What to do if you and your fiance dont agree on religion?

Question

I am atheist and my future husband is christian, it doesnt really cause any problems between us on a day to day basis However, when his family is involved it becomes an issue since they are very religious. They hold hands and pray at every meal, even at McDonalds and this makes me very uncomfortable, I dont know if I should just sit there or pretend to join. My man and I have also talked about the subject of whether there will be a priest at our wedding, which I am strongly against and he doesnt care, but again he doesnt want to upset his family. His family and I get along in every other area, I am just a strong-minded person and feel my values are just as important as theirs. I'm sure it will be an issue when we have children as well, as I want them to make their own choices and not be raised one way or the other. Have any of you experienced this? How do you work it out with your spouse?

We have been dating 3 years and live together, he is not that religious, so its not an issue between us really, just when his family is involved

We are very much in love and his family likes me alot, I dont think it needs to be an all or nothing situation, but from the general consensus here, we are doomed. Are there ways of compromising here?

Answer 1

I am Wiccan and my husband is Lutheran. The first key here is communication. Talk about this stuff ahead of time. if you know the kid issue is going to be an issue, its better to start talking now so that you don't feel pressure about it later.

The second key is compromise. You're not always going to get what you want. Neither is he.

The third key is prioritze your religious needs. Just because you disagree on an issue doesn't mean there needs to be debate. For example, I don't believe a child needs a baptism, but my husband does. It's very important to him. What does baptism mean to me? Nothing. So my kid's head gets wet. A little water isn't going to hurt him. So why should I even argue this one with him? This is one I can easily concede without any moral qualms.

Fourth is responsibility for decisions. My husband expressed that he really wanted our theoretical child to be raised Christian, including church attendence. Before I even argued, I asked him how he expected the child to get to church because he himself is not a church-goer and probably never will be. He simply hadn't thought the logistics through. realizing his expectations were not terribly logical, he backed off. Again, it avoided a needless debate.

On the subject of his family, rmember that you have to put up with them for the rest of your life, but they don't control you. If you have a priest at your wedding, it should be because your fiance wants the priest, not his parents. His parents aren't the ones getting married! (honestly, this is the case in all aspects of the wedding as far as I'm concerned, unless the parents are paying for it)

Realize that his family is going to continue praying at meals, however, and you're going to have to get used to it. You need to respect their beliefs if you want them to respect yours. I would suggest holding hands with them and just remaining quiet and still. Don't "pretend" to be anything, just don't disturb them. This is what I do in my own Christian family. Refusing to hold hands is overly antagonistic, IMHO, especially when you're eating at their table.

Answer 2

I am shocked at the answers you are getting. They mostly quote the bible (which obviously is not relevant for you) and talk about "different" religions when it is a matter of "religion" and "no religion". The key fact here is that your BF is not religious, if I read you well, but his parents are. Do his parents know you are living together? Does it bother them? If not, it seems they are open-minded enough to let you run your life according to your convictions after you get married. Your BF seems to be afraid to state his own mind, that is the real problem, not religion. Take your time, press him to come clean and tell his parents that you two will have a non religious marriage and non religious life. If he really loves you and wants the commitment, he should do it. Good luck. You deserve admiration for sticking to your guns. Now just watch the thumbs down on my answer!

(Next day): you should post this in the Family and relationship category. You would receive more relevant answers.

Answer 3

I agree with the person above me who said that you need to put your children first. I realize that right now they are just a thought, but eventually they will be here. You and your future husband need to be on the same page one way or the other. First it's the wedding, pastor or no pastor? In a church or not? Then when you have children it's baptism or no baptism? Church every Sunday or not? Sunday school or Bible study or not? You also need to realize that his family is not going anywhere, they will always be a part of your lives, especially if you have children. I grew up in a home where my dad was Roman Catholic and my mom was Protestant. We were raised Catholic, but from time to time my mom would take us to other Christian churches. While my dad never really had any issues with this, my grandmother would throw a fit if she found out. I'm still a Catholic now, but because of this I have the utmost respect for other peoples beliefs. Communication and compromise are key in making decisions when it comes to your marriage and your children. Good luck

Answer 4

Hello Sis.

This is a good question, and I am encouraged that you are showing the willingness to think before you leap.

I actually did research on this exact topic, my Master's Thesis. I didn't have a lot of time to do it, so I focused on the role Spiritual Compatibility has on Marital Satisfaction and Marital Discord only within Christian couples. Other research, as well as my own study, showed that an individual's Spiritual Beliefs, or lack there of, does affect a marriage. Long story short, my research, as well as others, showed that even when Christian couples are Spiritually Compatible they report higher levels of Marital Satisfaction verses Spiritually incompatible Christian Couples.

