Is my cousin being unreasonable about her wedding?

Question

I'm my cousin's bridesmaid and I've been having to help her fend off the invited guests about why their children aren't allowed/invited to the wedding. My cousin is rather disappointed about the lack of guests that will be able to come (the wedding is in 3 months) but out of our 8 aunts and uncles in the family, every one of them has a kid under 12, and 6 of them live 1,000 miles away at least. A lot of our aunts and uncles have been calling to complain that she's being unreasonable and disrespectful to our family by not allowing children. For her dad's side, she has the same rules (I'm from her mom's). A lot of her friends also have children. It seems that everyone is really unhappy with her, and I'm often pulled into the argument of one side versus another. I just want to help her be happy and be a good bridesmaid, yet I can't help but see both sides of the story. Almost everyone is telling her if she doesn't allow children, they won't be able to attend. Are they being fair? is she?

The MAIN reason why she doesn't want children there is because 2 years ago at another cousin's wedding, one of our little relatives kept screaming during the ceremony and the wedding video is pretty much ruined. The bride (my cousin) has told our relatives that she doesn't want that happening or to have bitter feelings, but our aunts/uncles are telling her that they all know how to discipline and control their children. I remember at that wedding, our grandma had to take our cousin outside because our aunt thought she'd eventually stop screaming. I wouldn't want a bratty kid spoiling my wedding, but when more than half of your relatives are children, what do you do? (btw, I have TONS of cousins).

I can see where everyone is coming from, NO she is not prissy or mean-- but the last thing she wants to remember is how a crying baby or screaming child ruined her wedding. I also don't want to try to convince her to change her mind (it'll just look like I'm picking sides, which I don't want to do) but it's hard to see all of our relatives, including many of her friends, say they aren't able to make it because they have kids. A lot of my relatives aren't willing to look for a babysitter for a one-time thing when they don't know the person, and an aunt of ours has a special-needs child. My cousin's really upset though when she was expecting 50 people to show up and it's only 23.

The reason why I mentioned my special needs cousin is because finding a babysitter who KNOWS how to care for a special needs child is very difficult AND expensive for just one or two days.

Answer 1

It is her day. She has to expect that that was going to happen. she has to make a choice. what ever she choose, she knows what is going to happen and she got to live with it.

Answer 2

This is believe it or not a common problem. To be honest, both sides are right. It is her wedding, and she has the right to say who can or cannot come. Well her fiance should have some say, but other then that, nobody else. But she needs to also realize, that if she is going to restrict certain people from comming, then she's going to have to accept that some will not be able to come.

Have you tried talking to her about why she doesn't want the kids? Or even comming up with a compramise? Like maybe no kids at the ceremony, but they can come to the reception? I have had friends that have done this at their weddings.

It really is not fair for you to be stuck in the middle of these arguments. I know this may not be a popular idea, but you need to explain to your family, that you did not make the rule, and it is not your wedding. Point out that they are being unfair by dumping this all on you. You also might want to talk to your cousin and try to explain things to her. Not everybody can afford a babysitter. Also, not many people want to leave there kids in one state, while they travel to another. They want their kids with them. Ask her how she would honestly feel when she has kids if they were not allowed to go to something like this. Chances are you will not change her mind. Most brides are pretty much set in there ways, but maybe you can help her to at least partially understand where the rest of the family is comming from.


With my parents and I, I was an only child, so 9 times out of 10, if kids were not allowed to go, my parents didn't go either. Many parents feel this way. They did go places without me, but rarely, especially when I was young.

Answer 3

I can understand where she is coming from BUT by not allowing children she has to understand that some people will be offended. If she is having a church wedding can't she offer the church daycare? Most churches have one and she can hire a provider for it. Most of the time a friend (mother of one of the kids) will volunteer or even a church member. If its a outside wedding she can enlist a teenager from the wedding to watch the kids away from the ceremony. I disagree with some of the other posters. If she doesnt want kids period, she has that right BUT needs to understand her guest list will be smaller. When my kids were small, my SIL had a large wedding, we came from out of town and I asked if there was someone that could watch my two year old. No babysitter was found. I landed up walking around outside the church for the hour long ceremony because my kid was so bored and active! I NEVER took my kids to a wedding again!!! Kids dont really belong there anyway!!

Answer 4

I can understand both sides of this her wanting the perfect day and the perfect video to remember the day. But I can as a mom of five understand how it could be hard for family members to find sitters for kids and how it could hurt their feelings. If I had a relative or friend that didn't want kids at the wedding I wouldn't go I mean my kids come first and I'm not going to just dump them off on a sitter to go some long distance to go to a wedding. Maybe your cousin should consider finding some sitters near by and have like a kiddie party for the little ones in a seperate area that way the realitives will be happy and not hurt, she'll have her perfect wedding and video and everyone will be happy.

