how healthy is it to have separate activities in a relationship?

Question

ok so i know that the majority of people will say you need to have individual activities when you're in a relationship and you should not be together all the time. However, in my circumstance my boyfriend and i have always done everything together. we still talked to our friends and everything but when we would go out we would go out together to hang out with them. we basically spent every spare moment together and we have classes together in college. we were like this until over the past few months, hes suddenly been wanting to go out with his friends alone and gets mad if i want to go. also this goes along with my last posted question go read it to further understand. but im just wondering if im crazy for being concerned about this sudden change?

p.s. i have talked to him about this. he says im crazy and that i shouldnt be so paranoid. so that is why im asking on here to see if i actually am over reacting.

Answer 1

Like anything else, each relationship is different, and while there are general truths for a healthy relationship, (like mutual respect is a must), what makes one tick may not tickle another.

Yes, it is healthy to have separate activities, and in my opinion anyway, too much "together time" can cause a quick burnout. As a relationship starts, the fires burn brightly, and excessive time together may not feel so good as it comes to a comfortable simmer. That time together may need to adjust as the infatuation becomes something deeper and more sedate.

It very well could be that your bf is now past that crazy-gotta-have-all-the-time-phase and needs a little more space. This is not a bad thing, and the two of you will simply have to find a happy medium together. Hopefully you'll be able to find a good amount that keeps you both feeling loved AND able to breathe.

However...without knowing your particular relationship dynamic, I will assume that you had a healthy level to begin with (not just the fatuation all-the-time level) and that this level was truly comfortable for the both of you. If this is so, then, YES, you most definitely have every reason to be concerned with this change in bf's attitude. Does this mean he's cheating? Does this mean he doesn't love you anymore? Does this mean he is up to no good? No, no, and no. What it does mean (as does ANY change in a pattern) is that SOMETHING has changed, and it needs to be addressed. A change like this is always cause for concern, even if it is just simply a change that needs to be made to improve things.

It very simply could mean that the level you were at is not working for him now. We've all had situations where we like something for x amount of time, and then need an alteration to make it comfortable again. He may still love you very much, but now wants to spend more time developing his life OUTSIDE of you, now that you and he are good to go. This will just take a bit of talking and trying to find a system that works for you both. (Like going out with the friends together every few times, or understanding that Fri night bowling is a guys-only date.) He's not handling it the best--he should just say that then--but men aren't always the most articulate about these sorts of things. (Sorry, guys, but it's true.)

But...yes, there does exist that very unhappy and real possibility that he is no longer keeing his eyes on you as much as they should be, or no longer wants to. This is where intuition can play a very big part. Only YOU know what that "mad" felt like when he refused to let you come along. Was it defensive? Was it nasty? Was it exasperated? Did it feel like he just wanted some time alone (with his buddies) and your asking to go made him feel crowded? Or did it feel like you were interfering with some plan he didn't want you to be a part of/see? There is a BIG diffr. between feeling possessive of your time with your buds and being defensive because you are more or less up to no good.

May sound cliche...but you guys just need to talk it out. If he isn't open to talking about it, you may want to move on anyway. But if he will work with you on it, that's a good sign. When you approach him, don't say, "I think you're cheating..." or anything confrontational. It will just make him defensive (if he wasn't already) and if he is up to something, it isn't like this approach will make him go, "Why, yes, I am."

Just say something like, "I really enjoyed how much we used to go out with our friends together. I realize you need alone times with your buddies, and I respect that. Can we maybe have time with Joe, Bob, and Larry together every X week(s)?" He SHOULD agree to that. It's more than reasonable. If he says no, simply ask why.

Now, when you DO go out, this is important. On the sly, keep an eye on how Joe, Bob, and Larry act. If they act differently, especially toward you, that's also a signal something's up. Anybody I've ever known that has been cheated on has noted that his/her friends have acted differently toward them then, embarrassed/awkward to cooler (as in not very friendly) to outright ignoring or nasty. Rarely, the guy friends will act esp. friendly, as if they feel bad for the clueless gf--or guilty.

Again, change is key here. If nothing is up, there is NO reason his friends should be acting differently. If there is change, does it mean he absolutely IS cheating? Of course not, but it does mean something has happened to make them think of you differently/want to behave differently around you. So, at best, he's been saying something, or they think something of you (it could even be that they were jealous of your time with him) that needs addressing (because bf SHOULD have your back and stick up for you).

Good luck and I hope this helped! You are wise to notice this change and want to do something about it, even if it just means sitting down and having a good heart-to-heart.

Answer 2

It's very healthy and is something I should definitely practise a lot more - we also do everything together! You should speak to him and ask him straight if there is anything to be concerned about. If he's really just getting some space and not doing dodgy stuff behind your back, you should get practise your own independance as well - join a class or hang out with your own friends.

Answer 3

Maybe I'm just naive or overly optimistic, but I really don't think there's as much to worry about as some of the other respondants do. Spending too much time together will smother you and breed irritation and resentment. Usually one partner begins to realize it first. I suspect that's all that's happening here. : )

You need to be doing your own thing while he's doing his, for your own health and sanity. Get involved in clubs, develop hobbies, do volunteer work, spend more time with your girlfriends! They probably miss having their time with just you, anyway. (I know I miss my alone time with my friends when their boyfriends are attached at the hip.) You and your boyfriend will both will begin to feel happier and more fulfilled, and you'll MUCH better enjoy the time you do spend together. You may even find that it feels more like when you first fell in love with each other!

Answer 4

Very very very healthy. You can't spend every minute of every day together, even though that's what you tend to do. We just want to hole up in the house with just our bf/gf but in the long run it ruins relationships.

You can't have a relationship between the two of you unless you have separate friends outside of it. You need the brain food from other sources.

Good Luck

lb

Answer 5

At the risk of worrying you further... I would be VERY concerned at a sudden desire to be alone. I guess you have considered that it might mean he's seeing someone else..

if not, then it still suggests his attitude towards you and your relationship has changed.

Answer 6

i read your other question and i would be concerned, he would let you read his texts if he didnt have anything to hide, he was probably trying to hit on your friend, why is your friend allowing that, you should try asking her why she is being so friendly with your boyfriend. my boyfriend is not allowed girl friends unless they are married or have boyfriends, if not, he is not allowed to see her. he doesnt get upset about it because he knows ill get upset. Me and my boyfriend so everything together too, and i find it very odd when one of his friends invite him out, but only him. but i still know what he is doing and he phoned to let me know what he is doing and who is with, and i believe him, when single girls start hanging out with your boyfriend and texting him privately, id be concerned, sorry girl but i think he is trying to look single out there, i would sit down and voice your concerns, if he gets upset and saying your not being very trusting and gets defensive rather than trying to make you feel better about whats going on, then dump him right there, he should care about how you feel.

Answer 7

Relationships continue to grow over time. These kinds of changes don't mean the relationship won't be as good. It might become better for him or for the both of you. It is healthy to spend time with friends and without your bf/gf. You should try it too.

Answer 8

When my husband and I first met, we were inseparable. We never left each other's side for a loooong time. Now we like to do things on our own because when we spend TOO MUCH time together, we fight. When we do things alone, we miss each other more and appreciate one another.

Answer 9

She's just not as social as you, so don't pressure her. Let her know that if she wants to hang out with you guys that she is always welcome to, but that you are going to stop formally inviting her because it makes you feel awkward because she always says no.

Answer 10

Be very concerned. If he isn't looking for someone new he is close, and his friends could be pressureing him to break up.