I won custody of my 14 yr old daughter last June, her dad refuses to see her now. What can I do to help her?

Question

He was found to be emotionally and verbally abusive towards her by CPS...however, the judge ordered him to get therapy over the summer months and resume visitation in the fall to reconcile with our daughter. He's disowned her instead. He won't let his family contact her nor will he or his family accept any type of contact by her or by me. She is feeling depressed and abandoned. She hides it well but some times she'll talk to me about missing the good side of her dad. She's asked me to have my b/f adopt her once were married. Since her father has disowned her she no longer wants his last name. I fear she may have abandenment issues later on or even now and get herself into trouble looking for a man to substitute as her dad. I also worry too much as it is...she's been in therapy but says she no longer needs it. I'm not so sure that she should quit therapy. How can I help her? I can't believe her father did this to her...I'm speechless.

Answer 1

You can't make someone be a father to her. I'm sure you realize that. He obviously has chosen a hard line for whatever reason. It's good she's been in therapy but if she's wanting out then I'd let her have a break. Forcing someone through therapy can do more harm then good often times.
Talk to her and make sure she understands that you support a relationship with her father if that's what she chooses to pursue. If she sees your bf as a father figure and he wants to assume that rule I see no reason not to let him adopt. However, be sure she's not just doing it to get rid of her fathers last name. You can, rather easily and cheaply, file to have her name legally changed to your maiden name or even your future married last name if that's why she is wanting the adoption. I'm not saying she shouldn't be adopted, just that it should be for the right reasons and not just a name change.
Regardless of how well YOU handle this she is still going to feel hurt, angry, and abandoned. There is no way around it. All you can do is your very best to support her and whatever decision she makes and make sure she knows that you hurt for her and what she's going through. Do not badmouth her father in any way. Someday when she looks back no things she see how you handled it with love and support without throwing barbs at her father. Whether he was a good father or not, she'll respect you for not doing it.
If you see her anger and pain causing her to make bad decisions, causing herself more pain, acting out, or getting seriously depressed then I'd pursue the therapy again.
Best of luck!

Answer 2

Keep her in therapy. She does need it even if she says differently. I had a similar situation. I also had us in family therapy. It helped me with my new spouse and how to answer questions. Shes old enough to ask also listen...even if she acts though she isn't. But be honest. NOT disrespectful toward her father. She is devastated. If you don't know an answer...tell her. She also needs to know that shes not the only one not understanding things as well. You have a hard long road that was given to you. Do the best you can, but keep the therapy!!! If you don't think you need it now, you may find out when things are much worse for her. Things can get sticky, you will also need someone to help you when she breaks down or when you do.

Answer 3

Forget him and move on. I would say that as long as you're supportive of her and you are including her fully in your life (it sounds like you are) she has every opportunity to grow up into a healthy, emotionally stable young woman. She's already been to therapy, so I'm sure she has expressed a lot in there and has learned to cope with the situation. It is a good sign to me that she wants to move on herself by having your boyfriend adopt her when you get married.

You can't expect her to not be upset about the ordeal. Yeah, he abandoned her, but she is not abandoned... does that make sense? You're there. Your boyfriend is there. That's all she needs. She has a family. I think she knows that. She will always be bitter about the event, I'm sure. Until the day she dies. Who wouldn't be? She seems to be coping with it well. Keep an eye on her, make sure she's not doing anything inappropriate to deal with her emotions and be positive. The best you can do is give her a good life and give her lots of love.

Answer 4

If she agrees Id keep her in therapy. Maybe she wont need it every week but once or twice a month. Also heres a teen hotline if she ever needs some unbiased professional to talk to in the middle of the night (or day) when shes feeling down.
Make sure she has it cuz you wont always be with her when she might need someone to talk to. You can call yourself too if you need guidance in parenting.

Girls and Boys Town National Hotline
1-800-448-3000

Call With any Problem, Anytime
Open 24 hours a day, everyday

Answer 5

Her dad lost control of the situation, so he is trying to control it by not allowing himself or his end of the family to be involved.
Your daughter can still contact her grandparents and other relatives on that end of the family... it just won't be through her dad. See if you can find the numbers of some of those relatives and trade e-mails so she can still have access to them. Maybe even have them over to a birthday party for her.

I agree that the very best thing you can do is talk about it... you can allow her to air it all out gradually, and it doesn't have to be angry.

Answer 6

Get her examined ASAP!!! you have 2 infants, you already know the indications, and residing in denial gets you no the place. She remains a baby, so now you have the duty for her wellbeing and in all probability a grandchild - the swifter you already know the swifter you could arise with a plan. If, and that i pray for you, she isn't pregnant you need to get her close supervision right this moment. She remains a baby, and she or he has shown she is irresponsible, disprespectful, and to no longer be relied on. She should not be allowed to stay abode on my own anymore. no longer in basic terms is she jeapardizing her very own destiny, she is exhibiting you that she isn't able to furnish appropriate supervision on your youthful baby. in case you may, stop your pastime, substitute jobs, or get a job that facilitates between the mothers and fathers to be abode in any respect situations. different than that, you could attempt to make preparations for her to be with a sitter or relative till you get abode. Then, you commence charging her for issues. % to bypass to the mall? fee her. She has to earn each and every cent by way of her habit, and has to pay for each thing. this could be a great occasion of ways it is going to likely be while she has a baby. considering the fact that she thinks she is mature sufficient to have intercourse, she is likewise sufficiently old to guard the different mature person issues which includes expenses. If she has no $$, she will continually have her boyfriend chip in and notice how long he sticks around.

Answer 7

You can talk with her therapist.. of course, he can't tell you the content of their sessions, but you could ask the therapist if they recommend her going for a while longer.. You could also let the therapist know your fears about her and abandonment issues, and perhaps looking for a man to take her dad's place in life...

Her father did this to himself, too. Your daughter isn't unlucky to have him out of her life. She doesn't need a person like him around her...... but the shame is, i'm sure his family might miss her and it's too bad your ex has such control over them. Believe me, if my son and his wife split up, i'd keep in touch with my granddaughter, if i could.

I hope things work out.

Answer 8

she will be alright. she just has to learn how to forget about pain caused by other people. its not really that hard. im sure if you and her are making an effort to deal with it it will not affect her later on in life in any negative way.

talking is the best thing. dont let her hold it in, let her know she can talk to you about it. and encourage her to be open with her close friends too.

Answer 9

I would still make her go to therapy. They will help her, and understand what she has been dealt with. Some men treat kids like objects instead of people he sounds like one of them.

Answer 10

By all means let your husband adopt her .Her dad isnt fit to shine her shoes.She needs a father figure in her life, and if your husband will do a good job at it ,let him!