Help! I am 24 and can't get along with my mom!?

Question

I relize this sounds bad and it tears me up inside! everything in me wants to get along with her...and she is so nice to me, she is helping me through law school, she bought me a condo, gives me almost anything I need or want (although I don't ask for much these days)....here's the problem: she had a rough childhood so she never really grew up (personality wise) she is a workaholic so I have issues with her putting her children 2nd after work my entire life. I don't live in the same state as her and everytime I see her we fight like crazy (mostly me getting frustrated, actually I am mean)I get annoyed at her b/c she talks to me like I am 10, she never gives me straight answers and everything is some stupid corny joke. She alwasy has to be the center of attention and is so loud and always trying to make people laugh...she is constantly hyper (it drives me crazy)...she can't calm down to have a normal adult conversation. I feel so guilty because I miss her so much and I love her

We went on a family vacation this summer and I was exhausted one day and asked her so nicely to make me something to eat...and she said "what will you do for me" and gave me such a hard time about making me something...

This is just 1 example of stuff that angers me...shouldn't a mom just make her daughter food (I only see her 5 times a year)

Sorry so many details but I have to add...I have tried telling her my feelings about this so many times, she knows she annoys me so much but it seems to make her act hyper and obnoxious even more...sometimes and by sometimes I mean rarely when it is just her and I she is easy to get along with but this is maybe 1 or 2 hours a year.

Answer 1

First off this is your mother, not your friend. You aren't ever going to have a normal, adult conversation, there is too much between you.

Second, your mother, is doing the best she can. Her upbringing caused her to be a hyper workaholic but its apparently in your best interest because you would not be able to concentrate on your future if she hadn't provided things to take the stress off of you, like buying you a place to live.

Ok, so she made mistakes, and she isn't dealing very well with the transition from teenager and adult daughter. Honey, most mothers don't. No where are we told what to expect from ourselves when our children grow up and don't really need us in the way we already know. We are torn between doing too much for you, and watching you struggle in the ways we had to.

Give your mother a break and stop fighting your love for her. You have plenty of time in your life to come to grips with your disappointments, but lets face it, one day you are going to be in the same position. If you don't think its a struggle to raise children while working in the profession you are entering, you are going to be very unpleasantly surprised. Don't you dare say you will do it differently, because you may have to eat those words. You have no way of knowing if you will be the soul support of your child/ren, and you may need to work yourself to death to provide them with a reasonably comfortable life. Just like your mother.

In the past year I have had to help my daughter, who is your age. She has always handled her own life, but this past year, through no fault of her own, things happened and she needed help. It eats at her that she has to take my help, even though its offered with no consequences and nothing expected back. I'm glad to do it. I'm sure your mom is too. No one helped me do anything when I was your age, and I imagine it was the same for your mom.

My daughters call me every day, even if its just for a few seconds(most of the time it is)of just telling each other our days. I did things wrong when I raised them, but that is in the past and I can't change it. However every day, I am their mother, I'm nurturing them still and I support them. I don't always like their choices, but I'm behind them 150%.

I'm sure your mom feels out of place and awkward. Like I said no one prepares a mother to raise an adult daughter. Its a dance to not get too close while becoming ever closer. I think you should put your complaints aside and simply get to know your mother as a person, not the person you resent. Stop being mean to her. Its breaking her heart. That's why she dances around conversations with you, she doesn't know what will set you off but she's sure she doesn't want to be hurt again. Get counseling if you need to gain the tools to deal with your anger. No mother is a workaholic by choice, my guess is that she works herself to death because she's too scared no to. You never know when that will end, I had a stroke last year, life changes in a blink of a second. Then what happens to you? Who puts you through law school then?

You are probably alot like your mom, and that scares you and that makes you want to lash out at her. Take a look at that and see if it feels right. You are a lucky girl, I wish my mother gave a rats *ss about me when I was 24.

Answer 2

You know something.. I am going to be brutally honest with you here...

It sounds to me like you need to just grow up and get over it already. What's done is done. It didn't scar you for life, and you DO love your mother. It's time to move on now. You should be so glad that she was a workaholic and gave you everything you ever needed. You're a grown woman now. She's hyper and always needs to be the center of attention? Well, you're the one that's allowing it to happen. The second she acts that way, don't give her any attention at all. TALK to her about it. Don't play the blame game or anything like that. Just let her know how much you love her and want her in your life, but things need to change.

Answer 3

Well it definately sounds like you two are very different, but remember that you only have one mother in this life, and when she's gone there's no turning back. I suggest that you accept her for who she is, parents do the best job they know how to do, I firmly believe that. You need to sit down and talk to her and tell her how she makes you feel when she talks to you like your 10, you also need to sit down and talk to yourself and ask yourself how you must make her feel when you are mean to her, and you get annoyed with her? That can't make her feel very good either. Being the center of attention, and being loud and making jokes, that seems to be her personality, and just because it's not yours doesn't mean there is anything wrong with that. Jokes could also be a coping mechanism of hers for whatever reason only she'll know, it could like you said earlier come from her childhood if it was rough, that has played a part in who she's become I'm sure, and maybe that's why shes so successfull, because she CAN'T fail, she probably told herself that a long time ago, and maybe she makes jokes so that she doesn't cry. My advice to you is to first accept her for who she is, and don't be mean to her, trust me you will regret it. Mend the relationship before it's too late, and if you have to do most of the work with that, then so be it. You'll thank yourself later.

