What do you do when your 10 year old son has no friends? Even worse you don't like him!!?

Question

My son is very emotional and can cry at the littlest thing. He doesnt share or accept that taking part in activities is fun he always wants to win although as not the most coordinated child this isnt very often. Although it is difficult to admit his behaviour can be very frustrating and I often think I love him more than anything but I dont like him and that hurts. What is more I am sure he picks up on this.I have attempted everything when he is with me to build up his confidence but nothing works. I have spoken with other children in his school and they just say he is annoying, crys at everything and tells the teacher on everyone for the littelst thing. I understand that it must be in part to do with the way I have brought him up but his younger brother is the exact opposite. Happy to take any advise but not sure which way to go. Thinking of taking him to councelling along with myself in an attempt to deal with this but wanted to know if anyone else had ideas I could try.

Answer 1

WHAT !!!! You are the one who needs a slap, you are talking about your child.!!! You need to sort yourself out
how can you bring yourself to say that you dont like your child. Surely your kids problems start with the fact that you are prepared to openly make a statement like that.
LEARN PARENTING QUICKLY !!!

Answer 2

First of all, i really feel for him that he has no friends at school, put yourself in his shoes , you would be miserable if you had no friends. You have to find the fun between him and you again, ask him what he would like to do , would he like to go for a hot chocolate with you on his own or go to the cinema. Make the time to spend with just him. His confidence must be at rock bottom. Find him an activity that he can be good at, not everybody is good at team sports, some children find it really hard . Archerery is a sport that involves some team coordination, as the kids have to wait until they have all shot their arrows before retrieving them, but they can be individual as well. I think you have to talk to him about his crying, tell him that he is getting older and he needs to be aware about the impact crying has on making friends. Make a pact with him at home that if he goes through the day without crying or making a fuss then you will reward him with x number of points, and give him a goal to work towards when he has so many points he can get a special prize. If he has problems with coordination are you sure he is coping with school, does he need extra help, could he be dyslexic or have a learning problem. This could make him frustrated. If there is no problem then you need to work on his coodination. There are lots of games you can play to improve this. Your teacher might be able to help. These are just ideas for you.
Take care

Answer 3

I have a friend who's son is exactly the same as the way you describe your son when they come to visit he is a nightmare and his mum also told me that at school he is exactly the same hardly any friends and tells on every small thing.His mum was also at her wits end untill he was referred to a psychologist and was diagnosed with ADHD she has since changed his diet no fizzy drinks sweets etc.It sounds to me your son is attention seeking and there could well be an underlying illness which isn't always picked up till they are older unfortunately so if i were you i would get professional help as nobody is a perfect parent we just learn as we go along like everything else.When my friend comes to visit now it's so much easier because we know what the problem is so i think in your case when you find out for sure your life will be so much easier.All the best xxxxxxxxx

Answer 4

Its good that you're broaching this now, hopefully by the time he starts secondary school you will be on the way to cracking it.
have you tried sitting him down and talking to him? Telling him that people don't like it when they are told on (to the teacher). That hes not a baby anymore any more and everyone feels like crying sometimes but that crying doesn't help and sometimes being strong and brave and ignoring the problem makes it go away faster. Does he have a male role model that could help with these conversations?
Councelling may help, your gp would be the place to ask, but I'd start with a few chats and see if you can reward him when he manages to go through a game and loose well for example, sometimes we just need someone to show us where our behaviour isn't fitting in he may not know there is a problem

Answer 5

Please take your son to see a doctor. There are some clues here: not the most co-ordinated child. He's frustrated because he can't do things, that's why he wants to win - he needs to feel he can succeed.

Please see a medical doctor first, not a psychologist. There are many things that can be the root cause, hypermobile joints (see below), dyspraxia, hand-eye problems.

I know it is hard but he needs you hugs and love and to know that you love him come hell or high water.
There must be something he can achieve - does he like chess or board games, does he like to read.

BTW, sounds just like my son. But we got over it, got some physio, got into hobbies he could succeed in and now he is much better. His so called "friends" are not really friends at all, tell him.

