Family in-laws are free loaders, what's a wife to do?!?

Question

I am so frustrated, my hubby and I have 2 kids, a lot of bills, and i am a stay at home mom. We want to make some savings for the raining days, but we just can't seem to be able to do it all due to his side of the family.
Everyone except for his brother wants money from us. Either car payment, or rent or after-school care for the nephew, they call to ask for help. We try to say no, but sometimes they tell us if we don't help, they would be evicted from the apt or have their cars in-pounded. Every month, we cut out our expenses to help their "emergencies", but i don't think it's fair for my own children, my family, we work so hard, we should enjoy our earnings.
This year, they are coming for xmas, not only they ask for expensive gifts, they also wants us to cover their air fair. What the.......?! My hubby isn't saying a think, except " just this once" but it's happened so many times....

What's a frustrated wife to do?

Answer 1

I understand that it is hard to say no, when it is family. None of us want our family evicted, car taken etc.., But these people are grown up, just like you. Constantly fixing their problems for them is not teaching them anything.
Everyone has an emergency every once in a while and we have all needed help from time to time but if someone keeps having emergencies and keeps needing help, something is wrong.
When your husband took you as a wife and when the two of you had children, he made a vow to put you first. That includes in front of his family.
My husband and I had a rule. Neither of us could lend more than $50 to a family member without having to discuss it and agree about it together. Also it was a loan, never a gift. If they didn't pay us back, then they don't get any more loans until they do.
As far as them coming for the holiday, that's ridiculous. If you can't pay for it, you certainly can't come. If they can't even pay their bills then why would they even think about missing work and going out of town for the holiday?
Your husband has to put down his foot. If they do end up coming for Christmas, he needs to stand up and let them know that the bank of him is closed.

Answer 2

Ask hubby "What does he want for Christmas to pay for his family's air fare and expensive gifts OR to pay for his children to have a good Christmas.?"

Every time his family has an emergency make a point of saying "Well there goes so & so's school shoes!" or "That will have to come out of our power bill" etc

Also next year make a list of each person's "emergency" and how much they "borrowed" (make sure you have the date how much you gave them and what for - in the list)
Work out how much you would spend on a gift for that person, take the borrowed money off that price and present a copy of it to the person, together with a gift to the balance - if any.

If they are missing out on a gift that someone else is getting they will soon get the message.

Answer 3

You and your hubby are going to have to be of one mind on this. It can be a very hard thing to quit propping up needy relatives, but when the situation is taking down your family too, I'd say it's time to draw the line. You can bet your last dollar they won't be there to help *you* when there's a problem and you don't have any pad left.

As long as your family is rescuing these other folks, there's no reason for them to stand on their own feet. You're not doing yourselves or them any favors.
Sit down with your fella and let him know "This is not working and we can't do it like this anymore."
Then see about setting up automatic payroll deduction into an IRA so that the money is out of reach - you can honestly say "I'm sorry. We don't have it to send you."

Answer 4

You need to talk with your husband seriously privately. This should stop right now or you will be right there with those losers with no money. Tell your husband you are starting a new tradition this year and staying home alone with only your immediate 4 family members. I cant believe you let this go on. Of course their car will be impounded and of course they will be evicted because THEY brought it on themselves. You are doing your children a HUGE disservice to watch the freeloaders. Charity begins at home, paying your OWN bills. Congratulations for sacrificing to be a stay at home mom. You are a good mother except for this issue. Now solve it and Have a wonderful Christmas.

Answer 5

Cancel Christmas, change your phone number or move, and tell your hubby to get a backbone. Helping out family is one thing but being someone's personal bank is another thing. These relatives are adults and are capable of making own decision and living with the consequences of those decisions. You are lending this money, are they paying you back or what?? Until you and hubby both put your foot down this cycle will continue. Don't let them use guilt to force you to give them money. As long as you allow yourself to be manipulated in this manner this will continue no matter what. Stand up and tell them that the bank is permanently closed.

Answer 6

I know it is very frustrating but family is family. But as a wife we should be able to tell them NO sometimes. Also looking at do they have their own job? Why is it they cant do for themselves? Because they know that your husband is willing and in the long run like you said your children suffer. But it shouldn't be that way.Just take a deep breath and tell your Husband NO. If they want to fly instead of drive that's their expenses not your responsibility. In that case your family should go see them then you wont be out of the cash. From Married mother of 5.

Answer 7

Getting evicted is one thing, but expensive gifts. Get them whatever you want to. Why cant they take the greyhound. Giving is a special thing anf the people you are giving to might really need it, so dont sweat the small stuff. I think its extreme to demand the kind of stuff you want though. If it were youre family you might feel the way your husband does. To stop feeling so fustrated, keep on reminding your self youre doing it for charity. Further you cant be a stay at home mom forever, so eventually you'll get your savings taken care of.

Answer 8

You don't have any personal boundaries and are an enabler.... your husband's side of the family knows you will bend and help them.

EXPECT ADULTS to TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.. You are never responsible for their car or rent payments... or electric bills or groceries.... You aren't responsible for making them happy or brightening their day, either.

You have two children, your own home and responsibilities, and your own bills... what would happen if you didn't make payments? I guess your electric would be turned off and you would not have a place to live.

Your husband probably works hard for his income, and for you and the kids.... he isn't doing it for those on the outside.

You and your husband might want to do a yahoo search on SETTING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES, and ENABLING. Take care of YOUR OWN FAMILY... and expect other, able-bodied adults to do the same.

If it's the last thing you do, start setting boundaries and limits.. stop enabling and giving people money.... make it a christmas present to yourself!
hapy holidays....

Answer 9

You need to put your foot down. You and the kids are the first priority and that is how your money should go. If they can't afford things then that is their fault and not your problem. Talk to your husband calmly and tell him that he needs to put his family first. As long as you give them money they keep asking.

Answer 10

You need to put your foot down to your husband. Sometimes it is hard to say no to our family, but you have to. Charity starts at home. If you guys keep giving and giving, you will really be in need. Then who is going to help you? Pray and talk to your husband. God Bless