever there to listen.If anything i hear more about their problems now ? I think they must think im tough and can handle anything. Its so hard you have to deal everyday on your own.. i try to be forgiving but i feel angry at them all the time....
I even had to go through my cousins being jealous because i bought a cute car with my inheritance.. Like a car makes you happy and replaces a mum.. I think they are idiots and avoid them.. People dont understand until they loose someone close to them, its a life changing constant pain that turns you upside down and you learn to live upside down..
find a place you can express everything like a bereavment councelor or christian counciling is cheap..
dont have your feelings get pushed under the carpet because believe me the only person it will effect is you, . do anything you need to feel better or feel stronger.
Put yourself first as much as you can, Its easy to feel you dont deserve it, I still blame myself sometimes,, talking is the best way realy there are nice people who will listen and understand it realy helps x

Answer 8

I'm very, truely so sorry for your loss.
Your grief will last as long as you permit it too and also the feeling of not wanting family around.

It takes time, and sometimes alot of time.

I'm reading something here..............is it your family you are placeing blame for the fire? If so, if it was set on purpose, I'd be wanting them arrested or course and put in jail. IF it was an accident, you need to go in for greiveing counceling honey. Accidents are just that....accidents. BUT it's your heart who has to have the time to deal with and grieve. If you need to stay away from then, do so, but be getting yourself some help during this time.

My prayers go out to you.

Answer 9

NO holds barred, this is one of the most tragic occurences
for a parent

only time will heal - so take your time

does your work provide a free service for three trips to a counselor - to talk it out? please take advantage if they offer it

none of us is an island - and we need each other to survive

sooner or later, you will need to reach out to your family
I hope they love you and hug you - words are not needed -
hugs are - maybe still some sobbing to get out

May God grant you the peace that passes all understanding
I know in my heart that she is safe now where nothing can hurt her - Heaven truly has a new angel.

Would I have wanted it that way - O NO NO NO NO NO
Read the 23rd Psalm - yea though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death (those are not happy steps)
Thou art with me -

I pray that God will walk with you

*hugs*

t

Answer 10

Depends on what you are forgiving for?

Did they bring about the events that are happening in your life now? e.g the loss of your daughter or the fire...., if not...

then you will have to keep issues with them (if possible)... separate from what is going on now.

I am really sorry to hear about your loss. This must be a very hard time for you..., you sound very sad... :-(

Answer 11

Time is the greatest healer. Being away from your family you are doing No good to yourself and to them.
You dont have to forgive you have to ask for forgiveness from the Creator as HE might have punished you for some great sin. Life is in accepting the fact of life and moving on, it will only help, not being a resclue.