Answer 5

My friend had this same problem and as her wedding planner here is what I came up with, everyone was invited, however only the adults attended the actual ceremony, the church she was married in had a huge nursery and we hired I think it was 5 nannies because there were about 40 kids under the age of 9 (10 and older went to the ceremony) when the parents got there they dropped the kids off at the nursery and went to the ceremony, the kids all spent the time making their own personalized wedding cards to give to the bride and groom so they were thrilled, the ceremony went off with out a hitch and afterwards the parents got their kids and they all went to the reception and danced and ate and everyone thought it was just the greatest thing and no one was hurt or unhappy on either side. It didnt break the budget either because we only had to hire the sitters for 1 hour total time. Hope this helps!

Answer 6

She's walking a pretty fine line here, to be honest.

On the one hand, I get that she wants her day the way she wants it. I also know that kids can get bored and unpredictable, or have a temper tantrum or whatever. I hear people complain about it all the time....

However, kids are family, too. You don't suddenly get inducted as a family member on your tenth birthday (or at whatever age behavior is suddenly deemed as "appropriate").

And she needs to consider what she's asking of her guests. She has family who lives a considerable distance away whom she's inviting. It's one thing if you live in town and hiring a sitter for a couple hours is easy. It's quite another when you're expected to pay for travel/accommodations (which most family members are happy to do to be there for you!), but then once you get there are left with two choices 1) hire a sitter you DON'T know and leave your child(ren) with him/her, or 2) don't bring them in the first place, which means leaving your child(ren) somewhere else for 2, 3, 4 days....neither would be an exceptionally palatable option for me.

If she is going to make that choice to exclude children, that's her personal decision. I'm not saying it's right or wong, but she DOES need to grow up a bit and realize that her choices are going to have consequences. And in this case, her choice has hurt the feelings of family members, or her choice has caused family members to choose to decline her invitation. She needs to decide what's going to be more important to her - a child-free wedding, or having family there to celebrate with her. She obviously can't have it both ways.

On a side note, what I don't understand is why the child's parents wouldn't TAKE THEM OUT OF THE CHURCH if they acted up. I'm sorry, I just don't understand that. Kids cry, it happens all the time. Where I'm from, it's considered common courtesy and common practice to remove a fussy child from whatever public setting you happen to be in.

Answer 7

Your cousin is not being unresonable by leaving children out f her big day. Because children that are allowed to cry and scream during the ceremony will certainly ruin the moment (this by the way is a problem with their parent or guardian removing them from the ceremony site ) and really who wants to deal with that. But she is certainly being unreasonable by expecting that everyone will be wiling to just stick their children somewhere with someone and travel 1000 miles to her wedding. If you make stipulations like that for attending your event you stand the chance of having a reduced guest appearance.
The family members and friends are not being fair by harassing her about it , they just have to make the decision and understand her reasoning.
I refrain from suggesting a babysitter because I am one of those types that just does not trust everybody with my kids ... I really would have to really know you to let you be around my children unattended aand I am sure that many parents see it that way.
And finally no you should not suggest anything even if she ask for your opinion this is a dagerous subject just support her decision

Answer 8

I haven't read through all of the answers here,so this might be a repeated answer, but why doesn't she try to find a babysitter or two , from the church maybe, to watch the kids in another room during the ceremony? Or have them babysit at someones home during the whole wedding and reception. Say that no children at wedding but babysitting will be provided at no cost. I really understand that relatives that live far away are not going to leave their children at home.

Answer 9

She might be being impractical about not allowing children, because of the distance these families are traveling.

I always say, it is not a kid problem, it is a parent problem, when kids scream all through a ceremony. Obviously the parent should remove the child if that is happening. Misbehaving kids are doing it because their parents allow it, or the parent doesn't stop it or remove the child.

When I was a kid, my mother had the arm on me in public. I sat next to her, and I barely spoke, moved, or breathed the whole way through anything. All parents should have the arm of the law and the threat of painful death over their children when they are out in public.

Having a child with special needs is no excuse to ruin everything for everyone. The parent has to respond to the situation just like with any child.

Answer 10

I guess the problem is finding babysitters? I've not been to a wedding banning kids & it is hard if people are coming from far away & will have to find a sitter for a couple of days or something. why doesn't she want kids there? does she think they'll misbehave? isn't she even having a flower girl? I've not seen kids misbehave at a wedding (particularly not during the ceremony). I think she has to be realistic that people won't come. Maybe she is wealthier than the guests & doesn't realise the expense & hassle & if people have toddlers or babies they get so upset when their parents go away. I don't even have kids & I can see where these guests are coming from. Is she a bridezilla do you think? maybe you should get that bridezilla tv show dvd out for her to watch!

Answer 11

Either way the decision is hers to make. It is her day, unreasonable or not. How about a compromise. Where is she getting married? If the place has an extra room why don't you (she) talk about hiring a babysitter or two and maybe have the children there (for the parents) but in another room with a baby sitter and then they can come to the reception where a little bit of noise is acceptable.

Hope it works out.