Now, if this is the case with Christian couples, how much more likely is it going to be a problem within religious/nonreligious couples? Look at it this way, a person's spiritual views, or lack there of, will ultimately shape how that person views the world. A Christian will have (or at least Should Have) a Biblical Worldview, and that worldview is going to be in conflict with someone who does not have a Biblical worldview. Research has shown that a person’s worldview will dictate how he/she views money, sex, children, quality time, parenting, gender roles, marital roles, and even marriage itself. In addition, research has also shown that couples that are the Spiritually Compatible tend to agree on these major issues. I am not saying that a Christian and Non-Christian will not agree on some of these areas, but the less Spiritually Compatible they are will decrease the likelihood of them agreeing in these areas, as well as many others.

Now, as some others have pointed out, it will also come down to how Orthodox he is. What I mean is; Does he truly believe that God is to be Honored above ALL others? Does he align his life with the Life and Teachings of Jesus the Christ? Is God truly going to be the Head of his house and marriage? Is Jesus the only one sitting on the Throne of His Heart? Does he believe that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life; and no one comes to the Father but through him? Is the Word of God the basis for how he lives his life? Does he believe that fellowshipping with The Body of Christ on a regular basis is essential (i.e. going to church, going to bible study, participating in some kind of ministry, etc)? There are many other questions I could pose, but if you can truly answer yes to just these questions then I can see that there is going to be a Big Problem, especially if you cannot answer yes to any of these questions in regards to yourself. However, if he is only a Christian by name only, and has not really placed Faith in Jesus’ Finished Work on the Cross (Born Again), then you two may well get a long.


Many have stated that the Bible says that Christians should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. Why is this? It’s not that God feels the unbeliever is inferior or unworthy. It is because God knows that the unbeliever could turn the heart of the Believer away from Him. God told King Solomon, in the Old Testament, the same thing. God told him not to go after the unbelieving women because they would turn his heart to their gods, and they did just that once Solomon married them. Now, marriage does call for compromise, but one thing a True Christian MUST NOT do is Compromise his/her relationship with God. When marrying a non-believer, the chances of the Believer compromising increases, even though the responsibility clearly belongs to the Believer.

You appear to be pretty staunch in your beliefs. If he is just as staunch and steadfast in his, you two will most certainly have Problems, especially once children are born. This marriage could indeed work, but there is no telling how much unnecessary hell you’ll have to endure in order to get there.

Do as even God tells us Sis. Count the Cost? I pray that this has been helpful.
---Bryan

Answer 5

Religion is about the most important issue that two people should be in agreement on [especially with children!]...I think you should reconsider....

I am a Christian, and I wouldn't marry an atheist...nothing against you; its just that from a Christian perspective, it would be unthinkable for me to not raise them in Church [which may be a problem for you]...If I really believe that Jesus is the only salvation, i would be dooming my children by not taking them to Church so they can learn about him.....Sorry, but I see problems on the horizen...

Answer 6

I would NEVER marry someone who does not practice the same religion as me. You are just asking for problems. The main one you already mentioned- kids. No Christian I know could raise their children without faith, even if they say they could now, once they hold that little miracle they will want them to have the fulfillment of the life of a believer.

Answer 7

I think you could be asking for trouble. Almost definitely with the in-laws but that can be dealt with provided you won't be living with them.

Your belief system, in which I include atheism, is core to who you are. You have every right to believe what you want, but be prepared for conflicts of values if your fiance actually believes the Christian faith and isn't just a Christian by 'default' because his parents believe.

Answer 8

I'm a Christian, and so are my sisters. Two of them married non-Christian men who said they would convert and didn't. My sisters are not happy because they need the spiritual connection with their husbands. Their children have not had a very solid Christian foundation, and don't go to church. It seems like your future husband has no worries, which I don't understand. I understand his parents. The Bible warns not to be yoked to unbelievers, and that's what you are. However, the decision is yours, not theirs.

Answer 9

It could become a problem. It depends on how dogma-based he is. If he's worried about the letter-of-the-law when it comes to his religion, and not just the overall picture of Mercy and Love, then there may be problems. If he's Fundamentalistic there may be a problem. Use your best judgement.

Answer 10

I'm 71 I married a lady of different faith. We never had a problem we agreed about how future things would be resolved, before we got married. I suggest U explain your feeling to your future inlaws. Ask them to respect your wishes. then U respect theirs. Go for it have a great life & NEVER yell oh GOD when U are having great sex.