what do you do when you're in need of help, and your family offers, but you KNOW there's going to be strings ?

Question

i'm in a place where i could really use any help i can get--emotionally & financially (i'm 6 months pregnant & always broke!). my mom & maternal grandma have offerred to help me out financially (they're *emotionally* aloof) but i know from past experiences that this will come with strings attached...
and if i don't do what they want they will throw their help in my face & do a huge guilt trip... (i once rented a house from my grandma, and she kicked me out for continuing a relationship with my father after he divorced my mom--that type of thing)

i could REALLY use the help (i can't get my asthma meds filled, & i'm living off of Ramen! it's SO not healthy, esp when pregnant) but i'm not sure i want to go through all their crap again, and get called a selfish, unappreciative brat....

so what would you do?
should i decline their help & continue struggling (possibly at the expense of my baby's health), or should i accept it & let them trash my name down the road?

just so everyone knows, i always say thank you, give them a hug, and send them cards expressing my gratitude whenever they've given me anything in the past.

also, i support myself and make just over the income limitations for gov't assistance. i'm only having a hard time right now because i'm trying to put money aside for when i take time off work to have the baby.

and i DO feel guilty for having them help me, i feel like i should be able to do it on my own... but i just can't right now.

my dad is helping--he got me furniture for the baby's room, and he's helping do thing around the house. there's no strings from him (only big hugs required!!)

and i'm married to the baby's dad--but he hurt his knee REAL bad and can't work much--he still does part time & even sells his plasma to help pay the bills, but it's not much. i make most of the income and i'm worried about taking time off work--unpaid--to give birth...

this is a temporary situation i'm in...
(i hope!!)

Answer 1

I have family that is the same way. I hate asking for help as well.. I do not do it too often anymore in fact not at all. I got tired of them making me feel like a child.. However if i did need help i would snatch it up in a heartbeat.. Only because i am pregnant. I think you just need to decide how badly you want it.. and then go for it if need be. In a temporary situation... I would think they could understand and perhaps think of it as help not just for you but the sake of there grand child. I feel for you.. simply because i have been there.. I wish you lot's of luck.. Where you live do they offer wic? you could get juice and milk cereal and what not from them.. and to my understanding you only have to make less than 50,000 a year to qualify. Just an Idea.. And i may even take my own advice on that as well..

Good luck.. and many well wishes.

Answer 2

Accept their help, knowing the strings are there. At some point, you can cut the strings, but in the meantime, you can get better, have the baby, and grow internally. If they request certain things, in the middle of the help, play dumb or do what you have to do without losing yourself in the process.
As to trashing your name down the road, they'll do that anyway. They sound terrible, and you won't change them. They are who they are; insecure and using money to make them look better than you. You being pg played right into their hands, but use them rather than letting them abuse you.
Again, they will say what they want, because they are weak; they are only strong with the money. Put them in your shoes and they would fail.
Think of that baby, plan a life for it and yourself. Can you use them to get some schooling so that you can provide at some point without them? Put down pros and cons of taking their help. Now make another list of pros and cons of doing it on your own.
OK getting pg wasn't a good choice. Now, make a decision that you will use contraceptives and keep your legs closed until you are able to provide for you and baby. Can the father provide any assistance? Or did he get away with just the fun part? Learn from this. Don't put yourself under your relatives thumb the rest of your life by getting pg again without a loving husband and provider.
The best revenge is success. So, yes, take what you can, in love for your child, and then plan your success.
My folks didn't ever help me, and I struggled but made it in life. My parents still talked about me, because they were insecure and weak. My father's only contribution to others was flashing his money in their face. I became a success and they didn't ever acknowledge it. I asked my dad' to tape me when I would be on TV; he never did; said he "forgot" to turn on the recorder. Yeah, right!!
You can do it. Take what you can, and never apologize for being you. But don't think the emotional part will be there. Friends are much better than that than some families, who do not know how to feel. Be open for it, but don't expect it. After the baby comes, they may melt. Won't that be exciting?
Happy, happy birthing.

Answer 3

Are you sure these are your only options? Are there some community assistance programs, WICK, child support from the county or state?
Are there agencies there that will help you with housing, food, health care for the baby and job training?

If not then you have to consider weather the words they will say will hurt you if you decide not to let them.

Believe it or not, you aren't the first girl that ended up in this position. I think whatever you decide you will do it for the baby,
which is good.

There is a saying that goes "when you are wondering what to do, the most difficult choice is usually the right one"

I wish you well.

Answer 4

I wasn't sure if I wanted to answer your question.

Then I realized I was once in your situation.

It's a typical Catch 22.

So many of life's experiences involve Catch 22's, and sometimes we refrain from making any decision and just go with the flow.

After all, there is that longshot that people will change.

If your reputation is worth more than their help, then I would suggest doing what I did...move out and start from scratch all over.

It will be difficult, but at the end of the day, you won't have any guilt trips or nasty relatives to answer to.

It's called independence.

Better to be independent than have to tag along with lousy people who don't mind messing you up.

Answer 5

i think i would do what is in the best interest of the baby after all your health is connected to the baby and if the baby is born unhealthy then it is going to make you even more unable to get a job and that type of thing so yes get there help and remind them after they have tyred to do the stuff with you that you can always not let them see the new child and as such you need to be treated right by them

Good luck

Answer 6

Well. I guess it falls on me to tell you this. They are going to trash your name regardless. By your own account, most of what they say will probably be true. If you're pregnant, then you have to make some major changes right away. You are now responsible for a new and helpless human being. Time to grow up and build a name that can't be justifiably trashed.

Don't let this free GAME get away!

Answer 7

Inquire on govern. assist. & dont worry about what others think or say. There's "Wick assist." also for the baby atleast in the state of Texas, dont see why it wouldn't be offered in other states as well, it's govern. funded.

My parents are like that & I'm an adult w/ a degree. Scared to even call for a opinion at my age, even that holds to "pay back". Know where your coming from.

Answer 8

nothing in life is easy or free. even if you were married and pregnant, you would have to tolerate your husband's quirks because he is paying the bills, even if he sometimes acts like a butt. you need help right now and cannot do this alone. most people in this world are emotionally unavailable, at least they are willing to help. you are probably feeling extra sensitive right now too. think of your baby and after you can support yourself, find another option.

Answer 9

You need to do what it takes to keep yourself healthy and to provide for your child. If you have tried other forms of assistance, including food closets and other community efforts, then you may need to do what it takes to work with your mother and grandmother for the help. I would work to lay out some ground rules before you accept the help though. make sure to let them know that in accepting their assitance you are not willing to give up any relationships with other members of your family. You have to balance what you are willing to give up for help,and where you draw the line.
define your boundaries before you accept assistance that you know will have permanent strings.

Answer 10

strings = puppet. do everything you can to avoid relying on them for anything. there are plenty of assistance programs out there, food stamps, medical, day-care, etc. however, there is one exception...if your baby is at risk, then you must suck it up and kiss up, only after all other possible avenues have been exhausted. what about your dad?