Would I be wrong? Please give advice.?

Question

My mother has cancer and is living with me. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with an 8 month old and an 8 year old children. There is no other room in the apartment. I am a student fulltime and work part time. My mother is enrolled with hospice. She has been getting worse for the last couple of months. She had 2 surgeries to remove some of the cancer in her liver to prolong her life but it seems to have made her worse. She can do for herself but she wont. I cant even get her to take a bath (please no ewww or make fun) I am the only child (25) and the only other family is my aunt who has a 4 bedroom house. She wont help me with finding my mom a better living enviornment. Would I be wrong to place her in an assisted living facility? I want her to live with me, but I only have a small 2 bedroom and no money to move to a bigger place. I make sure she gets her meds but thats all I can do, having 2 young kids myself. She has medicare. Is assisted living the best, or will I be wrong to do this

By the way her eating habits are like night and day. She nibbles on things here and there. she wakes up 3 or times at night. She doesn't really move much. I am worried about her, but I don't think she is comfortable. She needs her own space, in a bed not on a sofa.

Answer 1

This is one of the hardest things to do. Ultimately the decision is going to be made by you, and you will be the one to live by it. I two had 2 at the same time with cancer. My Mom and My dad. I had just had my 4th or 5th surgery, and right fresh out of the hospital. Dead middle of winter with snow up to my knees, and had to walk through it 800 feet to administer their medicine, and feed them and clean them. My mother could not talk, and I had to prepare their food liquid, feed by syringe into a tube through my fathers side, then flush it, and clean a bag on his chest because anything that went into his mouth emptied into a bag on his chest. Even though I had three brothers that never lifted a finger. They both have passed on, and I have never regretted it. I was laid up so I didn't miss work as I had received an Injury from a fall of 80 feet, which made me permanently disabled, making my decision to keep their wishes of dying at home. I think you have your hands full. I am a man, and I just said this is how it is, since you raised me as a baby changed my diapers, fed me, and gave me bath's, and took care of me, It's my turn to take care of you which consisted of baths, and the whole works, and this is not a time for modesty. I praise God I never had any problems. We don't wanty to do it, but if it need be done then someone has to step up to the plate. I believe you would be right in getting her assisted living, and sometimes they end up enjoying it very much ,thinking they wouldn't in the beginning. I believe you should continue with your schooling, and taking care of your house and children. I would suggest you don't forget her, and visit every time you possibly have a chance including those times you don't really feel like it. It's a hard situation my heart goes out to you. But she also has to do for herself, and they will push her to do so. If she refuses she has given up on life! Please don't hold hard feelings towards your aunt, it is a responsibility of ours as their kids. There is plenty of hate and misery in this old world already.

Answer 2

I was recently faced with the same type of decision, and had to place my mom in a hospice. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is find an assisted living facility. They will be able to care for her more than you could, with all of your responsibilities and lack of space, etc.

As a mom, I would never want to put my daughter in the position that you are in - I wouldn't want that for her. At the facility - if you choose a good one - there will be 24 hr care, where meds can be administered consistently, as well as check-ups and personal grooming.

You only have so much energy to give, and any time that is spent trying to deal with your mother is being taken away from your children, schooling & employment.
All the best to you and your family!

Answer 3

If hospice has been called in, your mom doesn't have long to live. Sounds as if she has given up (not bathing, etc.). Don't give up on her.

After living with you, I think it would be rejection to send her to an assisted living at this point in time. If you need more room, talk to your mom about getting a bigger apartment with her helping with the expenses. That way she can have a room and it won't cost you any more than what you have now.

Hospice usually thinks in terms of weeks and months. Don't bail out on your mom now. I know it's tough, but you won't regret your choice next year at this time.

Answer 4

It seems an assisted living facility may be the best thing for both of you. You will get the peace you need knowing that some one is there to take care of your mom at all times of the day and your life may return to somewhat normal. If anything god forbid would happen to your mom she would have the care and services right there for her. As long as you are sure the facility is a qualified place to care for your mom then I think that it may be the best.

Answer 5

I think its the most loving thing you could do for your mother.
I work with hospice a lot and I know families struggle with this all of the time. If your mother is put in an extended care facility, someone is there 24/7 and have time to spend with her even during her waking hours at nite.
They can support her every need and you can relax knowing someone is there for her.

Answer 6

It boils down to the fact that you are physically and financially unable to give her the care she needs at this point. In an assisted living facility they would make sure she bathed and ate- that's what you pay them for. If you can't provide the care she needs, you owe it to her to get her to someone who can. If she resists you'll have to explain to her that her care is the most important thing to you now and you don't have the resources to do more than you're doing- which just isn't enough.
I understand how you'd feel guilty but it really sounds like it would be the best thing for her- unless you can afford a private nurse or someone to actually come to your place to care for her- I mean, if you can afford assisted living you could probably afford a proper bed and a visiting nurse- but that's totally your decision.

Answer 7

Spead with your aunt about this first before you do anything. Also, speak with your mother and tell her that it is impossible for you to be able to care for her the way she needs to be cared for. With her refusing to help herself, it leaves you with no choice other than to place her in assisted living. If you are adament about her living with you, speak with her medicaid and hospice about having a home health nurse to come into your home and care for her while you are away. These are your only two options. Your mother has to help herself as well. If she doesn't, then she will soon be to where she can't. I have seen it happen too many times. One thing that you need to do before placing her in assisted living is to get every piece of property she owns, if any, out of her name and into yours or your aunts, or even your children's. This will keep her assets safe. But, you will have to make out a bill of sale and have her sign it for more than four years prior to placing her into the housing. If you do not do this, then they will take it all and leave you and your family with nothing of hers. They will then have all of this and the money that has to be paid to them. They will get everything they can.....which should be illegal.

Answer 8

I dont think that you'd be wrong. You're young and you've done what you could. You have 2 kids that you need to take care of, and I'm sure your mom will understand that. Theres only so much you can do, and in an assisted living place she'll get the care she needs 24/7.

Answer 9

My family and I were in a similar situation with my Grandma. We tried everything to keep her home but there was no way. It came down to what was best for her. We love her very much but we knew that we could not give her the time or the kind of care she needed. So we had to put her in a facitlity. That was what was best for her. You may have to do that for your mom as well. Can you give her the kind of care that she needs and the time? It is not being selfish if you feel you need to place her somewhere. You have kids of your own that you need to take care of. Talk to your mom and tell her how you feel. If you choose to place her make sure she is well aware that if there was some way to keep her home you would. You got to do what is best for her as well as for you and your kids. Good luck to you and sorry about your mother

Answer 10

I can understand your dilemma. My mother in-law recently passed away from a brain tumor. I would be lying if I said it was easy taking care of her. Do you realize that hospice care is provided to those that are in the final phase of their life.
I know this is a trying time for you but you need to enjoy "EVERY" moment with your Mom. Soon you will have only memories of her, if you don't enjoy the time with her now you will certainly feel like you should have or could have spent more time with her. Let her know that you love her and that you want to help her with what ever she needs but she needs to help you by doing what she can for herself. as for getting her to bathe, we had that problem as well. it is not an easy thing to do but you need to be tactful and put your foot down. if she is able to bathe herself tell her that she isn't helping you by not bathing and if she is not able to bathe herself then you are going to have to bathe her or have the hospice care-giver do it.
May you find Peace and Understanding during this trying time