Answer 4

Sounds like you're absolutely right about her childhood affecting her. It will be hard to get her to drop that 'wall' she's hiding behind with the jokes and the hyper behaviour.

With her being out of state, it's also hard because when you do get to visit, it's brief. All I can say is that you could TRY to get her alone where there aren't any distractions...like when you're sitting at your house (or hers) together and no one else is around. Talk to her and tell her..."Something is really bothering me. I really need you to listen." and tell her how you feel about WANTING to be close to her, but not knowing how. Tell her how you feel, in the most non-threatening way you can. Don't accuse her of dumping on you and your sibling due to work though, because most likely, she thought she WAS putting you first by working so hard. If you can get her to slow down long enough to talk, she may listen and it may sink in.

That 'food' problem you had...actually, I think her COMMENT was a bit harsh, but she's not required to cook for you. She's your mom, but you're the one who wants to be treated like an adult. Personally, I wouldn't DREAM of asking my mother to fix me something to eat. As an adult, I don't ask to be waited on.

You may NEVER get her to stop treating you like you're 10. Parents do that sometimes. Grandparents do that, too. To them, you've always been one of the 'kids' and you probably always will be. When that happens, just remember that there are TONS of people in the exact same situation. You just have to keep the age gap in mind, and move beyond it.

Answer 5

My mom used to drive me nuts too because she talked all the time. When we were in the car going shopping she would talk, talk, talk about the same thing over and over and over. Nothing important and a lot of gossip about other people.
Drove me nuts.
Then in 1996 she had a stroke and couldn't talk very good any more. Her friends wouldn't talk to her anymore because they couldn't understand what she was trying to say. She would get frustrated and quit trying. Then, too, I would have to translate for her and half the time I didn't know what she was talking about either.
I would go to her house and fix her meals and help her until she died last year. I took her shopping and to church every week and anywhere else she wanted to go. It was a lot of work because she needed a lot of help.
I actually felt my mother died when she had the stroke and I was taking care of another person those 9 years, but deep inside it was really her.
She grew up in the depression and in her adult life had secrets that she had told no one, but I found out about.
Sometimes we have to tolerate a lot about our family because there is so much we don't know about their past and they probably don't want to tell it.
Maybe she is feeling bad because of the way she raised you and didn't have time for you.
Just be glad she is still with you and love her for who she is.
Sometimes you just have to be more tolerant of some people.

Answer 6

Well, all I can say is I'm coming up on a year without my mother, she died last year on Dec 15. I resented her being sick and had taken care of her for 8 years prior...so it was a long drawnout affair...and I got tired of her, and I wished her to be the way she used to be, and it got harder and harder to worry about her all the time.

She and I had some dandy fights. But I miss her terribly now...and I would give anything to see her again.

So my advice is that both of you take stock of what you have in each other, and learn to appreciate it before one of you loses the other.

One thing I have learned in my life, is that if you are hurtful or push people away long enough, eventually they will give up on you. They don't want to...just like you might not want to give up on your mom. But you feel like you just might if she doesn't start to value you more? Because it hurts. But maybe she is starting to feel the same way. You can always find a reason to build a wall and keep someone out. It is much much harder to take those walls down and let someone in. But it has to be done or you will live a life of regret.

Answer 7

Firstly, have you tried telling her that you love her?
That's key, as far as I can see. You need to let her know how you're feeling, telling her you love her might make her lower her guard, and open up to what you have to say. If you can't say it in person, there's always a letter. And she can come back to a letter whenever she wants to.
I really think you need to sort this out otherwise it's going to eat away at you and you'll never be happy until it's fixed.
Family really is the most important thing at this time of year.
Good luck!

Answer 8

As bad as it may be, just think about how you're going to miss those corny jokes, and her making everyone laugh, when she's gone. Some people try to live their childhood when they're older because they lacked one in their youth. Try to deal with it, just like you said you hardly get to see her, stop thinking of the negatives and look at the positives, you love her and she loves you, do a little something for her and make sacrifices such as accepting her for who she is.

Answer 9

You should feel guilty you sound ungrateful for all she has done for you. Most women don't have mothers that can or will help them as your mother has. How can you say she puts work first and her kids second when she has bought an adult woman ( you ) her daughter a condo and is paying for law school????? Geez if she didn't work like crazy she couldn't do those things for you. You need proffessional help. Youa re 24 grow the heck up.... she has handed you a successful life on a silver platter... what are you whinning about?????

Answer 10

Look ! without going in details.You have to know that your mother is the only person that REALLY feels happy or sad for you & she is the only person that wants you to be better than her.

May be I am telling you that because I losted my Mom 2 years ago, may be because I am a mother & this is the way I feel towards my kids, I don't know !! But take care & benefit from the treasure you have.