Am I mentally disturbed or is he?

Question

My husband tells me I am not rational and my way of thinking is messed up. I have suffered from depression in the past (after my first marraige which was abusive and the christians around me telling me I was a sinner for getting divorced, making me feel like crap). But I recovered and met my new husband. He is on his second marriage too (he says the problem with his first wife was her lack of interest in him). And he currently works abroad to be close to his kids. I'm due to move out there next week. But the past few months he critizises me alot. I have been emotional about emigrating&leaving my family, but at the same time I was excited about being with my husband, alhtough I don't really like the country he's working in. Anyhow he likes to know what I do and where I go and ask his opinion on it.
I went out last week during the day and it took a week for him to forgive me. We made up but last night he started telling me again about

various things I've done (or not done) in the past that upsets him (not cheating or anything! Minor things to most people but big issues to him, thats the point). He was meant to do something for me but he refused as he feels I no longer deserve it. He also won't send any photos of the flat he's prepared for me as 'I don't deserve it'. Sometimes i've stood up to him and I do get emotional and said my family would think he was a jerk if they knew how he was acting (I didn't say he was a jerk). I've apologised so much, but he's said noone has ever talked to him as I am and I am mentally deranged and sick (and stupid &a lot of other things).
I think we may be heading for divorce and he's said I don't deserve him and I don't respect him. But I do I love him so much, he just doesn't like me to have ANY independence (even the independence of having my own opinion)
Who is the crazy one here?

He's just emailed my parents to tell them about 'my issues' .

What is going on?

Answer 1

Your man is the crazy one .. Even in a marriage , each person needs a lil time to themselves, I would not move in with him , an leave my family behind if I were you. Once he gets you away from your Family .. good luck on ever seeing them again.

Answer 2

It sounds like you've moved from one abusive marriage straight into another. From the details you've shared with us it sounds like he is acting in an emotionally abusive and controlling way. I think you need to look long and hard at what you get from this relationship as aside from the fact that you say you love him you have not mentioned anything positive about either this man or the state of your marriage. It could be that there are lots of good things which you haven't mentioned but from your story I worry that once you have moved out there you will have no life of your own, no freedom and no independence at all. This is not a good thing.

I would seriously consider sorting out some counselling before you take the step of moving to another country with your husband. It could be that you are both just going through a rough patch, if that's the case then counselling will help both of you sort out what's going on. You might also want to look into taking a course on assertiveness and self esteem, as being told that you don't deserve your partner is going to be very damaging. No one that truly loves you would say such a thing, and if you loved yourself you would not tolerate hearing it said to you. So I think a course like that would help.

This is just my opinion, in the end only you can know what feels right to you.

Answer 3

well thats a tough one cause there is always two sides to every story and we only know yours however, if your is accurate as can be then you need to go to a marriage counsllor or get rid of him or put your foot down and tell him to bugger off. He sounds like he is trying to control you. Also you said you were in an abusive relationship in the past sometimes ppl tend to relive the past if you know what i mean, they tend to be attracted to the same kind of ppl and maybe you just found yourself another man who is abusive just in another form. Perhaps you should get some counselling yourself and work out any issues you have that are making you attracted to these sort of guys and deal with your self esteem or what ever it is and then get yourself a new man one you do deserve who treats you like gold. Goodluck. and dont' let him tell you how to live your life.

Answer 4

Nether one of you is crazy ok...he has control issues( as he wants to control you and he feeds of you emotions)and you have insecurity issues due to your past and other ppls judgement of you.some mix a control freak with an insecure women and you have a pretty hard life.......perhaps some marriage coucilling would help....if he were will to go....if not there is no way i would be moving to a different country with a husband whom treated me like a child telling me i did not derserve things(thats emotional abuse)and you prolly did call him a jerk and in your situation is clear to see why.The fact that you have said you have had to stand up to him sujjests that you are right under his control without even realizing it.
so you have options coucilling things would most certainly be put into perspective with that you would both know where you are at.If he is not willing to do that then....you can put up with it as you love him sooo much or you could leave him and get on with your life.
You dont have to be treated the way you are being treated so you need to figure out what options you have and what best suit you.
good luck and all the best.

Answer 5

You are crazy to even think of staying with this man. This man is going to be abuseive. He is allready being mentally abusive. Physical abuse is not far away. You are about to be totally alienated from all your friends and family by moving abroad to be with him. I understand you love him, but that is where the crazy part comes in. Women who have been abused before tend to seek out that same type of man. I really think you need to talk with a professional before moving abroad. Take your question and all the replies and tell the professional what has been going on.

Please don't move abroad before talking with a professional.

Answer 6

Girl, get the hell out of there!! That is way to controlling!! You might want to talk to his ex and find out the real reason of the divorce. Don't let any person control your opinions or thoughts. Then you are just a puppet in their hands. Take care hun and the best of luck to you!

Answer 7

He is. This is scary & abusive to you. No one should control you. you should receive love & support from a husband. Look online at the info about domestic abuse. Emotional abuse can be worse than hitting. If you are not sure of him, which sounds right on the money, Do Not move away from your family. They are your security. Make whatever changes you have to in life to be independant, but please don't move with him while you are in such a vulnerable position. You should be valued as an indiviual. Please confide in your family/friends and let them help you. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

Well, he sounds emotionally abusive. It is NOT OK to hold a grudge for a week, to insult you, criticize you, or keep things from you. It is very unfair. If he won't agree to counseling and really, really change, I'd get out while you can. You deserve to have a man in your life that loves and RESPECTS you.

Answer 9

When you step onto / off that plane, you may be losing your personal rights as a person and a woman for the final time.

This guy is CONTROLLING and emotionally abusive. For you to feel you need to repeatedly apologize is not a good place to be for your own mental health.

When outside the US, he will only gain more control over you.

Answer 10

Both of you.

What he is doing is setting the stage for future abuse my dear. All the statements he is making are statements that many physically abusive husbands use to keep their wives in "their places".

I would be very afraid to move to another country, leaving my support system (family & friends) behind to live with someone so controlling.

Last thought, have you spoken to his ex wife? In divorces, as in most things, there are 3 sides to the story...his, hers and the truth. You only have one side. Just a thought.

Good luck to you.