My daughter has called, but did not apologize for the nasty letter?

Question

Ok, It's been 2 weeks since my daughter sent me the nasty E-mail telling me I am not the gramma she thought I would be, she had disowned me, telling me not to call until I was preparred to spend more time with my grandchildren, of whom I did see at least twice a week, I work and take care of my Mother of 88, I love my children and grandchildren but only have so much time left after all of my daily duties and responsibilities.
Any way she finally called me to say that the baby has pnemonia and the 4 year old has a cold and she thought I should know! There was no mention of the hurtful letter she had sent me and no apology.
I love my daughter and miss my grandchildren, but feel that she should at least say sorry Mom I had a bad day and my hormones are out of wack (she is pregnant also)

I am still sick over the whole thing and I don't know what to do, I feel she has no respect for me and I am afraid she will hurt me even more.
I am so upset, I need some advice on what to do?

I also have 2 other children and another grandaughter belonging to my son, my husband has family that we seldom get to visit because of the kids

Answer 1

Do you remember the old saying,"Love means never having to say you're sorry?" I think that her apology was in the fact that she contacted you again after saying she disowned you. I have had many falling outs with my children, but when they reappear, I silently forgive them, and we go on from there. I had a huge falling out with my mother about 25 years ago. I lived on the same street she did, but did not talk to her for five years. The day my brother was killed, she was at the hospital, and again, I silently forgave her. What a wasted five years that was! There were so many things we could have shared in that time that we can never, now, recover. Your daughter and grandchildren need you, ALL THE TIME. Family is who you go to vent to. Family is who you share good times and bad. Sure, you'll get stung often, but she probably does, too. Family is knowing someone always has your back. She doesn't need to apologize. You've already forgiven her, you are just stung because she didn't. Go and see her, don't bring it up, walk in and hug her. In that moment everything will be alright. Bless you all.

I just want to add this, to make myself clear: I gave my children life, and have a responsibility to them first. My mother is also ailing, and I help her as much as I can, but my first duty is to my children, and she understands that. I have given my children strict orders to take care of their own first and their father and I will take care of ourselves, or find other means. The falling out I had with my mother was because she put everyone before her children, (I might add, my brother's death would have been averted had she put his needs before her new husbands), her father, brothers, sister, neighbors and friends all came first. They still do, which is why I only help when I can. You reap what you sow. My children's needs will always come first.

Answer 2

There have been so many great answers but here's my 2 cents...she wrote the email on impulse and it was very nasty. But I don't think she intended for you to take it totally literally. She was just lashing out at someone, and you were It. I doubt if she really believes the things she wrote. She just felt like she "should" have more "help" and that mommies are there for that purpose! She may not even remember what she wrote in the email!

Bottom line, her phone call was a combination olive branch and guilt trip. She apparently desperately needs help with all her burdens but the 88 year old mother is even MORE helpless and burdensome. So that's how it is.

If she writes another similar email, send a reply saying you will not read any more like it, as it's disrespectful. Love, Mom.

Answer 3

Oh dear sounds like your daughter is one of those young generation that thinks the world should come to a screeching halt for them.You know you dont deserve that crap from your own kids.YOU sound like you are obviousely a very busy woman.With lots of responsiblities of your own.What you need to do is call your daughter and tell her in a very nice and kind way that you didnt appriciate the call.THat just because she is grown doesnt mean your life ended and all you have time to do is spend it taking care of her and her kids.YOu also have many responsibilities like a job and your mother.And that one day she will be faced with the same.Tell her you love her very much and hope from now on she shows you the same respect you show her.Stay clam even if she gets mad just say sorry you feel that way but you love her very much and from now on she is to treat you the way you treat her.Our children sometimes forget we are individual people and have feelings and a agenda for our own lifes that dont always enclude them all the time.Two days a week seeing the grand kids is a lot.My kids grandparents lived in the same town and rearly ever seen them.I guess what Im trying to say is dont beat yourself up.Take a stand for your own well being.....Good luck

Answer 4

I think you need to talk to her about the letter. Try and let her explain her views and then explain yours. honestly, I'm not sure how much good it would do. It sounds as if she is being unreasonable. If you already see the kids a couple times a week, what more does she want? Or is this really about her having too many kids for her to hande and wanting you to help out with their care i.e. babysitting while she does other things? Try not to burn your bridges with her if you can help it cause your grandchildren miss you, I'm sure, but set limits based on your capacity for time and stick to them. Good luck!

Answer 5

I would accept the phone call as an apology. Sometimes it's worth it just to give up a little pride and allow the other person a little space knowing what you know about her situation. It's best to address things as they are happening. If she goes off on you again, let her know that you understand that she is upset but that you really didn't do anything to deserve what she's saying. If you can approach her with kindness and consideration then she might do the same for you...

Answer 6

It sounds like you and your daughter need to have a long talk. I am sorry the children are sick and I'm sorry she is pregnant but you are still responsible for what you say and do.
You need to talk about what exactly it is that she wants and needs from you and then you need to be very honest about what you are prepared to do and not to do. Explain your situation to her as far as your working, caring for your mother and having a right to your own life as well.
Bottom line, you have raised your children and those are her children and her responsibility, not yours. Anything you do with them or for them, is a plus. She really has little right to many expectations from you.
All relationships have expectations and need guidelines and boundaries. Your daughter and your relationship has changed with the addition of grand children, it is just time to redefine these boundaries.
Good Luck!

Answer 7

She's selfish, overwhelmed and needing help. She's angrily telling you that she misses you, she needs your help, and she's just so mad that she doesn't get to visit with you whenever she wants. Let it go. Forgive her. Tell her you forgive her but you are her mother and you will only tolerate those type of outbursts so many times before you start taking it personally :-) Let her know you'll help when you can, but you never expected your mom to be at your beck and call. Tell her they're called Grandmothers, not beck-and-call girls!

Sounds like everybody is busy, and everybody's life is so full. It's a point of gratitude, but it isn't your fault that her life is overwhelming - she chose it.

Answer 8

Your mother is 88, I think that says it all. My mother has told me a few, very hurtful things and the next time I see her it's like nothing happened. Their mind doesn't work as it used to and we need to understand and forgive their outbursts.
Get over your hurt feelings, and do the best of the good times you may still have together.

Answer 9

your daughter knowing all of the circumstances is not
only wrong, but shallow. its amazing you can even see the
grandkids twice a week with your schedule.
politely give her a taste of her own medicine.
you could text message her back, telling her you are hurt
and remind her she had disowned you.
remind her all you have to do and you spend as much
time as possible with the grandkids.
i would make it plain to her an apology to you is in order.