Just wish I'd had it recognised in me when I was younger, would have helped a lot. I was told I was useless because I was clumsy, couldn't catch etc. Now I know it wasn't my fault, I was born that way

Answer 6

You can try counseling. Here's my tips: PATIENCE and play with him. First off, you've got to change your way of discipline. I gather you've been too permissive with him, hence his spoilish attitude. Whenever you tell him something, it must be clear and firm. I'd also try to be logical. I'm currently using the logic approach with 4 year olds as a preschool teacher and I believe it'll work better with your son.
Let's work on "no friends" issue. Explain to the boy that all his vices will lead to no friends. No friends will be no fun and no support.
1) Share principle: If he doesn't share, he'll have no friends because nobody likes greedy friends. Share and other children with play with him, share food, secrets, and toys, maybe invite him to their homes to play.
2) Cry baby and tattling principle: It's humiliating. Children will call him names for being a wuss. Ask him if he enjoys being called names and if he's having fun playing by himself. Tell him to be strong and try new things. Have your younger son share his better experiences with your older son. Competition among siblings can be a great motivating tool.
3) Reinforcement at home. Find activities that your children enjoy and play with them. If your older son doesn't share or participate, revoke his privileges. I.E. less allowance or TV time. Favor your other child instead. Reward him if he improves. Remember to constantly talk to him about his day, how he feels and why, and if he's improving let him know how happy you are that he's improved. It's ok to let him know that you're displeased with his behavior but never show disgust or frustration.

Answer 7

ask the school if he can start seeing the social worker to begin the task of helping him with his behaviour and making friends. they can also work on the emotional behaviours too, it may also help to seek the help of a child developmental psychologist to see if there is anything bothering him. It is not your fault as your other child is the opposite in nature as you stated, as parents we always blame ourselves for the way the kids turn out, but that is almost always not the case, stop now, you are doing your best by him, you are seeking help and you are willing to take advice, try the social worker first and let her guide you from there.

Answer 8

I have a nephew who I love very much, but I can only take him for about a day. He's annoying, has few friends, and gets on everyones nerves. In the past few months he's gotten much better, though.

I had his mom force him to join team activities - he is in karate for self control and self confidence. Also, this particular studio has team training, and that has helped his social skills. Also, he recently joined Boy Scouts and is really enjoying it. Both of these help him to develop maturity. I recommend both, and if necessary counseling.

Answer 9

please do ignore these people suggesting punishment, not such a good idea. i think councilling would be your best bet but i think you need to explain to him, before you go, why you think he needs it.
calmly sit him down and tell him that you love him more than anything in the world but that he needs to understand that behaving like that is unacceptable. you could probably make him feel better about it if you suggest that maybe you have not been acting as you should and that you need to see the "special doctor" too. because you dont want him to think that there is something wrong with him or that the doctor wants to change him because if you do then he wont listen to the psychologist.
please dont blame yourself love, you can only do what you can with the knowledge that you have at the time. your younger son is probably different because you changed your parenting according to what you think you did wrong the first time!
Good luck!

Answer 10

We had a kid like him at our school, he stayed like that until about year 11 when (thankfully) we went our seperate ways. The teachers seemed to know what he was like though, when he told on us for 'bullying' him, and we got called up the teachers would just sit in a room and go, 'look we know you've not done anything wrong, but we have to make it look like we're doing something'. But he really needs to get help or all the other kids will hate him as they get older.

I would take him to the doctor, as he might have an underlying disorder, and ask for an assessment of your child and the possibility of counselling. You're not a bad mum, so don't think you are!

Answer 11

Please please please don,t blame yourself, I have a ten year old daughter who behaves in practically exactly the same way. We are very lucky in that the school she attends runs a social skills group which she attends on a weekly basis. We have also taken her to a child psychologist who gave us advice on how to handle her behaviour and how to improve it. All of these methods have helped but it is a long slow process. You are doing the right thing by trying to do something about this now as the more you can help him before he gets to secondary school the better. I would arrange to talk to his school and ask them what they are doing to help your son and also have him referred to either a child psychologist or an educational psychologist or even better both. I hope this helps and I hope you get some help, believe me, I know exactly what you are going through and it is not an easy situation to be in. Good luck.